Sad day

aggypanthus

Very shocking situation. She should be ashamed instead of blaming you, how on earth can she say that, whats her arguement?

Bendigo

When I first met her I knew she bought stuff, but she was a well paid teacher and I never realised how much she put on cards and catalogues. Then we got married and it continued but we remortgaged and borrowed because of the mess she created.
This IVA was a chance to draw a line in the sand, grit our teeth for 6 years and come out of it with a clean slate.


How wrong I was.


Like I said, there are other contributory factors to us splitting, but this was one humungous nail in the coffin.


The house is up for sale and I want it sold asap so I can get my own place and start again.

margaretclare

marisco wrote: »

This is just another example of your wife not taking any personal responsibility, for her actions and approaches to the relationship she shared with you. Don't be brought down by her deflecting her own failings on to you.

From what you have advised us of, you did all you could to work through difficulties, and clear the debt that had built up. All the while your wife was continuing the same destructive patterns, that risked your families security, financial and otherwise.

Once the trust is gone in a relationship, little remains to hold people together. I think you have done right to walk away. Your wife is clearly angry about this though. Rise above any passive, aggressive behaviour she throws at you. Stay refrained and calm no matter what the provocation.

You have a chance now to rebuild your life gradually, and to provide a secure and stable future for your children. I can empathise with how overwhelmed you must be feeling. You do have it in you to do this though. Keep going.

Absolutely right. As DH is always saying - he said it in his speech at our wedding reception - Trust and Respect are the most important things in a relationship. Love is a bonus, but without Trust and Respect there is no relationship. Not even a business partnership.

You'd been struggling to pay off an IVA at £700 a month. That's £8400 a year!! For 6 years, that's £50,400. A fortune! So, she did not respect you at all, to be racking up extra debts behind your back. And then just mentioning it, as if it was of no importance!

Catalogues are the very devil.

I can quite understand how you felt having achieved that after self-sacrifice, self-discipline and heart-searching, then your wife comes along and drops that bombshell on to you. Oh God. I think I would feel exactly the same. It just is not fair, and that's putting it as mildly as possible. I think I'd feel like murder!

Best wishes to you.

maman

I'm surprised her mother colluded with her to run up the additional debt. Was she not aware of the IVA and how hard you were working to sort things out? Presumably she'll have to step in again now and sort out the mess (which she's helped create).


I have two grown up DDs myself and cannot imagine allowing them to be so irresponsible.


I think you're best on your own, sad though it may be there's not future.

Raksha

Sorry to hear your news. I did simething very similar to my 1st husband, to my eternal regret, but have since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, lack of control in financial matters is one of the symptoms....

Doesn't sound as if her Mother set a very good example :-(

Bendigo

Her Mum & Dad are split up and when he heard of how much she's leant my wife he b*llocked her for not stopping at a sensible amount.


It's a mess. I just want to sell the house asap.

Tigsteroonie

So that's £9k on catalogs and £20k to her Mother that she's admitted to ... Is there a possibility that there is more debt elsewhere, that might not come to light for quite a while (until you start financial proceedings on divorce)?

Think you might need to check her credit record ... though if she thinks you're a villain, she might not be agreeable to you seeing it.

marisco_2

This may or may not be for you but Relate offer individual counseling. It might help you to go along and offload all you are thinking and feeling at the moment. Alternatively the Samaritans are another great point of contact for people when they are going through a very difficult time in their lives.

I'm not trying to suggest you can't cope. Just recognising how much strain and pressure you must be under right now. You clearly love your kids very much. To be there for them in the way you want to be, you have to be okay yourself. When you have had to be the strong responsible one for so long,it can be easy not to prioritise yourself and what you need. Seek out support in ways that feel right to you. It is a sign of strength not weakness to do that.

jetplane

Huge betrayal of your trust and in my opinion a lack of respect towards you. Having the goods delivered to work is so deceitful and I would leave the catalogue and family debt for her to resolve as it won't be in your name. It would seem that she has never taken responsibility and blaming you frees her from guilt, blame or the consequences of her behaviour. (In her own mind)

I can't imagine that my husband could spend nearly that amount of money without me noticing but in my work and on this forum I have seen it enough times to know that it can and does happen. It equates to approx £400 every month for the duration of your IVA and would not be that difficult to hide for someone as determined as your wife.

You can still provide for your children, is taking them with you an option? If not then you can still continue to be a positive and supportive influence in their life. Good Luck there may be more surprises ahead.

margaretclare

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

So that's £9k on catalogs and £20k to her Mother that she's admitted to ... Is there a possibility that there is more debt elsewhere, that might not come to light for quite a while (until you start financial proceedings on divorce)?

Think you might need to check her credit record ... though if she thinks you're a villain, she might not be agreeable to you seeing it.

You may have to be very certain that none of this debt has your name on it, otherwise you'll certainly be landed with it.

I read your post # 1 out to DH, who had wife/money problems in an earlier marriage (although nothing like to the extent that you've found). His reaction: Kick her into touch. You can't live with someone like that. No question. He's like that - straight and to the point.

I am sorry about your anniversary. We celebrated our 12th in January this year.

She certainly has some strange compulsion which needs psychological treatment. A bit like those folk who can't stop eating, or drinking, or drug-taking. But not possible for you to live with.

What arrangements are you making for your children? (who haven't deserved the unavoidable fall-out from all this). For kids, mum and dad come as a package.