Can't afford to leave

msb5262

MrsSaver wrote: »

I'm in a relationship I can't afford to leave.

We both earn £36k. If I leave I will have full nursery fees (£1200), commute (£200), rent (c.£600 for one bed flat near work). I've not eaten or paid any bills and I'm broke already. (£1900ish take home pay).

I feel so sad as I'm no longer in love with my baby's father, I want to keep my exit civil and so I will offer to leave our home. I own half but I'm not sure how paying the mortgage would work. I guess we would both move out and rent it. Although that would just about pay the mortgage. So no profit there

I can't be the only person not to be able to move out. How did you deal with it?

Hi OP,

The highlighted sentence above worries me a bit - it isn't actually normal to remain "in love" forever. In most relationships, being "in love" gradually changes into simply loving your partner..if nothing has gone horribly wrong in your relationship, could it be that you are feeling depressed and unhappy and blaming this on your relationship? I know I did this many years ago, was convinced it was the relationship that was the problem but actually I was suffering from depression. If your child is still very young, hormonal factors may be playing a part here too.

My marriage ended when my children were small and although I am confident that this was the only option, it is a very hard row to hoe and it undoubtedly has an enormous impact on your child to live separately from one parent. I'm sure nobody does this lightly but please make haste slowly.

In your position I'd be thinking about myself, my feelings and my mental/emotional state first before starting to plan an exit from the relationship. When you are certain that you must end the relationship, start planning for the future.

Best wishes
MsB

FBaby

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Why are you assuming the child would come with you? Just curious that alot of the time this is 'pre'decided'

It is often pre-decided because it's been pre-considered and such assumption has been reached when the person ending the relationship is the one providing the main caring duties.

There are occasional posts from mothers who ask for advice with moving out from the family home intending for the children to stay with the fathers, so it's not a 100% biaised, but it remains that the mother IS the main carer in most cases, even when both parents work full-time.

Poppie68

OP you mention the rent for a 1 bedroom flat, is that what you are looking at? Your child will need their own room, a place were they can have their familiar things around them which will help them with the transition,to feel more secure if they have been removed from a home and taken away from their father/mother. Staying in the family home is the best choice for your child but it shouldn't mean the mother /father who is'nt going to be the main carer should be thrown out onto the streets as it is joint property and by continuing ownership could impeed their chances of obtaining another mortgage if needed.

StuC75

So why should the OP's partner be automatically expected to leave a home that they bought together? There is no apparent reason why they should be made to leave as a result of a relationship 'breakdown'.

The Op says its a relationship & not a marriage breakdown so the terms can be quite different. The op doesn't feel threatened there, but is more likely overwhelmed in the current position and feelings.

The OP also needs to remember that if they leave they would also be responsible for maintaining towards mortgage payments..

The best outcome for the OP would be to find someone in real life to talk to, maybe the partner to discuss these feelings to understand what can be done and if the relationship is retrievable.. rather than walking away on a whim. How would this thread be if was the case of the man not being 'in love' ...

Maybe try to substantiate a little more of why they feel that's the only way to go, the post was centred more on what they want to do, not why they want to do that..

dorothyjeffery wrote: »

because there is a child involved, a court would most likely say that YOU stay in the house. you are entitled to stay in the house until your child finishes full time education. and being on your own means that you may also get some tax credits, which helps towards child care too. think about working part time?? you may also get some help with your rent and council tax. (if you do move out and rent a place).

i think you maybe need to see someone to advise you on what your rights are.

newcook

are you sure your figures are correct? I earn half of what you do and take home £1200 after tax - therefore you should take home £2400.

Confusedandneedhelp

newcook wrote: »

are you sure your figures are correct? I earn half of what you do and take home £1200 after tax - therefore you should take home £2400.

Its a good point, its closer to £2,200 (student loan maybe abit lower), but yes should be more than £1,800

lika_86

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Its a good point, its closer to £2,200 (student loan maybe abit lower), but yes should be more than £1,800

I thought this initially but then wondered whether the OP contributes to a pension or other benefits that would reduce her take home pay.

lulu_92

lika_86 wrote: »

I thought this initially but then wondered whether the OP contributes to a pension or other benefits that would reduce her take home pay.

I earn £10k a year less than her and take home £1440 after tax, student loan and pension.

BitterAndTwisted

If the OP is earning £36k per annum their take-home pay would be £2,286.23 a month. If she actually takes home only £1900.00 that's a whole lot of pension contributions or other deductions.

Still, there's a circle to be squared here, and the OP's partner (if a parent of their child) would be expected to contribute a percentage of their salary towards supporting their child. Plus child benefit so that's another £20 a week.

Running two households is always more expensive that running just the one, and both partners should expect to be worse off than they are now.

If there's no hope of fixing what's broke the jointly-owned property should be sold to enable both parties a fresh start and to make a clean break once and for all. None of this letting their property and remaining tied together indefinitely nonsense. Why prolong the agony?

StuC75

Spot on... So many seem to believe its beneath the PWC to be left having to rent or start again. cleanest option is to sell up or complete a transfer of equity.. But that instead one party should be left facing ruin because of a change of Heart.

Op needs to look into what kind of equity and costs there would be in selling up and how they would feel starting from fresh, all because of a feeling 'of not in love'.

Afterall lets face facts the OH could be oblivious to all not being right (i've been there as that person thinking all was good)..

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If the OP is earning £36k per annum their take-home pay would be £2,286.23 a month. If she actually takes home only £1900.00 that's a whole lot of pension contributions or other deductions.

Still, there's a circle to be squared here, and the OP's partner (if a parent of their child) would be expected to contribute a percentage of their salary towards supporting their child. Plus child benefit so that's another £20 a week.

Running two households is always more expensive that running just the one, and both partners should expect to be worse off than they are now.

If there's no hope of fixing what's broke the jointly-owned property should be sold to enable both parties a fresh start and to make a clean break once and for all. None of this letting their property and remaining tied together indefinitely nonsense. Why prolong the agony?