Should We Buy A Joint House With My Dad?

Snapelover

My Mam died almost two weeks ago after spending five weeks in hospital. She went in for heart surgery but things did not go to plan and she never returned home.

I am an only child and my Mam and Dad did everything together. My Dad spent the first four nights after she died sleeping here then returned home. I am still cooking his evening meal for him as I know, at the minute, he won't eat properly and he has already lost quite a bit of weight due to the worry, etc.

Not only am I having to deal with the death of my Mam but I am also dealing with the worry an concern of my Dad facing the future on his own.

Yes, I know it's very early days but he hates going back to his empty three bedroomed house. In time, hopefully it will get easier but I do appreciate that it will never be the same, how can it be?

I had a thought last night about both my family and my Dad selling up and pooling together to buy a house which is big enough to give everyone the space required but I know my Dad would not feel isolated and know that there was always somebody around. I have a 21 and 19 year old, plus him indoors of course, and I appreciate that we would all have to get along and respect each other whilst still being allowed to be ourselves.

Has anyone done this and how did it go?

It's not something set in stone,him indoors said it was a knee-jerk reaction, but I am not so sure. Worrying about him is making me ill. It's something I am going to put to my Dad later today. We will all have to sit and think ling and hard about it but I cannot see any negatives. It could work for all family members.

roobee13

Hi OP,

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss.

Perhaps your OH is right, it's very early days and grief affects everyone differently. However if as a family you think this is the right way to go then good luck and I hope it all works out well.

Could you look at alternative long term options such as a house with a granny annexe for him, or him downsizing to a smaller property near you?

Sorry I have no personal experience to add, I really hope everything works out ok.

seven-day-weekend

I really would not make an important decision like this whilst your grief is still so raw. Give it at least six months. You may then be able to see the wood for the trees.

whitewing

I have heard it said that you shouldn't make any monumental decisions like moving for a year or two after the death of a spouse.

I don't mean this heartlessly, but he does have to adjust and grieve for your mother and perhaps the house they shared together will provide comfort as well as bring tears.

That's not to say that you shouldn't mention the moving in together as an option going forward.

savingmummy

Sorry to hear of your loss!


Must be awful seeing your father struggling, in time it will get better.
Of course he will still feel a lost and lonely but it will ease for him.


I`d certainly wait a while longer, my father lost his twin brother 2 years ago and it was a good 12-18months before he was `almost` back to his normal self!
His still having his days now and again but is in a better place right now.


I think the idea is wonderful for you and him IF he would like to do that.

lostinrates

The very fist thing I would say is your partner said to give it time. Respect your partner and give it time BEFORE making the proposal to your father.


You and your partner need to consider it, your partner needs to think about how he feels about it.

You see no negatives, he might!

We have one of my parents living with us, and its not all roses and easy. I'm not saying its not necessarily the right thing to do, but it can be incredibly, incredibly difficult. If its forced upon your partner, or rushed , its going to be miserable for him. His subtle words of 'knee jerk reaction' should be listened to. Not as final decision, but for now at least.

Errata

Speaking him immediately he's lost his wife runs the risk of making him even more upset.

tyllwyd

You also have to think about things from your Dad's point of view if things went wrong - if he sells his house and you pool your money to buy one new house, what happens if either of you aren't happy and wants to move out - the other one also has to sell their home and move again. It could be a very difficult (and expensive) situation. That's not to say you shouldn't do it, but you need to consider all the options and the things that could happen in the future.

HPoirot

Condolences for your loss.

I personally think a house with a granny annex sounds great, it would work better if your dad could be in and out of your common living space during the day and / or retire to his own quarters when he feels like it. It would give him and the rest of you that extra bit of independence.

I would not be too keen on completely sharing a house together in that there might be adaptation issues.

BigAunty

What a lovely gesture. I've often thought it's a pity that we don't have a strong culture of 3 generation households.

What I recommend that you do is look at the Age UK website for their fact sheet dealing with care home fees and property ownership in case your father pools his money with you and later needs residential care. They have a sheet about what happens to joint ownership in this situation and also the risks about transferring property into adult children's names under 'deprivation of assets/deprivation of capital' rules. So you just need to understand what local authorities expect and how they investigate.

Mojisola

My Mum died very suddenly - said she felt a bit tired, laid down on the bed and passed away - so I've been through what you're going through with your Dad. From my experience and from talking to others, I would say don't make any major decisions for some months. Looking back, I don't think I was thinking straight for six months or more after Mum's death.

I was grieving for her and caring full-time for Dad (who was in his 90s) but I'm glad we treaded water for a while until life started to straighten out. We would not have made good decisions during that time.

You don't say how old your Dad is - he may rebuild his own life if given support. Moving in with you could make him very dependent on you. He may also hate it and not be able to say so when you've been so kind in taking him in.

Do what you can to support him but listen to your OH - he will be able to look at things more sensibly than you at the moment.