How to leave partner when you have commitments?

Snakey

It isn't fair on anybody if one person is only in the relationship because it's the easy option. That's no better for the boyfriend than it is for the OP. I can't imagine the current situation is making either of them happy - the relationship as a whole certainly doesn't seem to be bringing out the best in either of them.

OP, stop making excuses. People leave each other when they have kids, debts, decades of shared history, there have been posts on here where one party has threatened to kill themselves if the other one leaves... and you're playing the "but I can't leave him" card because you have a year to run on a fixed rate mortgage??

Here's what you do. Find out the legal and financial position in the various scenarios and in particular the worst-case scenarios (what if he won't leave, what if he stops paying the mortgage, what if he won't agree to sell). Check the penalty clause with the bank if you aren't sure. Then work out your finances and see which of the possible options you can afford - because you need to accept that in a negotiation you might not end up with your 100% preferred outcome. Make any preparations you need for a split - I don't mean steal money or anything but there's no harm in e.g. opening a current/savings account in your own name, looking for a flat, having a quiet clear-out of old clothes that you wouldn't want to take with you.

And then put on your big girl pants, have the conversation, and ask him what he wants to do (but be clear on the non-negotiables - don't accidentally imply that it's up to him whether the relationship is over, when really the only thing he has a say in is whether he stays in the house or leaves it for you).

You could have all this over and done with (bar the mechanics of the sale/transfer) by the end of the month without any difficulty. If it gets to August and you haven't done it, you need to ask yourself some questions.

justme111

As if all other people who split did not have common.commitments !
Hope you.don't get offended , your post seems as if written by .a 12 year old one. I would not do anything if I was able to think with the same lack of insight and clarity as whatever you do is unlikely to be sound decision

ska_lover

sacha28 wrote: »

Clearly this is a situation you have no understanding of. It is entirely possible to bimble through life in an awful relationship and not notice it until somebody comes along and treats you in a way that is respectful, attentive, kind and normal!

I had been with my ex for nearly 11 years when I met my current partner. I was unhappy and I kind of knew the way he was treating me wasn't right but it took many long conversations with my (now) OH that I hadn't dared had with anyone else before I woke up and realised the extent of the abuse going on. At the end of the day I had been with this man since I was 16, I was incredibly vulnerable and he preyed on that, I had nothing to compare this relationship to so had no idea what 'the norm' was.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't leave my ex for my OH, but he gave me the confidence to stand up for myself when the full extent of the abuse was realised. It wasn't a new relationship I needed, it was someone telling me that what was happening was in no way, shape or form how anybody in a relationship should be treated.

The reasons I stayed with my ex for 11 years are simple......I was young, vulnerable, had no idea that what was happening was wrong, I had NO confidence, NO self esteem, was almost totally reliant on this man as that's the way he orchestrated it to be. And yes, it took the words of a kind man to wake me up!!!!!

OP finances are not a reason for staying, there are ways around this. Now you have the realisation that things are not good with your current partner things will only get worse, resentment will kick in, you'll find it difficult to be civil on a daily basis, life will become almost unbearable.......because you now know, wholeheartedly, that you no longer want to be with this man.

You are quite right, I wasn't really understanding why it would take someone else to point out how bad a persons relationship is. I see from your experience that confidence seems a massive part of it

At the end of the day, abuse is wrong, and whatever the source for the 'wake up call'' so to speak, is a good thing to remove someone from an abusive relationship and onwards for a happier future

getmore4less

cattycatcat wrote: »

To sum up, I really want to leave my partner, but feel tied to him financially (and socially).

In fuller detail: I am in my early thirties and for just over 2 years I have had a mortgage with him on a 3 year fix. I want to break up with him but it just seems like a very difficult thing to do for this reason.

I feel awful, but I have met someone else at work. It's not that I feel strongly for this new person yet, it's just that theyve made me realise a lot...mainly that Im not happy now. In my current relationship, I feel suppressed. My partner is often in a bad mood, and shouts at me and lists all my faults to make me cry even when its not my fault (e.g. someone has annoyed him at work). He often shhh's me and stops me doing things I want to do. Also, he cheated on me for the first years of our relationship, and he refuses to allow me to mention it so I cant talk through it. So now Ive met this new person, its weird because the stuff he seems to be into about me is the real me, not the stuff he wants me to appear, like with my current man.

So Im worried about ending it. Can he be difficult and not allow house sale?

Its not all bad, and I do love him, but I know that Im not happy and if I stay Im going to end up commiting to a life to make someone else happy but not myself.

Financial in what way, years are irrelevant.


What's you capital investment here.