Adult daughter with chronic depression - how to help?

snowleopard61

This will be quite long, for which my apologies.

I have two daughters in their early twenties, the elder of whom has suffered from clinical depression since her GCSE year and had a psych admission for a couple of weeks at the end of last year. Her diagnosis has been described by one consultant as bipolar disorder and another as depression with psychosis. (This sounds, in one sense, ‘worse than it is’ – although she has times of huge distress, she is quite logical and sensible to communicate with in everyday life and in fact she actually comes across as quite calm and not a temperamental sort of person.)

She is in full-time work in a fairly mundane job - although she is bright and was quite academic at school - because her mental health had a very detrimental effect on her attempts to continue with her education. It has also had a similar effect on her efforts to progress at work; she had quite an impressive promotion on the strength of her abilities, only to find that her mental health deteriorated and the side effects of her medication became worse, so that she had to drop back to her previous level. There are times when it looks as if she may have to drop another level, and she really doesn’t want this to happen. She is interested in working in mental health herself, although as she only has GCSEs (quite good ones, 10 of them, mostly Bs with some As) getting into it may be difficult, not to mention the actual or perceived risk to her own wellbeing, given that her own mental health hasn’t stabilised.

She has been in a relationship for about 18 months with an extremely kind and supportive chap in his late twenties, but has twice in the last six months broken up with him for brief periods, not after a row but saying she doesn’t feel the same any more – however, each time she’s changed her mind and got back together with him. Technically they each still live at home but in practice they almost always stay together, either at our house or his parents’.

Another effect of her problems has been a great deal of weight gain; at 16 she was a tall and slim size 10, sporty as well as academic. (She’s also very pretty, despite her current weight.) She’s in size 18 clothes now and they are tight, which worries me mainly for her health but also for her self-esteem – this makes me feel as if I’m treading on eggshells because I never know whether it’s more harmful to encourage her to lose weight (something I know she would like to do, if it weren’t so hard) or to ignore her weight gain. I also never know whether I ought to sort her messy room out for her (as I have done many times in the past) or treat her as an adult and just leave her to do it. She doesn’t mind my doing it and I know it must seem quite overwhelming to her, but one day she may well have a home and perhaps children, and I also worry that she won’t be able to cope with the increased responsibility then if she can’t cope with this now.

Can anyone suggest how I can best help and support her day-to-day, in the hope of her leading a fulfilling life? I am not (mainly) asking how to help when she's acutely distressed - that's another matter - but how to help her deal with the general effects of her illness on her whole life. In particular, anything that leads to fulfilment requires a certain amount of consistent effort, and this seems to be particularly difficult for her. Whether as a result of the illness or the medication, or something physical (though she has had some investigations and there doesn't seem to be anything serious wrong), she could probably sleep most of the day given the chance, although her sleep at night isn't always great - I do try to help her with 'sleep hygiene', but sometimes I'm fighting a losing battle.

(I may not always reply immediately on this thread, but I will come back at intervals.)

dandelionclock30

Sounds like you are very supportive as it is. What about giving her the details of a local mental health support group? .Places like Mind run them, often people who attend say that they get good tips regarding coping etc from others as well as support. Also then she is doing something for herself regarding moving herself forward.
She will know herself about her weight and that could be due inactivity and or the medication shes on. She could discuss this with the Dr and review her treatment if she wished. I personally think she will know about the options available here and that often mentioning someones weight can do a lot of harm especially if they are feeling very low.
I think I would be taking up more exercize and healthy eating myself and be encouraging her to join in, this would be a better way of approaching this.
Lots of people with mental health issues do go on to work in the mental health field. Service users have all types of groups where they offer advice and support to services with and without doing actual helping work with people.Really though to do any type of actual helping work you have to be o.k yourself because you dont want it detrimentally affecting your own mental health.
It sounds like she might benefit from doing some type of further study is she interested in going to college or uni?

snowleopard61

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Sounds like you are very supportive as it is. What about giving her the details of a local mental health support group? .Places like Mind run them, often people who attend say that they get good tips regarding coping etc from others as well as support. Also then she is doing something for herself regarding moving herself forward.
She will know herself about her weight and that could be due inactivity and or the medication shes on. She could discuss this with the Dr and review her treatment if she wished. I personally think she will know about the options available here and that often mentioning someones weight can do a lot of harm especially if they are feeling very low.
I think I would be taking up more exercize and healthy eating myself and be encouraging her to join in, this would be a better way of approaching this.
Lots of people with mental health issues do go on to work in the mental health field. Service users have all types of groups where they offer advice and support to services with and without doing actual helping work with people.Really though to do any type of actual helping work you have to be o.k yourself because you dont want it detrimentally affecting your own mental health.
It sounds like she might benefit from doing some type of further study is she interested in going to college or uni?

I have half-suggested groups and could do so again. She wasn't anti the idea but not particularly keen.

Both her sister and I exercise (her sister in the gym, me by walking everywhere for transport, around an hour a day) and eat quite healthily, and we did so as a family when she was growing up. She belongs to a gym but doesn't go - for various practical reasons her gym doesn't suit her sister, and her sister's doesn't suit her! She and her boyfriend eat together mostly, and unfortunately I think this doesn't help, though he's a lovely person. I do go food shopping with her some of the time and she buys the 'right' things (of her own choice, not to please me) and then eats the 'wrong' ones! (takeaways etc with her boyfriend) This isn't the case all the time; she does try to eat sensible breakfasts and lunches, but there is a lot of temptation around at work as well.

She did try doing an access course (having left college during her AS year because she wasn't up to it at the time) but found she couldn't motivate herself to do the work, which of course she had to do in her own time as she was also working. It concerns me that if she were to attempt full-time study she would have given up her job and then may not be able to cope with the course, leading to feelings of failure all round.

summerspring

Could the weight-gain be a side-effect of her medication? It's a difficult one to address if it is the meds that are causing it. But if not, then I wouldn't mention it, because she is bound to realise herself that she is overweight and may not want others pointing it out to her!

snowleopard61

Flumina wrote: »

Could the weight-gain be a side-effect of her medication? It's a difficult one to address if it is the meds that are causing it. But if not, then I wouldn't mention it, because she is bound to realise herself that she is overweight and may not want others pointing it out to her!

I'm sure it is, partially, either metabolically (which really must be difficult to address), or because they make her eat more and (double whammy) make her more tired and therefore less active. She certainly knows she is overweight and doesn't need it pointed out; what I mean is whether it is better for me to make more of a point of trying to help her with healthy eating and activity (i.e. cooking her meals myself, or going to the gym with her) when it would be obvious to her why I was doing so.

jackyann

I would definitely look on the Mind website and see if there is a local group. Attending one yourself may help you to see the what best to tackle first with your daughter.
2 particular things strike me:
one is that she is still quite young, and young people with mental illness often "stand still" for awhile. She may need more time to mature before she can make many decisions.
The other is that she & bf don't have their own space to move their relationship forward. Thinking about the reasons for that may be helpful (including whether she / they like things as they are)

Also - Mind have published quite a lot about walking as an aid to mental health - a lot of people who don't get on with gyms or formal exercise love walking.

preciousillusions

I've nothing to add beyond the good suggestions that have already been given, but just wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing all the right things despite feeling unsure as to how to help her. As someone who also suffers from depression I'd say that she is lucky to have such an understanding mum and I really hope that by working together she can start to make improvements. The difference that just having someone there to listen and support without judgement can make is huge. Be patient and keep encouraging her as much as you can. Motivation can be really hard to muster when you are struggling with such low mood but it's in that state that the little steps forward go a long way.

Spirit_2

You sound lovely and supportive. A non judgemental non critical parent..I only wish I could manage that all of the time.

Things that have helped in a similar situation(not all at once.it would be suffocating...but as needed on what can be a long journey):
Helped with personal organisation - as that can 'go'. This could be laundry/ironing/ helping stay on top of clutter in personal space.

That she is in a good relationship is great..if she withdraws from social things..welcome her friends to home and create opportnities to invite them.

Mostly finding ways to support 'sport and fitness' to get endorphins whizzing about. Dog walks in great places, charity/sponsored walks/runs. In our case ensuring she prioritised/kept up a what can be a relatively expensive outdoor pursuit.

Regular baking or other creative outlets and 'relying' on her to have made the cake/bread for teh weekend.

Underpinned further study/further travel to give things to plan and look forward too.


At times in the past both my OH and I have had periods of depression...neither of us would ever want to go back there. We know it is recoverable, it has been for our daughter and I hope it si for yours.

Good luck

Edit: our slim daughter..got slimmer..that was not good either so we made regular family meals a priority.

Newly_retired

All good advice so far.
But I want to sound a word of warning - though not saying the OP is doing this.
It is all too easy for a parent in this sort of situation to be too involved - and for the young person to be too dependent.
It makes it very difficult for the young person to actually exercise their independence when the time is right.
It also can harm the parent's own well being, long term.


I only say this as my parents were over- involved in my sister's life and without going into details, it was only when she eventually moved into a care home for those with mental health problems that they got their lives back.

Counting_Pennies_2

The child you describe could have been me.


I got anorexia during my GCSEs was hospitalised straight after having achieved 11 A - C, had to drop out of A levels as I couldn't get out of hospital in time.


The difference is my mum (depressed herself and enough problems to keep her busy without my needs) just sent me from counsellor to counsellor thinking that was my answer, but in reality all it made me do was look inward further and become more depressed.


I ballooned from 5 1/2 stone to 13 within 6 months. The hospital did an awful recovery job and I was left in a dreadful state. No education, depressed, and not recognising myself in the mirror. Very unhappy with my weight. After a lot of hard work I found myself a part time job (it was the mid nineties so similar situation that work was hard to find for school leavers) then got myself into full time work by very hard graft and continued unfulfilled for many years. I am now married with two beautiful children. I have struggled through postnatal depression. Weight not great, but under control. Finding ways of being happy. Now heading into my 40th year.


I give you the above not to scare you that your daughter will end up the same way but to give you the benefit of my hindsight and what I think would have been helpful.


Job
I wish I had been able to look at the various careers out there and train for something worthwhile. I fell into whatever job would have me. Then slogged hard working every hour god sent for a decade to prove I was just as good as the university graduates who were in the same positions as me. Without the background of further study I found it hard lacking the knowledge the study gives you. I wish there was the opportunity to go back into education, get some A levels, or find a way of getting a degree. As it was I fell into HR through various admin jobs and had the opportunity to do the CIPD, and finally got a degree after 5 years of working full time and studying several nights a week and one full day. But it really wasn't a career that interested me. I knew I wanted to help people, to do good, but actually I was the baddie stuck between the directors and owners of companies imposing their will and the employees revolting against it, I was in the middle quoting the law and case law to both sides explaining why things were and were not possible, delivering policy and rules to people. For me it wasn't enjoyable. I wish I had explored a worthwhile career. I have always wondered if I could have become an osteopath, I also wanted to run my own tea rooms both have interested me but both seem completely out of reach. Now involved with a family business and two young children, I don't see myself being able to retrain for anything worthwhile until the children don't rely on me and I can focus on finding the right niche for me. If I could have done this before settling down I think I would feel more fulfilled now.


So my advice would be if she wants to study now, perhaps some A levels or a vocational course, I would see how possible it would be to support her. Could she go down to part time hours and study part time? I think if she felt fulfilled in the right job and having achieved a qualification she might feel happier?


Weight
Is there a way you can get active with your daughter? Does she like to cycle? Are there any old railway cycling routes? They are flat and often have cycle hire facilities if you don't have your own bikes. Could you all go out and have a nice cycle and a healthy picnic at the end?


Does she like pilates, aqua? Could you go together to a class?


Both of the above I have found really fun to do, and have lifted my spirits each time. I have struggled to find the energy to even do the basic tasks in life, but the above have helped me.


I have tried various slimming and weight control schemes, Rosemary Connelly, Weightwatchers, Atkins etc. The only one that has had a change in my life has been Slimming World. That is because it not only monitors your weight loss, but it insists you will not be hungry on their eating plan. It is a re-education of how to eat healthily. Could you both attend this on a weekly basis, then when she is established in attending just drive her there and pick up? I have found it very supportive. It is also eating everyday food, so the whole family can get in on the eating plan without anything being off limits and no one feeling they are being restricted.


Mess
I find when my mental health takes a nose dive, mess increases. I lose all control over how to maintain an orderly life. I am sure she would appreciate your help with mess and disorder. Each time my house becomes a mess, I become overwhelmed. A knot forms in my stomach and my head becomes a fog. It is a perpetual cycle. If you are able to support her do offer to help her get order. Perhaps try the offer of doing together as you suggest, so she is able to start feeling in control.


Relationship
It might be that this chap is not her forever man. While she is in this state of unhappiness and being out of control she might see him as being her only option, hence back and forth. No one will know how it ends up. I guess until she is able to get some control over where she is heading it will continue to yo yo.


You sound an incredibly supportive mum. All I remember was feeling I didn't have any options. If the world was opened up a little more to me and I could see there were choices out there, I think it would have helped my mental wellbeing. It is a big world out there, and mental health problems can sometimes make the world feel a very small place. It contains you, limits you and sometimes you just can't find a way out.


Continue to encourage her and show her other options. That she doesn't have to be stuck with any of her life choices, that she can do things differently. That it is not too late to try new things.


Hope the above helps

BrassicWoman

Ask what support she would like instead of guessing. She needs o feel more control in her life, not less!

Size 18 is not a size where the bus tips up when you get on it, and won't hurt her for a little while. Don't get hung up on it, just have healthy food in the house anyway.