How to leave partner when you have commitments?

cattycatcat

To sum up, I really want to leave my partner, but feel tied to him financially (and socially).

In fuller detail: I am in my early thirties and for just over 2 years I have had a mortgage with him on a 3 year fix. I want to break up with him but it just seems like a very difficult thing to do for this reason.

I feel awful, but I have met someone else at work. It's not that I feel strongly for this new person yet, it's just that theyve made me realise a lot...mainly that Im not happy now. In my current relationship, I feel suppressed. My partner is often in a bad mood, and shouts at me and lists all my faults to make me cry even when its not my fault (e.g. someone has annoyed him at work). He often shhh's me and stops me doing things I want to do. Also, he cheated on me for the first years of our relationship, and he refuses to allow me to mention it so I cant talk through it. So now Ive met this new person, its weird because the stuff he seems to be into about me is the real me, not the stuff he wants me to appear, like with my current man.

So Im worried about ending it. Can he be difficult and not allow house sale?

Its not all bad, and I do love him, but I know that Im not happy and if I stay Im going to end up commiting to a life to make someone else happy but not myself.

building_with_lego

I don't have any practical advice but thank goodness you've decided to leave this man.

Good luck, stay strong, and there is a wealth of advice and experience on this board so I'm certain someone can help.

lika_86

cattycatcat wrote: »

To sum up, I really want to leave my partner, but feel tied to him financially (and socially).

In fuller detail: I am in my early thirties and for just over 2 years I have had a mortgage with him on a 3 year fix. I want to break up with him but it just seems like a very difficult thing to do for this reason.

I feel awful, but I have met someone else at work. It's not that I feel strongly for this new person yet, it's just that theyve made me realise a lot...mainly that Im not happy now. In my current relationship, I feel suppressed. My partner is often in a bad mood, and shouts at me and lists all my faults to make me cry even when its not my fault (e.g. someone has annoyed him at work). He often shhh's me and stops me doing things I want to do. Also, he cheated on me for the first years of our relationship, and he refuses to allow me to mention it so I cant talk through it. So now Ive met this new person, its weird because the stuff he seems to be into about me is the real me, not the stuff he wants me to appear, like with my current man.

So Im worried about ending it. Can he be difficult and not allow house sale?

Its not all bad, and I do love him, but I know that Im not happy and if I stay Im going to end up commiting to a life to make someone else happy but not myself.

When you say you're on a 3 year fix on your mortgage, do you mean that your interest rate is fixed for three years or that you have an early redemption charge if you redeem within 3 years?

Most mortgages will have an 'early redemption charge' which means that if you redeem the mortgage (ie. sell and settle the mortgage) then you will have to pay a fee to the lender, your mortgage terms and conditions will tell you how much (if anything).

My friend was in a similar situation as she split with her other half only a year after buying the house and as there was little equity in the house and they couldn't afford the early redemption fee, they ended up unable to sell the house for another two years or so.

If you're both joint owners then you will both need to agree to the sale.

Your partner sounds quite controlling. Is there a risk that if you say you want to leave that he will try and prevent it? If so, you need to quietly sort out the things that you need. Do you have savings of your own that will enable you to rent somewhere else? If not, start putting money aside now.

Confusedandneedhelp

I know I say this a lot but if u love him and u sound like u do, does it not warrent trying therapy to solve these problems?

Peter333

If you have no children together; you have no ties. Get out of this emotionally abusive relationship: no matter WHAT the financial implications.

Have to say though; with the APPALLING way he treats you (including cheating,) why do you 'love him?'

tinkerbell28

Not being funny, one side of the story here. You'll often find people who have met someone else, start re-writing history. To "excuse" their feelings.

As well as re-writing history, bring up tit for tat they'd originally forgiven.

Ops decided they want out as they've met someone else, so anything else I'd be taking with a pinch of salt tbh.

How many times have you seen men go on and on about their evil wives, who nag, scream, yell at them, kissed the milkman, don't understand them, rinse their wallets, list their faults, etc.

So they absolutely have to justify their reasoning for, simply want to go off with someone else. That's all I see here tbh, before people vilify the bloke.

newcook

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I know I say this a lot but if u love him and u sound like u do, does it not warrent trying therapy to solve these problems?

seriously?!!!! the man is a bully, a cheat and not a very nice man from the sounds of it! sure, she probably does love him but she is obviously not in love with him and has already said that if she does stay with him she would be unhappy.

OP, if you do leave him make sure its for you and not just because this other man has shown you a bit of attention.

roobee13

Hi OP,

This time 2.5 years ago I was in exactly the same situation. Mortgaged with partner, but thankfully not married and no children.

If you want to leave you do not need to justify it to anyone. I can see you are worried about the mortgage tie, but there are options. Selling is the easiest option, especially with house prices going the way they are. You or him can buy the other party out, or you can change to a BTL mortgage and rent it out. Please don't be disheartened just because of the mortgage!

Maybe try and have a rational discussion with him about the above options and explain how unhappy you are. If he refuses to listen then that's his fault. Have you got a friend or family member you can stay with?

I second the above post though, please don't rush into anything with this other guy, it sounds like you need to get your head straight first.

If you want a success story then here's mine. I am due to exchange on the sale of my house today, it's been a long time coming (it was rented out for a while) but there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am 10 x stronger mentally than 2.5 years ago. It can be done and life is too short to waste in an unhappy relationship!

Good luck OP, keep us posted on progress.

Morglin

cattycatcat wrote: »

To sum up, I really want to leave my partner, but feel tied to him financially (and socially).

In fuller detail: I am in my early thirties and for just over 2 years I have had a mortgage with him on a 3 year fix. I want to break up with him but it just seems like a very difficult thing to do for this reason.

I feel awful, but I have met someone else at work. It's not that I feel strongly for this new person yet, it's just that theyve made me realise a lot...mainly that Im not happy now. In my current relationship, I feel suppressed. My partner is often in a bad mood, and shouts at me and lists all my faults to make me cry even when its not my fault (e.g. someone has annoyed him at work). He often shhh's me and stops me doing things I want to do. Also, he cheated on me for the first years of our relationship, and he refuses to allow me to mention it so I cant talk through it. So now Ive met this new person, its weird because the stuff he seems to be into about me is the real me, not the stuff he wants me to appear, like with my current man.

So Im worried about ending it. Can he be difficult and not allow house sale?

Its not all bad, and I do love him, but I know that Im not happy and if I stay Im going to end up commiting to a life to make someone else happy but not myself.

If what you have posted is true, then leave. He is abusive.

Financial issues can always be solved, and personal happiness is more important.

Good luck.

Lin

warehouse

So you're cheating on him with another bloke at work yet he's the one with the issues?

Grow up would be my advice here.

Morglin

To be honest, if the OP is being truthful, I don't blame her for finding a better bloke than the one she is lumbered with!

He sounds a nightmare...:eek:

Lin