Family excludes me - again.

Pthree

I am also the single sister who lives far away and while I do get asked to stuff, my family couldn't organise a !!!! up in brewery and everything is always last minute, then my Mother gets narky because I cant get time off work at the drop of a hat.

Then again they never actually seem to do anything when I am there even though it is normally planned weeks in advance! Stuff always happened the weekend before or after!

McKneff

A number of years ago I missed the funeral of a favourite aunt, I lived away, about 100 miles.
I didn't find out for weeks, when someone said to me that they were put out because I ;couldn't be bothered to turn up'
Everyone had presumed that someone else had informed me of her death and the funeral arrangements.


You can imagine how I felt.....

Saturnalia

Person_one wrote: »

Nothing will ever change if you don't gently challenge your family when they do this and explain that you are hurt by it.

I think the distance probably plays a part, as including you takes more time and effort, but they should know that the message they are sending is that you aren't really worth that time and effort to them!

I've tried on several occasions. The same script plays out.
I say I would have liked to have been asked.
Parent says but you're down in London.
I say that had I been told something was happening, I could have travelled to theirs.
Parent says they didn't think I'd be able to get time off/get tickets/afford it.
I say I would have liked to have been the one to decide that and could they not make decisions for me in future.
Parent appears to agree.

Then comes the next family do, I'm left out again.

Person_one wrote: »

I remembered it as soon as I saw the thread title! Has the holiday happened yet?
...
Who is the key organiser in the family? Who is the person who could influence this the most? Is it your mum or your sister?

The holiday is in a few months' time and we're all looking forward to it! :j

Thing is, after all the upset that caused, the fuss I made about going and the way they bent over backwards to get me on the booking, I really thought we'd turned a corner. More fool me.

McKneff wrote: »

A number of years ago I missed the funeral of a favourite aunt, I lived away, about 100 miles.
I didn't find out for weeks, when someone said to me that they were put out because I ;couldn't be bothered to turn up'
Everyone had presumed that someone else had informed me of her death and the funeral arrangements.


You can imagine how I felt.....

That's so awful McKneff. Nobody realised you hadn't been told?

Person_one

Saturnalia wrote: »

I've tried on several occasions. The same script plays out.
I say I would have liked to have been asked.
Parent says but you're down in London.
I say that had I been told something was happening, I could have travelled to theirs.
Parent says they didn't think I'd be able to get time off/get tickets/afford it.
I say I would have liked to have been the one to decide that and could they not make decisions for me in future.
Parent appears to agree.

Then comes the next family do, I'm left out again.

That conversation covers the practicalities but not the way you feel about it, which might hit home a bit more.

Have you tried:

"Mum, it upsets me when you don't invite me to these things. It feels as though I don't really matter that much to you or that I'm a bit of an afterthought.

I know that's not what you intend and that you do care about me really, but I feel hurt and a bit rejected when family stuff happens and nobody seems to want me there. Can you please try to remember that in future? It would really mean a lot to me."

maman

We live 30+miles away from DH's family and so rarely get included in anything but the most long term arrangements (like weddings). Others are often getting together for odd BBQs or just calling in. It's the price we pay for flitting the nest.


I think that's commonplace but what matters is that it bothers you. All you can do is just keep telling your parents and your sister that you want to be invited to everything regardless of whether you're in London.

Ziggazee

Doesn't sound to me like anybody's deliberately leaving you out or pandering to your sister. Your parents clearly (for whatever reason) think that you living so far away will make it difficult for you to attend or that you wouldn't be able to get time off, etc. Yes, they could have checked with you but not everyone's life revolves around you.

Stop arguing and acting petty......life's too short to make big issues out of such little things. Sorry to be harsh.

helphelphelphelp

I never get invited to family events either. My dad has remarried following my mother's death and despite being the only surviving child, the only real contact I have with my dad is to arrange him seeing my children. It used to upset and hurt me, but I have now come to accept thats just the way it is. Rather than cause arguments and stress in my life by challenging him, I have accepted that I wont be involved and to make my life around this. Much easier and much less stressful.

CRANKY40

My sister is more sociable than me and gets on better with most of our family than I do. She gets invited to weddings, hen nights etc and I don't. She lives in a different country, so the only time I get miffed is if she is over here for some family thing and doesn't spend an hour or so with me. I'll collect her from the airport or drop her back there if that is the only time she has.

I do see her usually at least once a year for a couple of days so I'm not bothered at being left out of the other stuff. My family are terrible timekeepers, some of them smoke and need a cup of tea hourly and so on, so as long as I get a few days with my sister here and there I'm not bothered what else I'm left out of.

If trying to make your mum and dad understand has failed, could it be time for a heart to heart with your sister?

BrassicWoman

Person_one wrote: »

I think a lot of people make the strange assumption that single adults are all living wild carefree sex and the city style lives and aren't bothered about family stuff.

And I am! Fair assumption

victory

Saturnalia wrote: »

Very true - remember my Florida thread!

I remember your florida thread:D I remember how upset you were , how much hard work it was to get them to understand that you wanted to go, they eventually sorted it all out, it got booked and you are now going... so now it is time to never let that happen again and say quite clearly....

1. Please let me know asap about x, y ,z because I want to be involved.

2. The distance I live away and the logistics is down to me to sort out.

3. Time of work, cost of trip, time of event, let me worry about that, you just let me know what and when is happening and the rest I will take care of.

4. I love you all, would like to see you all, miss you all and want to be told about what is going on.

5. Mum send me down/email me/text me the upcoming events so I know them and can make my own mind up if I can attend, that way I do not feel left out and know about the upcoming family gatherings.

6. Mum/sis/dad etc how would you feel if you lived away from us/them and were never told about family meets, can you not see/understand that it is sad/hurtful to feel not included.

Can't make it clearer than that:D