'You look well' - invisible illness - how to respond when you feel ghastly?

KatieDee

Would you feel better if you got sympathy from them? If they didn't comment on anything regarding your wellbeing? What is it you would like to happen, in an ideal world?

I can understand being annoyed if people imply that you're not really ill because you don't "look" ill, but it seems to me as though your friends are just trying to be polite and positive by stating how well you look

When my mother was going through treatment, many people would comment on how well she looked (despite the treatment). She didn't look well (at least not compared to how she looked before she was having treatment) but they saw small improvements in how she was carrying herself and complimented her. This wasn't to suggest what she was going through wasn't difficult and horrific...they just wanted to lift her spirits and take her mind off what was a very difficult time for everybody involved.

I have a feeling your friends are trying to do the same. The only thing you can do is explain to them your illness in great detail and the effect it has on you. They cannot comment on what they don't know and probably don't want to bring it up, as many people with an illness prefer not to speak about it.

Alternatively, if they tell you they look well and you take offence or it makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell them so or ignore them.

I hope you feel better soon.

whitewing

You could say something like, 'Sunshine always makes me feel a bit better. This is the first time I've been out of the house for a couple of days and it's lovely but tiring'.

FBaby

There is a difference between being well and looking well. They are only commenting on how you look not hire you are. You could respond by saying something like 'oh its nice that I at least look good because that's not how I feel inside'.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd smile and say thank you.

After all, the alternative is them telling me I look like a bag of melted chocolate spanners. I know which I prefer to hear.

rock_queen

I have ME too. For me I just say 'thank you' and brush it off, it did used to upset me and I would try to explain but they weren't really interested, now I don't really care. I do find though that it is people who either don't know me well or don't understand or try to understand my illness that make those comments.

Buzzybee90

It's a compliment! The only way I can see anyone disliking it is if they carried the martyr badge.

*max*

Just say thank you and change the subject. They're just trying to make you feel better (even if it doesn't, at least they're being nice!).

I can imagine how awkward I would feel if everytime I greeted a friend with "You look lovely today/you look well!" I got back "Actually, I feel like !!!!!! because I suffer from xxxx and it affects me all the time, but thanks anyway".

I think I wouldn't be inclined to say much to them anymore after that, kind of puts a dampener on any conversation. Your friends know you are ill, presumably, and as awful as you feel, they don't want to be told about it constantly. It may sound terrible, but people who are constantly negative (even if they have good reasons) are very draining. So just say "thanks, how are you?" and talk about something else.

Better_Days

LIR all kinds of stress make my symptoms worse. That includes emotional stress. Since I have been ill I have had much less emotional resilience. That is why I am trying to find an appropriate response that isn't mean, but which I am also comfortable with. It is currently affecting me.

tomtontom - yesterday was the first time in nearly 15 years of being ill that I got cross with someone when I was told I look well. I am aware that people are trying to be nice. I only tell people about my illness if they ask specifically. If people ask how I am I usually say 'just the same'.

KatieDee, no I'm not looking for sympathy, probably more for empathy. I think its just frustration that someone asks specifically about my illness, I tell them how it affects me, but they still insist 'you look well'. That disconnect between what I have told them, how my life is affected and what they say is what is sooo frustrating. In an ideal world I would like my health back Failing that, for others to take a moment to consider how they would feel if chronic illness prevented working, hobbies, walking any distance, going out to the pub, cinema, family gatherings etc

Sorry to hear about your Mum. Thank you for another perspective. Looking at it from the point of view 'you look well despite xyz' is helpful.

SavingPennies - unfortunately I have been too unwell to work for over 10 years. I need a lot of help and wouldn't be able to cope if it wasn't for my husband caring for me. Thinking about what you have said - I have had a lot of negative experiences, not being believed I was ill at work, and healthcare professionals not taking my symptoms seriously (it still happens). It took 4 years to get a diagnosis, by which time I had lost my job, and had been put through 'treatment' that made my illness worse. I do know people are trying to be kind - it's just how to deal with perhaps 'misplaced kindness'.

fufu_banterwaite

Better_Days wrote: »

This has really been getting to me recently (possibly because my symptoms are worse at present)

I have really bad hayfever so know exactly how you feel.

marisco_2

Better_Days wrote: »

I don't want to bore people with my illness, but I feel the devastating impact on my life can't go unacknowledged.

Only fair weather friends would be bored by someone, needing to discuss what was really going on in their life and with their health. Part of being able to cope well with any problem that weighs heavy on each of us in life, is knowing that we have people around us who we can turn to and unload things to. I hope you have a strong and supportive network around you and I am genuinely sorry for all you are coping with.