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I don't even know where to start
scarygoat
Posts: 2 Newbie
I'll simply go over the basics first. I'm 19, currently unemployed but on ESA and should be starting an apprenticeship once my health is better. I live with both my parents and my two younger siblings. (15 & 9, respectively) and to be blunt... we're screwed.
It started about three years ago with the death of my grandmother (my mum's mum) who I was very close to. I was at college at the time but dropped out because I was depressed and suffering from the effects of Anorexia at the time, though it still hadn't reached it's worst point. When she died, we found out that she had been stealing from my mother (she said she had taken a loan out in 1999 for her, and had told her that up until 2014, it still hadn't been paid off, she never took out a loan, instead giving my mother some of her savings and saying it was a loan, roughly getting 20k over the years for a 2k loan) and had spent all of her and my grandfather's savings. So, my mother offered to help my grandfather financially (even though with only one wage in the house, my fathers, we couldn't really afford to) and even turned down jobs to care for him (due to smoking, which is what killed my grandmother, his copd is just getting worse and worse and honestly there's no sign that's ever gonna stop).
At around this point I began to notice my father's behavior change. He had, honestly, always been violent with us as children and I think he may have been with my mother, though he for sure was emotionally abuse. The first time that he gambled away all the money in the house was the day of my grans funeral, forcing my mum on one of the hardest days in her life to have to ask her sister for money... he continued this type of behavior for the next year, until he quit his job. At which point, with him in the house 24/7 and with the problems that my sister had (extremely bad anxiety and this causing her to not be able to attend school) as well as my mother (she hoards animals) used to cope with this behavior, like I did with anorexia, things regularly began to blow up. Whenever he turned violent with either of my siblings, I or my mother would step in, and he's at least three times the weight of me and my mother who have very similar statures, and as you can guess, occasionally we would get the worst of it, one time I was badly scratched in the face, I had to tell my friends I was mugged though I think they were suspicious due to how bad the scratches were. In the last six months, though, he has gotten, somehow, even worse. He's now defaulting to abusive behavior, so he's angry all the time, even in front of my 9 year old brother... I will admit, sometimes I goad him, hoping that he hurts me enough that it'll cause me to be hospitalized and that he'll get out of our lives this way... regardless of how hurt I get, I'd much rather it be me than them. They both bear scars from his behavior, both physical and emotional, which I feel hugely guilty for.
But after one time of gambling all the wages in the house, my mother asked me if she could use my bank account, I wasn't at college or work and didn't have any income so I agreed, on the condition that he couldn't know or have access to the account. This arrangement worked for a little while, until he overheard us discussing it and went ballistic, my mother had been lying about how much money actually came into the house, hiding most of it away (though really just spending it on things like rent, gas, food, electricity and council tax) and he was furious.
Which leads us to the current situation. He bullied my mother (which I don't blame her for... she's as much a victim in this as I am, in my opinion) into giving him the pin to the bank card and withdrew every penny and gambled it and lost it. So because of this, one direct debit came off (rather than all the ones that should've) but this put my account into overdraft, and as I didn't have an overdraft, I was obviously charged several fees... a few months later and my mother and I have planned to move and leave him behind... but we're literally in the negative, very little of our furniture would survive a move, the bank are starting legal processes, my credit is in the gutters as is my mothers so a loan or credit card is out of the question, as is even simple things like a mobile phone contract and honestly, I'm just... unbelievably hurt and angry and... he gets to sit there and be happy about it. I don't know what I should do, I certainly don't have the funds to pay off the overdraft nor does my mother, and due to my father forcing her to pawn some of my late gran's jewelry and things, her siblings are no longer talking to her and although my elderly grandfather would help, he too was screwed over by my grandmother... I just don't know what to do, I (and I think anyone else would be, to be fair) am completely in over my head.
It started about three years ago with the death of my grandmother (my mum's mum) who I was very close to. I was at college at the time but dropped out because I was depressed and suffering from the effects of Anorexia at the time, though it still hadn't reached it's worst point. When she died, we found out that she had been stealing from my mother (she said she had taken a loan out in 1999 for her, and had told her that up until 2014, it still hadn't been paid off, she never took out a loan, instead giving my mother some of her savings and saying it was a loan, roughly getting 20k over the years for a 2k loan) and had spent all of her and my grandfather's savings. So, my mother offered to help my grandfather financially (even though with only one wage in the house, my fathers, we couldn't really afford to) and even turned down jobs to care for him (due to smoking, which is what killed my grandmother, his copd is just getting worse and worse and honestly there's no sign that's ever gonna stop).
At around this point I began to notice my father's behavior change. He had, honestly, always been violent with us as children and I think he may have been with my mother, though he for sure was emotionally abuse. The first time that he gambled away all the money in the house was the day of my grans funeral, forcing my mum on one of the hardest days in her life to have to ask her sister for money... he continued this type of behavior for the next year, until he quit his job. At which point, with him in the house 24/7 and with the problems that my sister had (extremely bad anxiety and this causing her to not be able to attend school) as well as my mother (she hoards animals) used to cope with this behavior, like I did with anorexia, things regularly began to blow up. Whenever he turned violent with either of my siblings, I or my mother would step in, and he's at least three times the weight of me and my mother who have very similar statures, and as you can guess, occasionally we would get the worst of it, one time I was badly scratched in the face, I had to tell my friends I was mugged though I think they were suspicious due to how bad the scratches were. In the last six months, though, he has gotten, somehow, even worse. He's now defaulting to abusive behavior, so he's angry all the time, even in front of my 9 year old brother... I will admit, sometimes I goad him, hoping that he hurts me enough that it'll cause me to be hospitalized and that he'll get out of our lives this way... regardless of how hurt I get, I'd much rather it be me than them. They both bear scars from his behavior, both physical and emotional, which I feel hugely guilty for.
But after one time of gambling all the wages in the house, my mother asked me if she could use my bank account, I wasn't at college or work and didn't have any income so I agreed, on the condition that he couldn't know or have access to the account. This arrangement worked for a little while, until he overheard us discussing it and went ballistic, my mother had been lying about how much money actually came into the house, hiding most of it away (though really just spending it on things like rent, gas, food, electricity and council tax) and he was furious.
Which leads us to the current situation. He bullied my mother (which I don't blame her for... she's as much a victim in this as I am, in my opinion) into giving him the pin to the bank card and withdrew every penny and gambled it and lost it. So because of this, one direct debit came off (rather than all the ones that should've) but this put my account into overdraft, and as I didn't have an overdraft, I was obviously charged several fees... a few months later and my mother and I have planned to move and leave him behind... but we're literally in the negative, very little of our furniture would survive a move, the bank are starting legal processes, my credit is in the gutters as is my mothers so a loan or credit card is out of the question, as is even simple things like a mobile phone contract and honestly, I'm just... unbelievably hurt and angry and... he gets to sit there and be happy about it. I don't know what I should do, I certainly don't have the funds to pay off the overdraft nor does my mother, and due to my father forcing her to pawn some of my late gran's jewelry and things, her siblings are no longer talking to her and although my elderly grandfather would help, he too was screwed over by my grandmother... I just don't know what to do, I (and I think anyone else would be, to be fair) am completely in over my head.
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Comments
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It would be helpful if you could repost this with shorter sentences, more paragraphs and less detail. Get to the nub of it and make your specific questions clearer. It is very hard to read and digest your post.
From a browse, it looks like you have a debt issue so post brief details on the Debt Free wanabee board as they can give you expert advice on how to deal with this issue. For that, you really need to leave out the bumpf and put down who owes what to who.
Also, there seems to be a domestic abuse issue from my quick skim of your dense post. You will find the Womens Aid website very helpful.0 -
It would be helpful if you could repost this with shorter sentences, more paragraphs and less detail. Get to the nub of it and make your specific questions clearer. It is very hard to read and digest your post.
F
Definately, I gave up because of the lack of paragraphs and the length of detail, break it down a bit OP or a lot of pple might do the same xThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
I really feel for you after reading this - have you read the thread at the top regarding women's refuge?
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963
I hope you and your mum and siblings manage to get far away from your father as it seems like you would all benefit from this.0 -
Also it seems to me that this might be the first time you've sat and written all of this down, hence the long paragraphs? You might find that getting it all down in writing helps too - I went through a really difficult time last year and writing it all down helped me to process what I'd been through, you could also speak to your GP about counselling as what you've been through emotionally will almost certainly weigh heavy on you for a while.
I really do hope you manage to do something about this situation0 -
Also it seems to me that this might be the first time you've sat and written all of this down, hence the long paragraphs? You might find that getting it all down in writing helps too - I went through a really difficult time last year and writing it all down helped me to process what I'd been through, you could also speak to your GP about counselling as what you've been through emotionally will almost certainly weigh heavy on you for a while.
I really do hope you manage to do something about this situation
It is, indeed. I know what I should do, which is call the police and get him as far away from us as possible, but the reality is a lot different, honestly, I'm scared. We will eventually get away from him but... I just don't know how we're gonna survive because of all that's happened. What kind of family are we gonna be able to build when we're all damaged from him and totally broke.0 -
It is, indeed. I know what I should do, which is call the police and get him as far away from us as possible, but the reality is a lot different, honestly, I'm scared. We will eventually get away from him but... I just don't know how we're gonna survive because of all that's happened. What kind of family are we gonna be able to build when we're all damaged from him and totally broke.
A happy and safe one.
Find a refuge, as soon as you can. There is lots of help available.
Good luck.0 -
The first thing you and your mum need to do is contact Womens Aid for help and advice on getting away from the abusive relationship.
Everything else can follow from that first step.Smiles are as perfect a gift as hugs...
..one size fits all... and nobody minds if you give it back.☆.。.:*・° Housework is so much easier without the clutter ☆.。.:*・°SPC No. 5180 -
There are ways around this I'm sure of it. I can't imagine what this is like for you as I've never been in a situation like this but there are people who can help you even if you don't want to go to the police please please speak to your GP or citizens advice bureau or refuge.
I don't know who else you could turn to maybe someone else will come up with something - it might help if you could try and condense this down into smaller paragraphs and put it in a new thread as I think you may get more responses if there isn't quite so much to read as other people have pointed out already.
I hope you get the help you all need0 -
Speak to the NSPCC because this is affecting your little brother. They have a freephone number
0808 800 5000.
Get yourselves safe before you even attempt to deal with the money situation.:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0 -
Go to your nearest citizens advice centre tomorrow, they deal with thsi kind of thing all the time so will be able to provide clear and sensible advice.
If you havent already, tell your bank your account has been accessed without your permission and ask them to change the pin etc. check when other direct debits are due to go out and if needed speak to the companies to discuss alternative ways to pay once you have some income, a lot of places will discuss a payment plan with you. Do not give your mother or anyone else access to your pin again, it is perfectly possible to set up direct debits etc to pay household bills without giving someone free access to your cash, this will protect you too!!
Also check out any domestic abuse sites/information for leaving an abusive situation as this will give practical advice.
Finally, remember that although things look bleak now, you have got positive things to look forward to and light at the end of the tunnel- i started an apprenticeship at 19 too and ended up managing the team a few years later!
I hope things get better soon xx0
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