Don't know what to do.

egoode

Why did he not see them for so long? Also why does his ex need to be there when he's seeing his daughters? I'd be pretty upset he's spending time with this ex. Do his daughters ever visit you and their half brother?

I'd be making it clear to him that you want him to have a relationship with his daughters but that means they need to become part of your family life and not kept separate, which it sounds like they are at the moment. It also means he doesn't need to see his daughters with his ex tagging along as well (only exception being school related events).

Fosterdog

Could it be his ex holding him over a barrel with his daughters? He can only see them at her place or can only take them out if she goes? Even if he doesn't jump to see them when they ask she threatens to stop contact again?

These are all things my OHs ex has done over the years and after months of not seeing his children he's desperate to do whatever it takes to see them while he can because she is likely to stop contact again at any time for no good reason.

Mojisola

Fosterdog wrote: »

Could it be his ex holding him over a barrel with his daughters? He can only see them at her place or can only take them out if she goes? Even if he doesn't jump to see them when they ask she threatens to stop contact again?

If that's the case, he should go to court so contact arrangements can be set out.

**Patty**

Mojisola wrote: »

If that's the case, he should go to court so contact arrangements can be set out.

He may already have one. Unfortunately, unless there is a penal notice attached (unlikely as the Ex is facilitating contact albeit with strings seemingly) and the OP's husband is willing to part with around another £5k......there's not much to be gained from going to court.


It would really help if the OP would come back & clarify a few things



Nothing changes on MSE does it? Strangely comforting.....:o

warehouse

Hatemyself wrote: »

Please help me, am I being insecure and stupid? Or ?

Not stupid, but you're definitely acting insecure IMO. He's not seen them for 2 years, (why is that BTW?), so seems to be making up for lost time. Let it happen and life will soon settle back to normal again.

FBaby

Are you both stuck in a cycle of defensiveness and looking for negative intention in everything the other says/does?

You give an example of how he said he couldn’t come to visit his son’s school but was happy to go to his daughter’s. Is it as black and white than this? There is a difference between you asking him to visit your son’s school when it happens to be a day when he can’t take the time of work to go and there are other days it can be visited and his daughter’s school visit to be on one day only at a time he can make? Using the two extreme situations only to illustrate as actions (or lack of) can be interpreted with intentions when they are only dependent on limitations.

Also, why didn’t have contact with his daughter’s for two years? The background behind the separation/getting on with you, not seeing daughters, then wanting to build a relationship with them is going to be essential to deciding who is reasonable or not. Again, big difference if say on one extreme hand you had an affair with him, he left wife for you, mother of children said not allowed contact if you are present, you put pressure on partner to say that he should refuse this, contact was stopped, and say on the other hand of the sprectum, previous partner had affair and left your partner, you met years later, she moved 500 miles away and refused to help with travel for visits, partner lost job, couldn’t afford to travel up, you did everything to help but daughters then decided they didn’t want to see dad until they suddenly moved back locally and now wanting to make up for the time.

Whatever it is, if you want to save your relationship, you’re going to have to agree to both focussing on listening to each other rather than focussing on being heard.

Why such a chosen forum name?

purpleshoes_2

I dont know why you hate yourself and your username is really sad. Sad that you feel that way about yourself.

rach_k

I'd give him a bit longer before doing anything or even saying much. Imagine if you didn't see your son, for whatever reason, for 2 years. Wouldn't you want to spend every possible moment with him for quite a while after you made contact again, even if that meant having less time to spend with your other loved ones? Of course it wouldn't be nice for your loved ones but you would probably hope they would understand and give you the time you needed.

I'm sure it feels personal, like he doesn't want to see you and your son, but it's not really about you, it's about OH and his daughters. I would be making suggestions like you could all go somewhere together - maybe have the girls over for the weekend/afternoon, go for a picnic or something as a family and I would certainly tell OH if his son was upset about something but I wouldn't put anything about me into the discussion for a while longer yet, maybe another 6 months.

Fosterdog

Mojisola wrote: »

If that's the case, he should go to court so contact arrangements can be set out.

It's not that simple, my OH has had numerous court orders for contact but his ex still allows and stops contact as she pleases. It has cost us £15,000 over the last five years repeatedly taking her to court. It has got to the stage that even if she stops all contact again we cannot afford to do it again, which makes him look bad but it has crippled us financially with still no good outcome.

She still gets away with flouting every order thrown at her, they were supposed to be bringing in some form of punishment to stop it happening but I'm yet to see it happen. If my OH got the chance to see his kids again regularly he would jump through whatever hoops she wants

Mojisola

Fosterdog wrote: »

It's not that simple, my OH has had numerous court orders for contact but his ex still allows and stops contact as she pleases. It has cost us £15,000 over the last five years repeatedly taking her to court. It has got to the stage that even if she stops all contact again we cannot afford to do it again, which makes him look bad but it has crippled us financially with still no good outcome.

She still gets away with flouting every order thrown at her, they were supposed to be bringing in some form of punishment to stop it happening but I'm yet to see it happen. If my OH got the chance to see his kids again regularly he would jump through whatever hoops she wants

That's awful. It's so sad for the separated parent when the other one behaves like this. It shows they don't really have the children's best interests at heart.