Family excludes me - again.

Saturnalia

Same stuff different day with my family!

It was my uncle's 50th last week. He had said all along he didn't want a party, didn't want a fuss, etc. Then last weekend (12th) he & my aunt bumped into my parents and he changed his mind and said a meal out would be nice.

My sister & her family were going away for the weekend of 19th-20th so the do was arranged for 26th July. However, the next day when my parents and sister were talking, they realised my parents had got the dates wrong and their trip was on the weekend of 26th July. So the day after, a couple of calls and the do was rearranged for 19th.

My mum called me on 14th and told me the meal was happening on 19th and said she supposed it would be too short notice for me to get there, and to be fair, it was really.

But I only found out today that the date of the party had been changed twice to accommodate my sister! If it had been on 26th I could have made it there. But obviously they weren't willing to have the party without her, but fine with having it without me.

I'm not even sure if I was invited or not anyway - my mum told me the do was happening and she considers that as inviting me, but I'd have expected my uncle to ask me to come if he'd wanted me there. (Moot point anyway since it was arranged for a weekend I couldn't go.)

And fair dos that they had it this weekend because that's the Saturday closest to my uncle's birthday. But they were willing to switch dates - TWICE - to fit my sister in.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt by this or would you feel snubbed too? (Bear in mind it's far from the first time I've been left out of family events, with the decision that it is too far for me to travel being made for me.)

Yes, I know, it's been and gone and nothing can be changed now, nothing can be said without hurting feelings, nothing to do but feel a bit miffed for a day or two then get over it. I'm just having a vent.

Person_one

Nothing will ever change if you don't gently challenge your family when they do this and explain that you are hurt by it.

I think the distance probably plays a part, as including you takes more time and effort, but they should know that the message they are sending is that you aren't really worth that time and effort to them!

sulphate

Changed twice? I thought it was originally scheduled for the 26th then your family realised your sister couldn't make it so it was rescheduled for the 19th. So rescheduled once.

I understand that you're upset but maybe your uncle wanted the meal to be at least vaguely close to his birthday and 2 weeks later would have been too late for him? (Or he couldn't do that weekend?)

Hermia

If this keeps happening you need to speak out even if it means ruffling feathers. Otherwise it will continue to happen. Are you single and/or childless? It's just that I noticed that in a lot of families people will go out of their way to accomodate those with a family whilst the singletons are expected to just fit in.

Beckyy

If your Mum arranged it I wouldn't be offended if you hadn't heard from your uncle about it as chances are he hadn't even thought of inviting people if he wasn't arranging.


I would give him a call, tell him your Mum changed the date and didn't let you know so you couldn't make it, but you hope he had a lovely day and you'll go out somewhere with him when you next visit?


Could it be a case of assumptions that you can't travel for it and 'trying to make life easier for you' on your mums behalf?


I would make it clear to her that you were quite hurt that she was willing to chance the arrangements for your sister but not yourself, and let her know that you are happy to travel with notice but would expect them to accommodate you just as much as they would your sister. If you don't let her know then it may well just happen again.


:grouphug:

Person_one

Hermia wrote: »

If this keeps happening you need to speak out even if it means ruffling feathers. Otherwise it will continue to happen. Are you single and/or childless? It's just that I noticed that in a lot of families people will go out of their way to accomodate those with a family whilst the singletons are expected to just fit in.

I think a lot of people make the strange assumption that single adults are all living wild carefree sex and the city style lives and aren't bothered about family stuff.

Saturnalia

Including me takes a phone call or an email from them. The work is on my side - arranging travel, paying for it and taking the journey - but it's an effort I don't think twice about for family.

Fair enough my uncle wanted his birthday do near his birthday, but he was willing to pander to my sister twice and no-one even considered me.

Saturnalia

Person_one wrote: »

I think a lot of people make the strange assumption that single adults are all living wild carefree sex and the city style lives and aren't bothered about family stuff.

Very true - remember my Florida thread!

houseimprover

Saturnalia wrote: »

Including me takes a phone call or an email from them. The work is on my side - arranging travel, paying for it and taking the journey - but it's an effort I don't think twice about for family.

Fair enough my uncle wanted his birthday do near his birthday, but he was willing to pander to my sister twice and no-one even considered me.

Stop moping and talk to them, you're only going to stew yourself into a grump

Person_one

Saturnalia wrote: »

Very true - remember my Florida thread!

I remembered it as soon as I saw the thread title! Has the holiday happened yet?

I'm also the single sister, but I'm lucky in that my close family who I care about would never dream of excluding me. I'd be just as hurt as you are if they did.

My more extended family? Well, sometimes I think they've forgotten I exist because I haven't added to the great-grandchild tally! :rotfl:

Who is the key organiser in the family? Who is the person who could influence this the most? Is it your mum or your sister?

HPoirot

I think it's more to do with you not being at hand right where it all happens rather than excluding you intentionally. Distance definitely plays a part in family relationships, I know my aunt always carps when my mum gets together with her other sisters - she lives quite a distance from the rest of them and has a demanding job - but that doesn't mean they love her less or are less prepared to share their lives with her, and of course more important family gatherings most definitely include her!