What would you do in this situation?

JoW123

What sort of things is she asking for help with? Is it practical things or emotional support? Is she just turning up unannounced or ringing beforehand? If she is just turning up then you might need to be a bit blunt and say 'I'm sorry I'm just heading out' etc. If you don't want to re-kindle any type of friendship then you need to be quite firm now as in a few months it will be difficult to back away. You've acknowledged her loss but now she needs to get support from people who have been around in her life and not lean on you.

SailorSam

I'd send a card.
Earlier this year i fell out with a friend we've been good mates for over 40yrs. And now as Christmas gets nearer i've been wondering about sending him and his wife a card, but i don't want to re-kindle the friendship and i've decided i will, it's only a card.

dandelionclock30

I've already sent a sympathy card and I dont send Xmas cards to anyone as I just dont do them.
Shes just turning up unanounced and asking for advice and help with practical stuff.

KxMx

Don't answer the door, there is no law that says you have too.
Or just make an excuse that you're busy/on the way out/ expecting someone round any minute and shut the door.
Being nice is only going to encourage something that you don't want to happen.
Sometimes you have to harden your heart for the sake of your own sanity!

QuackQuackOops

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I've already sent a sympathy card and I dont send Xmas cards to anyone as I just dont do them.
Shes just turning up unanounced and asking for advice and help with practical stuff.

Tell her you're sorry her Mum died but you're not interested in a friendship.
Better to nip it in the bud rather than put up with something you don't want.

fedupfreddie

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I've already sent a sympathy card and I dont send Xmas cards to anyone as I just dont do them.
Shes just turning up unanounced and asking for advice and help with practical stuff.

She may not have anyone else to ask for advice. If you don't feel able to help then it would be nice to suggest another source of support.

dandelionclock30

The lady rang again yesterday wanting help regarding another matter. I got caught out and said I'd help. Now I'm angry at myself and dont want to and my partner says I will have to as I said I would.
I feel that I'm getting sucked back in and I dont want anything to do with this woman above a brief polite exchange in the street.
I think its very difficult to tell someone that you dont want to know as your risk a barrage of abuse or worse really. I feel like I'm being used because when I needed some support over an issue she refused to help me.

JoW123

Maybe help her out with this, but then you need to be frank and say you won't be available to help further. If she asks why, then tell her you felt unsupported in the past and that you wish her well but don't feel that you can be a part of her life in the future.

Ivrytwr3

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I feel like I'm being used because when I needed some support over an issue she refused to help me.

Whatever she said to refuse your request last time i would throw straight back and close the door/hang up the phone.

bagpussbear

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

The lady rang again yesterday wanting help regarding another matter. I got caught out and said I'd help. Now I'm angry at myself and dont want to and my partner says I will have to as I said I would.
I feel that I'm getting sucked back in and I dont want anything to do with this woman above a brief polite exchange in the street.
I think its very difficult to tell someone that you dont want to know as your risk a barrage of abuse or worse really. I feel like I'm being used because when I needed some support over an issue she refused to help me.

Given you feel like you are being used, then I would contact her and just say sorry, something has come up, and you aren't in a position to help.

If she is annoyed, well actually that's a good thing as she will probably ignore you, which is what you want.

If you go ahead, and help on this matter (whatever that is), let's be honest - you know she is going to ask for something else, or phone or knock at your house.

I'm not so sure you necessarily need to say sorry I don't want to be your friend, simply 'sorry I am in no longer a position to help' and then avoid calls etc, and she will get the message.