Should We Buy A Joint House With My Dad?

summerspring

Snapelover wrote: »

Has anyone done this and how did it go?

Sorry to hear of your situation. To answer your question, yes my parents did this for my dad's mum when she didn't want to live in her 3 bedroomed house all by herself. She gave up her house and moved in permanently with her son (my dad) and us. Ask my mum how it went... it was a disaster. Nan was constantly interfering in family life and mum didn't feel the house was her own any more

Looking back it would have been better if nan had got herself a little flat in a warden controlled block, where she would have been amongst other people of a similar age and she would have had the chance to re-build her life instead of attaching herself to her children's.

Sorry to sound so negative, I just wanted to say how it went for our family, and based on what happened to us I wouldn't recommend having a parent or in-law living with you.

margaretclare

It's too soon, for Dad, for you, and for your OH.

Grieving is a process which must be worked through. It has stages. There is no time-scale - everyone is different. Equally, there are no short-cuts.

It's possible that you have leaped ahead and are thinking of the future, maybe doing this as a way of coping with your own grief. Dad may not be at the same stage yet or he may be thinking of it differently.

Dad is an adult and still capable of making his own choices/decisions. Give it time. Let the dust settle. See what he wants to do in - say - a year's time.

Kynthia

Give it 6 months before you even mention it as neither of you should be making major life changes right now. Your dad may jump on the opportunity and then later on regret selling the marital home and miss his own space. It would be expensive if it turned out to be a mistake. Also your OH needs to be happy as it's his home too.

Your dad is going to take two years to adjust in some way to a life without your mum, which will include learning to do the things she did and forging a new social life to fill his time. Encourage and support him but don't rush him.

tea_lover

My MIL bought a place with OH's brother and SIL. They both sold their houses and bought one together. They all hated it and have all ended up in rented accomodation now, stuck with a house they can't sell and massively out of pocket.

It's far too soon to be making life-changing decisions like this (or even having those conversations, imo).

quidsy

Could one of your kids moev in with him for a time so that he has company?

belfastgirl23

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and I totally understand that at this stage you just want to do anything that might help with the grief and pain.

You think it would make you feel better if your dad moved in, and that's a totally understandable in the circumstances. But the thing is it might not be the best thing for anyone in the longer term and you will not be able to judge this for quite some time to come. I had a friend who talked about grief as being below deck in a boat being tossed by a storm, you have to just hunker down til the worst of the storm blows past, then come out and survey the landscape. At the minute you're in the eye of the storm as is your dad. Give yourselves time and space to survey the new landscape.

Your father may have an opportunity to rebuild his life in the future, you don't know what's in his path or your own. Set yourself a date to reassess - a year from now. See does your husband settle in to the idea or not. See how your father is over that time. See how you are. But don't make any decisions in haste that could potentially damage your future and your father's.

Hermia

As everyone else says you need to wait a while before making changes. I was told not to make any decisions for a year after a bereavement and I think that is a good rule. One thing you need to think about is how things could change in the future. Your father may meet someone else one day (I know it is probably impossible to imagine right now, but it does happen even with very old people). You need to think about what will happen if your dad wants his own place again one day. A better option might be a small easily managed property near you so you can pop in. He may even enjoy something like sheltered housing where there is the chance of making friends.