Adult daughter with chronic depression - how to help?

AlexLK

Sorry this is not really relevant to the OPs post.

Counting Pennies: Thank you for your paragraph about mess, it has made me realise that my own mental health is greatly affected by the mess around me and it is not helping matters. Unfortunately, I very much struggle to motivate myself and my wife simply doesn't care.

meritaten

my DD is bipolar, diagnosed a few years ago. she has 'highs' where she thinks she can conquer the world and rarely sleeps and her house is 'superclean', she can take up 'hobbies' and do them superbly - then for unknown reasons she sinks into depression and sleeps a lot, drops her hobbies, doesn't tidy and clean and is 'snappy' with everyone.
All you can really do as a mum is be tolerant, 'there' for her, and treat her as normal.
oh and I have the grandkids over more than usual to give them some 'respite care' as they call it.

Anatidaephobia

You sound like a very supportive mum. Does she confide in you, does she feel like she can talk to you? I ask because my own parents found it difficult to talk about mental illness and that made it worse for me. I find that talking almost always helps.

Make time to do "normal" things together, spend quality time together; watch a dvd, have dinner, go for a walk (would combat the weight issue too), keep busy.

If the treatment she's getting at the moment is just medication then I would recommend exploring other types of treatment - counselling, therapy, CBT, support groups as mentioned by others can be helpful too. My own experience is that doctors tend to just give you drugs and send you on your way and I had a lot of difficulty dealing with a) the side effects and b) the symptoms I was still experiencing that weren't being treated by the meds.

I would talk to her about it, if you haven't already, find out what her opinions are, find out what symptoms she feels are causing her the most difficulty. Ask her what you can do to help.

I also completely agree with Counting Pennies comments about mess.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

As someone with MH conditions, I can hopefully give you some advice.

Don't mention your daughter's weight ever - most people on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, tricyclics/SSRI/SNRI/MAOI drugs put on weight, it is very normal and usually down to the medication. I've been 7 stone, and I've been 15 stone, and it was all down to meds. Let your daughter be comfortable enough to address it in her own time, not when you demand it (she is a grown up!) as it will affect her mood. Would you like to be called fat?

Ask your daughter what she would like you to do. Dead simple, but so many people miss the mark on this one. My parents help with shopping and transport as due to other health stuff I'm not legally allowed to drive, but everything else is down to me. Give her as much responsibility as she can handle and then a little more, but be ready to take over something for a little while if it all goes pear shaped.

And remember, she will get there (wherever there is for her). Sometimes you have to watch them fall flat on their face because it is how people learn, through mistakes, but be there when they get back up. They always get there in the end, maybe not how they imagined, but they will do it.

If I could talk to her, I'd tell her to look after herself in the sense of being kind to herself. You could treat her to a favourite activity (Mine is reading, so my support network get me kindle or waterstones vouchers) just to emphasise that you are behind her, regardless of how many times she messes up, cries, does something silly because her head doesn't think normally etc...the list goes on and on. And to never ever give up on herself, because she is worth so much more than she gives herself credit for. You might have to remind her sometimes, but eventually it will stick in her head the same way the negative things have done.

OP, just remember your child is a person; one who deserves all the love, care, happiness and joy in the world, regardless of how her head makes her come across sometimes. I hope that helped a little, and just know that you both are never alone in this.

skattykatty

Agree that the weight gain very probably related to medication. I wonder if she has had any support, from any mental health worker, about how to manage her mental health? Like you say, when she is in acute distress, of course you step in there. However, other than those (hopefully, rare) times, then it's about supporting her to help herself. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and realise that it is for her to do, in time, as she feels better. In time, she will be able to become more independent. Part of the process is accepting the diagnosis and understanding triggers to depression and mania and how to deal with them before they become overwhelming. This takes time. Is there any specialist counselling/therapeutic support available for her? Also, how often are her meds reviewed? Does she discuss the side effects with doctors? I realise that these questions are more for her to think about rather than you OP. You sound like you are doing all you can do at the moment.

snowleopard61

Thank you all very much. Special thanks to CountingPennies for an incredibly detailed and thoughtful reply, and JackyAnn who said something very insightful which I hadn't particularly considered before ("...she is still quite young, and young people with mental illness often "stand still" for awhile. She may need more time to mature before she can make many decisions.").

There are so many thoughts expressed above that it will take me time to sift through them, but it's helpful to have the different takes on the various issues. It may well be worth pursuing a Mind group, which is something I mentioned to her before (partly because it may help her into volunteering as a way into working in mental health herself, since that interests her).

A couple of posters asked what help she had received other than medication - she was under the local CAMHS for several years and had various forms of talking and group therapy. She is under the care of adult services now and has had follow-up from a consultant psychiatrist every few months, plus CPN-type services after discharge from hospital. At the moment she seems interested in receiving a course of CBT and is being referred for this (she had something similar before but didn't find it very helpful; however, she's older now and initiated this herself, so may find it does a lot of good, as many people find). Most importantly, it looks as if she is going to have a nurse she can call on in times of crisis as a way to urgent professional help, because those are the points when nothing else helps, despite our best efforts.

Other posters said 'Ask her' and I would like to say that I have done so. Her response tends... - sorry, pressed 'post' by mistake. I'm still typing!!

snowleopard61

Other posters said 'Ask her what support she wants' and I would like to say that I have done so, more than once. Her response tends to be that I don't need to do anything different - not as in 'Leave me alone/get off my case' type of thing; she's not that sort of person. It's more that she herself can't think of anything else that would help. That's why I try to do so.

I'd also like to say that I've never 'demanded' she lose weight or (heaven forbid!) called her fat. As my earlier posts explained, the point is that she knows she has a weight problem and it makes her unhappy (not to mention potentially unwell with physical problems to compound everything else), so on the one hand it may benefit her if I support her in practical ways; on the other hand my offering to do so may reinforce her awareness of her weight. I think most posters understand the dilemma and it's been useful to have the varied responses above, which I'll now think over.

(I also meant to say, she is considering dropping to part-time hours in order to do some sort of part-time study or training, which may possibly work out very well.)

Most people seem to feel that helping sort out messy bedrooms etc. is helpful, so I'll probably continue to do so at intervals. I echo the thoughts above about how mess messes (!) with your head in itself and that's my own feeling on the subject, although my daughter doesn't actually find the mess too troubling. I guess she's just still very young!

Above all, thank you all for the support, and particularly for the general consensus that I'm on the right track. I've had quite a lot of years to get used to it now, but it's the future that does rather concern me.

DomRavioli

snowleopard61 wrote: »

Other posters said 'Ask her what support she wants' and I would like to say that I have done so, more than once. Her response tends to be that I don't need to do anything different - not as in 'Leave me alone/get off my case' type of thing; she's not that sort of person. It's more that she herself can't think of anything else that would help. That's why I try to do so.

I'd also like to say that I've never 'demanded' she lose weight or (heaven forbid!) called her fat. As my earlier posts explained, the point is that she knows she has a weight problem and it makes her unhappy (not to mention potentially unwell with physical problems to compound everything else), so on the one hand it may benefit her if I support her in practical ways; on the other hand my offering to do so may reinforce her awareness of her weight. I think most posters understand the dilemma and it's been useful to have the varied responses above, which I'll now think over. When she's ready to lose weight, she will. I was pointing out not to mention it because she will be all too aware, and it can have the opposite effect.

(I also meant to say, she is considering dropping to part-time hours in order to do some sort of part-time study or training, which may possibly work out very well.)

Most people seem to feel that helping sort out messy bedrooms etc. is helpful, so I'll probably continue to do so at intervals. I echo the thoughts above about how mess messes (!) with your head in itself and that's my own feeling on the subject, although my daughter doesn't actually find the mess too troubling. I guess she's just still very young! You sound like a fab mum

Above all, thank you all for the support, and particularly for the general consensus that I'm on the right track. I've had quite a lot of years to get used to it now, but it's the future that does rather concern me.

Hi OP,

If she's happy with what you're doing, then keep doing it. When she needs it to change, she'll let you know. I know it can be very frustrating for you, but you're doing great

BrassicWoman

DomRavioli wrote: »

Hi OP,

If she's happy with what you're doing, then keep doing it. When she needs it to change, she'll let you know. I know it can be very frustrating for you, but you're doing great

I agree with this!

toniq

Op my child sounds so similar to yours, mine is on a few meds, the olanzipine makes her weight balloon which upsets mine greatly, I hope you find a way through as we are struggling with a girl that often wants to die and has attempted it whilst at uni. Cbt starts soon for our girl as well as constant her constant psych appts. I really wish you well as this is such a hard road to travel watching your child suffer and not being able to help..