Coping with loneliness

BucksLady

I wonder if you might be depressed? I know that loneliness can lead to depression, but equally that depression can lead to loneliness. Hope that makes sense .

Counting_Pennies_2

good_advice wrote: »

Hiya, many would give a lot to live like you in the USA, in a home with over 6 bedrooms. I have looked at your other posts.

This is absolutely no help to the OP.


It reminds me of a doctor who told me I should be grateful that I could have children, thousands can't, when I presented myself with severe postnatal depression!


If you cannot empathise, I would suggest reading others replies and not posting a reply that will be of no use.

redcard

good_advice wrote: »

Hiya, many would give a lot to live like you in the USA, in a home with over 6 bedrooms. I have looked at your other posts.

Have you a cat or dog? they are always company.
Put the radio on and start crafting or tidying up.
I love being at home. Set daily tasks to keep busey.

Wow. That is the most ridiculous response I have ever read on MSE.

I think you should stop posting.

Counting_Pennies_2

BritAbroad wrote: »

I think I know why I'm lonely - I don't have many friends - really only one nearby with whom I can have a proper conversation. A couple have young kids and I can never see them without them, and they are constantly distracted by the kids when I do see them. Is there a way you could suggest a grown up night out, and the couple find a babysitter? Parents will normally be distracted by their children.


Another couple of folk I would have considered friends have done some very hurtful things, so I've learned to keep my distance. Definitely worth keeping at a safe distance, I have learnt some acquaintances are fair weather, and worth a light chat, but nothing heavy!

I do have pets, though not a dog. OH is scared of dogs. There are also practical reasons why we couldn't have a dog just now anyway. Do the pets you have give you some comfort?

I do volunteer, I've been volunteering at the same place for a couple of years. I do like it but haven't made any friends there, though the volunteers will all pass the time of day. Is there someone there who you might like to suggest catching the latest film release with, or going to the new coffee shop that has opened round the corner? Often people are so busy with life, that someone suggesting something fun to do is enough to develop closer friendships


Same with the gym. I did look for a meet up group but the only one near me was a mother and kids playgroup thing. Have you tried looking up to see if there is an adult education? Perhaps a place you can learn a skill, in a light environment? Is there an expat group nearby? When I was in Africa there was a group called the Hash Harriers, I am pretty sure that is world wide

There are days when I'll go out and wander round the shops, maybe even buy something just so I can chat with the cashier for a few seconds. Other times I can be in a busy place and feel so, so alone I want to cry. I think sometimes a busy place that seems full of life can enhance how lonely you can feel. Is there a local parade of shops, that you could go to regularly and build up acquaintances and pass the time of day with?

I've felt like this for a long time now, at least 9 months. It's getting worse though. TBH, every time I've tried to make new friends it hasn't happened and I've ended up feeling worse, so I'd prefer to get comfortable with the loneliness and then if I do manage to make some more friends in the future it becomes a bonus. I wonder if you might be trying too hard? Expecting too much of the situation or yourself. If you have struggled to build up friendships over a long time, there may be somethings you need to do differently in order to meet others. Have you tried reading books such as how to talk to absolutely anybody, or How to Win Friends and influence people

I do enjoy crafts and reading but lately I've been unable to concentrate to do either. I have a million and one things that need doing in the house but I've done almost everything that I can do single-handed and I don't have anyone who can help me with the heavy lifting for the bigger jobs (OH had an accident so is unable to help). Can you prioritise which are the biggest need, can you pay a handy man to come and help you do the heavy lifting?


I have to do all the housework at the moment and all the driving - I loathe housework at the best of times so it's getting me down! Can you focus on one room a day? Clean, tidy whatever is needed, and when that one room is done treat yourself for the rest of the day, make sure you have one lovely treat, a long sit in the garden, a purchase of something nice, a film with OH?

I have put in red some thoughts as I have read through your post.


Despite having a family, a husband with a good job, and a seemingly lovely life, I was consumed with loneliness, it often jumps up and bites me. Often this is when life is at its most demanding. Lots of things happening and not much support.


One thing to do is give yourself a break and tell yourself you are worthy. Try to learn to love yourself and your life and with that you will discover a lighter side to yourself and one that is likely to be more receptive to others.


Tell yourself you deserve a good life, treat yourself once a day to something nice. Painted nails, long bath, sit in the garden, a purchase of something nice, whatever it is tell yourself you are worth it.


Learn to breathe deep in to your tummy. For five minutes just sit there and breathe, think of nothing else, bring your mind back to the breath. It is amazing how much better you feel when you have had that rest, taken stock of your life, got that oxygen in your body.


You will get through this rut, try hard to be kind to yourself


hth

jaylee3

good_advice wrote: »

Hiya, many would give a lot to live like you in the USA, in a home with over 6 bedrooms. I have looked at your other posts.

Have you a cat or dog? they are always company.
Put the radio on and start crafting or tidying up.
I love being at home. Set daily tasks to keep busey.

Have to agree with the posters here who said that this advice is a bit ridiculous. As 'counting pennies' said, it's like saying to someone with PND that they should be grateful they have a child.

And saying 'many of us would give a lot to move to America,' no offence to any Americans reading, but I wouldn't live in America for all the tea in China. Nor do I need a house with more than six bedrooms. Just because you may like the idea of moving to the states, I wouldn't if you paid me.

As for the OP. I would try Adult Education, joining hobby groups, craft groups, reading and writing groups, cycling and walking groups etc... Or even see if there's anything local you can join.

Have to admit that I know of 3 different people (all women) who moved abroad, thinking it would be everything they ever dreamed of, and they are very lonely, and desperate to come back. Their husband's aren't though, and in one case, their 2 children were born in the country they moved to. 2 of the 3 women (and their husbands,) moved 5-10 years ago, and they have never been happy.

Sad really.

BritAbroad

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. It's reassuring to think I'm not alone.

Yes, I have a 6-bed house. That's because I live in an area where housing is bigger, and cheap. Our house cost virtually the same as our 3-bed did in the UK. Also, most of the houses in this area are 5, 6 or more bedrooms. That's just the norm for the area. And big houses bring their own problems.

I know a lot of folk think living in America must be amazing, but the reality is it's not. It's no better or worse than the UK, it's just different. The overall cost of living is the same, possibly slightly higher. You have to drive everywhere as there's no public transport near here. There's no real community in this area unless you're military and can therefore access their facilities (which we can't). The weather is decent though. We made enormous sacrifices to move here - the situation at the time was move or lose your job, so we chose the lesser of two evils. It was not a decision that was taken lightly.

I'd not heard of the Hash Harriers so I will check that out. I've also got on to the library and asked for the books someone suggested.

I would love to be working and have been looking for a job. The major employers in this area are military though so it's a tough job market for non-citizens. I think part of my problem is that I was always used to working, so not working and the social isolation that comes from that is hard to adjust to. Doesn't help that I feel certain people back in the UK disapprove of me because of it. I did look at going back into education, but it's horribly expensive (thousands) and it's not an option for now. Maybe in a couple of years it might be possible.

Funnily enough, I was in a shop today and came across some aromatherapy lotion called 'cheerful thoughts' - so I bought some. It certainly smells good and brightened my afternoon.

I'm going to try and plan to do three things every day - one house task, one fun thing at home, and one thing out of the house. We'll see how it goes.

FBaby

The problem is that you are at an age when either women are at work, or they are at home with children (or even more often doing both), so it might feel it is harder for you to fit in in any group.

I agree that looking for work is the way forward if you are entitled to do so. I do really think that whatever activities you decide to try should involve other people as much as possible as it is especially important to build friendships at you age. Don't give up, it is hard to make friends, but so rewarding.

good_advice

Good morning Brit abroad.
I do hope you are up and dressed.Bed made? It is so important not to sit in night clothes all day.
I use to say - I have to get dressed so the postman/ parcel man will not see me in my nightdress. They knock on my door several times a week with things.

Planning 3 things sounds good. That is what I tend to do. Wake up and decide how I am going to fill the hours.
I no longer work.

IronWolf

You ever been interested in online gaming? Is an easy way to meet and interact with people although not in a "real" way.

Counting_Pennies_2

BritAbroad wrote: »

I'd not heard of the Hash Harriers so I will check that out. I've also got on to the library and asked for the books someone suggested.

http://www.hhh.org.uk/rowwebs.cfm


Not sure where in America you are, but here is the website


The idea is for ex pats to get exercise then chat and meet up for refreshments afterwards. When I was in Africa, it was the only safe way of doing exercise in the outside. Normally muggings were on every corner, but the marshalling meant it was safe.


However, you don't need to be a runner. Depending on the country the running starts and finishes at the same pub so you just get there to chat if you don't want to run. Or walk with others round the course.


The main thing is to remember to be willing and open to meet others