Sad day

Bendigo

Sorry to offload all this on you all but here goes...along with quite a few other things my wife and I are separated, but a financial issue was the straw that broke the camel's back.


Our relationship was already on it's !!!! but we strived to resolve it and be a family for our beautiful children, aged 5 & 8.


My wife always had money issues and shopping addiction, so much so we've remortgaged twice, got a secured loan and borrowed shed loads off our parents to pay off her debts.


Finally we did an IVA for 6 years at £700 pcm. It finished in February and I saw light at the end of the tunnel.


I was working overtime one Saturday morning and asked if we owed money elsewhere. I was thrilled we had cleared off all our debts and was in a good place.


She texted back we owed catalogues £9000 and her Mum £20 000.


Yes that's right, after scrimping & saving for years when we was in the IVA we're even worse off than we was.


There are other reasons and money's not everything but I've decided to try my luck on my own. I've gone all the way through my 30s skint and I turned 40 in March.


I never planned to ever leave her but enough's enough and I've been taken for a fool.


Today's our 12th wedding anniversary and I'm broken.

good_advice

Gosh! Not much one can say!
Does she not care?

Bendigo

good_advice wrote: »

Gosh! Not much one can say!
Does she not care?

She makes me out to be the villain for calling it a day.

Maz

So after being on an IVA for 6 years, she has still managed to rack up £29k worth of other debt? How? What did she spend it all on and have you got anything to show for it?

Bendigo

Maz wrote: »

So after being on an IVA for 6 years, she has still managed to rack up £29k worth of other debt? How? What did she spend it all on and have you got anything to show for it?

£9k on catalogues. Stuff delivered to her work that I didn't see, Clothes, shoes and gifts for people.
£20k from her Mum. I knew she borrowed some but thought it was around £2-3k.

Heffi1

It is sad that you have struggled for this long, thinking you are reaching the end of the debt road to be faced with another hurdle, I hope for your sake that the newer debt is not in your name. As much as it will be hard to start again, at least this time you know you are not digging an even deeper hole, i.e. secret spending - good luck, maybe this will be the wake up call your wife needs to see how irresponsible she has been. Somehow though, with her blaming you I doubt she will see her own failings.

Make sure the kids are well looked after and then concentrate on getting yourself sorted out with new home etc. it will sort itself out.

AbbieCadabra

that's some serious spending that's been done without you being aware of it. so either she exceptionally good at deceit or you haven't noticed? something new must have appeared in the house at some point? (not blaming you in anyway there, just pointing out the obvious) where's the £20k gone? was this loan from mum given as she thought daughter was in dire straights? does mum not realise that she's got a problem?

either way, that sounds like a very bad case of denial on her part. especially if she's now turned it around on you that you're the one in the wrong.

like any other addiction, you can't help her until she gets to the point that she can actually admit she's got a problem.

can fully understand how you feel you've been taken for a fool, you've been working hard & thought you were clearing your debts, while the problem seems to have just escalated in the background.

harrys_nan

No advice, I'm sorry things have gone the way they have though.
Think you are making the right move now, certainly check your name is NOT attached the current debts. The trust is gone which is a shame after all you have been through.
Look after yourself and make sure your kiddies are ok, I dont think you can do much else, take care, x

Mojisola

I wouldn't be leaving my children in a household with someone who has such a severe addiction. What's their life going to be like?

marisco_2

Bendigo wrote: »

She makes me out to be the villain for calling it a day.

This is just another example of your wife not taking any personal responsibility, for her actions and approaches to the relationship she shared with you. Don't be brought down by her deflecting her own failings on to you.

From what you have advised us of, you did all you could to work through difficulties, and clear the debt that had built up. All the while your wife was continuing the same destructive patterns, that risked your families security, financial and otherwise.

Once the trust is gone in a relationship, little remains to hold people together. I think you have done right to walk away. Your wife is clearly angry about this though. Rise above any passive, aggressive behavior she throws at you. Stay refrained and calm no matter what the provocation.

You have a chance now to rebuild your life gradually, and to provide a secure and stable future for your children. I can empathise with how overwhelmed you must be feeling. You do have it in you to do this though. Keep going.

SailorSam

Going back 12yrs to your weddind and even before, was your wife always a spender. It's a surprise that if you've always been so different it could have lasted so long.
I wouldn't know where to start, i hate having debts.