Coping With Cancer

UKTigerlily

Couldn't read and run. I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your family and FIL, Cancer is an awful thing for everyone involved. I have had seven relatives with it and lost my Stepgran in April last year aged 85 and my Nan in January this year aged 92 and it is hard to see them go through it. The only thing I can say is with my Nan, by the time she started to 'suffer' she wasn't aware anymore and I think my Stepgran was the same. Neither were aware at that point and though it is still a really hard thing to see, at least hopefully if it comes to it he won't know or realise iyswim. If you need to talk feel free to PM me anytime x

Ewer123

All I can say it don't let the cancer define him as a person, it is all to easy just to talk about cancer/treatments etc.

I know this used to send my mum ( died of cancer in January) crazy, she also liked to help me with my issues, just get on as normal.

There is a lot of emotive language with cancer

i.e beating it

I find this quite distressing/annoying l anyone who doesn't 'beat it' didn't try enough so maybe avoiding this language would help?

just my two pence worth.

DUKE

You did the right thing going for counselling Mrs Optimist, it will really help. Of course right now you're on a real roller coaster ride, but you will wake up one day & feel OK again I promise. I kick & scream every 3 months when I'm checked, but once that's out the way I feel calmer until the op .... Then after the op I'm the happiest person in the world, then it's the results .... The lows make the highs so much sweeter. Your FIL sounds like a great bloke & he's got some good people around him xxx

Crispy_Ambulance

I understand how someone close to you being diagnosed with cancer makes you worry for your own health - I have been exactly the same. My Dad died of mesothelioma (lung cancer caused by asbestos) nearly 4 years ago and for months, he was told he had a trapped nerve. An earlier diagnosis probably wouldn't have made any difference but it does worry me that the GP didn't look any further once he'd made a decision.

Anyway - it is tough on the whole family and you all have my sympathies. We found the local Hospice at Home service invaluable, especially at the end as they enabled my Dad to die at home and gave my Mum the most wonderful support.

He had a lot of breathing problems as the cancer advanced and Macmillan do a very good leaflet on managing breathing difficulties which he found very helpful.

Best wishes to you all

[Deleted User]

Just to let you know I have sent you a pm.

margaretclare

I've read through this thread and I'm so sorry.

I agree with Grandad - don't keep asking 'how he is'. DH isn't dying of cancer but he's had some serious health problems and the last thing he wants is people coming up to him in the sanctimonious way that some people have and his response is usually 'Never felt better in my life!'

Isn't it amazing, some people know no one at all who hasn't had cancer and/or died from it. Others say it's dementia. In my family hardly a one hasn't died from some form of heart disease. I almost died from it myself but luckily, am still here 25 years later.

I can't suggest what to do, except just 'be there'. Life is too damned short, whatever we die of. There is always going to be a sense of 'could I/should I have' done things differently. There may be things the sufferer wants to do before it's too later. Maybe help him/her to do those things, assuming they're still possible?

Gigervamp

I've noticed a few people saying not to ask how the cancer sufferer is, but as a cancer sufferer myself, if I haven't seen anyone for a while and they DON'T ask me how I am, I feel as though they're not interested/don't care.
After all, when you meet up with someone in everyday life that you haven't seen for a while, you always ask how they are, so why change if the person has cancer? It's like you're pretending that it doesn't exist.

A couple of things that have annoyed me a bit, is always being asked (usually by elderly relatives, so forgetfulness might be a factor) what medication I'm on now. At the moment, my cancer is stable so the only medication I take is paracetamol when I get pain and laxatives cos the radiotherapy has mucked up my bowels.
The other thing that annoyed me, is an aunt saying that they're "sharing the journey" with me. No, they're not, they're just bystanders. I can't give them my kidney stent and say "here, you have this for a week so I can pee without pain" etc.

Anyway, Mrs Optimist, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My own dear FIL died of pancreatic cancer 3 years ago, so I do know how hopeless you feel, but you've had excellent advice from others and I'm glad you're going to be having counselling.

I wish you and your family strength and peace. x

Mrs_Optimist

Thank you everyone for your support - it means more than you know.


FIL has taken grandchildren out for dinner - he is 100% better than when I last saw him, physically & mentally.


2nd bout of chemo next week followed by scan to see if further chemo is worthwhile. On tenderhooks, but the plus point is that he is much better today than last week. A rollercoaster is an understatement. I have a much greater understanding of cancer sufferers (I hate the word "victim") and their relatives, as everyone goes through the emotional rollercoaster.

hazyjo

If it helps, I think I'm dying of everything. I constantly think I have cancer (in probably around 8 different places), I think I have blood clots, am about to have a heart attack or stroke, that I've got MS, ME, fibro-wotsit, diabetes, erm... just about anything I can think of (or read about), I have it.

It has got worse over the years, but I've always been a bit like that. Not a total hyprocondriac though as HATE the doctors and won't go unless I really am feeling like I'm on my deathbed. Scares me silly - quite possibly cos I worry they'll tell me one of my fears is actually correct.

I am SURE a lot of it is because I've known a lot of people die (especially to cancer).

Oh, and my OCD has got FAR worse over the years.

I worry about getting older cos I come closer to dying from something - and losing more people I love to various things.

I suspect your fear and reaction is probably a natural one. Not saying it'll go, so try to manage it before it all gets as bad as my worries! I have a constant underlying fear of it all - yet would LOVE to start a website where people could say what sort of funeral, etc they wanted! Not a morbid thing with feathers, Godly pictures and clouds and poems all over it (with soft music playing in the background), but a kinda fun facebook type thing. I've made it very clear about my funeral - picked songs out years ago lol. It helps.

Jx

DUKE

It sound like your FIL is doing well on his chemo Mrs Optimist. Some people swear that it never effects them, whilst others only ever get out of bed when their next dose of chemo's due. I felt absolutely wonderful for the first 3 days, I'd sing & dance & I wanted to stay up all night .... But that was the steroids, the coming down from that high was like nothing on earth!