What would you do in this situation?

gettingtheresometime

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I feel like I'm being used because when I needed some support over an issue she refused to help me.

Well depending on what she refused to help you with and her reasons for taking that particular course of action could it be a case, on reflection, that they could be justified and you took offence that she didn't help you?

I'm not saying you're wrong to take the attitude that you're taking but I think JoW123's suggestion is the best - that way you've said no to her politely and why you don't want any further contact.

thx1138

Sorry, but I must disagree with most of the responses here.

I would avoid her totally. No card, nothing. It's the kindest thing you can do, ultimately.

Sounds like she's trying to manipulate you back into her life and anything you do in response will be seen as recapitulation. Stay away and forget her.

Person_one

thx1138 wrote: »

Sounds like she's trying to manipulate you back into her life and anything you do in response will be seen as recapitulation. Stay away and forget her.

That's very uncharitable. Most people, when they're still raw immediately after losing a parent aren't coming up with Machiavellian schemes to exert power over old friends. She's grieving and she's turned to someone she's known a long time and presumably feels comfortable with/likes.

OP, do you want to share a bit more of the background? It might cast light on what's happening now and what the best way to respond might be.

Newwashingmachine

bagpussbear wrote: »

Given you feel like you are being used, then I would contact her and just say sorry, something has come up, and you aren't in a position to help.

If she is annoyed, well actually that's a good thing as she will probably ignore you, which is what you want.

If you go ahead, and help on this matter (whatever that is), let's be honest - you know she is going to ask for something else, or phone or knock at your house.

I'm not so sure you necessarily need to say sorry I don't want to be your friend, simply 'sorry I am in no longer a position to help' and then avoid calls etc, and she will get the message.

BIB - agree totally. If you don't sort this out now you will end up resenting her. Once you tell her you can't help you will feel huge relief.

I had a friend similar to this (very different circumstances) and felt used. I ended up sending a brief message explaining that I was really busy and couldn't help her. She got the message and although it seemed cruel it was the best way to stop it.

dandelionclock30

Well shes been quite nasty over the years, when a friend of mine died in an accident, she said do you think anyone would bother to come to your funeral? I think thats pretty rude.I've got family and friends and havent done anything really outragously bad in life so I dont see why not. The friend who passed away was not known to her.
Her partner was once making snidey remarks at me for nothing and she just sat there and didnt say anything. In my opinion she should have told him to be quiet. It was that bad that me and my partner just left the place we were out at. I felt really let down as I was really attacked. Also she wont go anywhere or do anything so I've got nothing in common with her as I like to be out and about. So I feel I have nothing in common with her either.
I just think shes not the right friend for me really.

JoW123

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Well shes been quite nasty over the years, when a friend of mine died in an accident, she said do you think anyone would bother to come to your funeral? I think thats pretty rude.I've got family and friends and havent done anything really outragously bad in life so I dont see why not. The friend who passed away was not known to her.
Her partner was once making snidey remarks at me for nothing and she just sat there and didnt say anything. In my opinion she should have told him to be quiet. It was that bad that me and my partner just left the place we were out at. I felt really let down as I was really attacked. Also she wont go anywhere or do anything so I've got nothing in common with her as I like to be out and about. So I feel I have nothing in common with her either.
I just think shes not the right friend for me really.

In that case I would just say 'I'm sorry I can't help you'. You owe her nothing.

Lily-Rose_3

From what you have said DC, you really need to cut ties now. Phone her back or send her a text, or a note in the mail (whatever is easiest,) and just say that despite saying that you could help her a few days ago, something has come up in your life, and you are not in a position to help her.

I 'get' what Person One is saying, but as there seems to be some animosity here, and the Op flat out doesn't want to know, I don't think what she is saying really applies here. (No offence Person One: JMHO.)

DC, I think you need to let the answerphone take your calls for a while, so you don't end up having to speak to her. As many have said on here, you don't owe her anything.

Mrs_Boo_Boo

I had the same thing a few months ago. Someone who I knew at university saw me on Facebook and I accepted her as a friend. She then wanted to meet up because she had moved back into the area. She really let me down when we were at uni and lots of mutual friends. We kept in touch for a while after we left,but then it fizzled out. My other friends wanted nothing to do with her so I kept quiet.I then get a message having a go and she'd been told certain people didn't want anything to do with her so could I delete her. Well no actually she could unfriend me,but I wasn't going to be the bad person. So I have left it. She obviously hasn't changed and I'm not going to be taken in. Some friendships have to be let go. Don't get taken in.