Coping With Cancer

hazyjo

So sorry to hear about what you're going through. Sorry, this may go on a bit. Not trying to make it all about me(!) but I want you to see the 'later' to what you're going through. You are absolutely doing the right thing by seeing a doctor about anxiety. Take any advice they give you. Or pills! I wish to God I'd taken antidepressants. Not right for everyone, and in no way saying get them, but you have to recognise what's normal, what you're able to cope with and what you need help with.

There was a time when I thought everyone died of cancer. I have been EXTREMELY unlucky with it (not personally, but have lost loads to it).

My dad died from it a couple of years ago (bowel, then liver, then lungs, then brain - each one being cured or managed until finally the one in the brain got him - the lung cancer was actually manageable at that point and he'd have gone on for years probably). It all went on for six years. He never really should've survived the first one (bowel) as he was on hols in Kenya and it basically ruptured - he had pneumonia, pleurisy, septicemia and peritonitis). Was completely out of the blue. Knocked us all for six.

My FIL also died of lung cancer the year before my dad died. My husband at that time went to pieces and every time we went somewhere to relax like a holiday, it'd all spill out again. We split up and got divorced (I definitely went a bit mental if truth be told - the stress of divorce certainly added to it). Looking back, a lot of it was due to unbearable stress and weight on my/our shoulders. There were lots of other things going on too. People died, my cat died, someone attempted suicide... I honestly had a list of things I was worrying about cos I forgot even the major ones!

Day to day life keeps you going. When you stop you crumble.

Also seen my cousin (in his 30s) die of it leaving a young family (around 15 years ago). Then his dad (my uncle) the following year of the same cancer.

My uncle probably has it (waiting for results).

All four of my grandparents died of it.

My best mate's mum died (at 49).

Another close friend's mum and dad. Another close friend's dad (he was barely 40). Several friends of my parents (at least two currently have it).

My BIL's best mate (who we knew well - my sis had actually dated him before BIL! Only 40s - again, young kids).

Two young women (30s) at work battled it (beat it).

Had a scare with a couple of close friends - one a brain tumour, the other a pancreatic tumour (this year - it was nigh impossible visiting her in hospital with two of her kids still in the room and her mum over from France there). (Thankfully both friends' tumours turned out to be benign.)

TBH, I can only think of a handful of people I've lost NOT due to cancer!

I should be an expert. I should be hard to it. I'm not. I bawled my eyes out for no reason the night before last. I suppose I'd be the same however my dad had died. Sitting here now with tears in my eyes.

I take comfort in being open about it. When my dad first got ill, my mum referred to it as 'the C word'. I was having none of that. I said it makes it sound worse and that MANY people go on to beat it. It's not the death sentence it was (says her who's lost so many!). I try to come to terms with cancer as one in three of us will get it apparently!!! I try to know the cold hard facts rather than bury my head in the sand.

Is it actually 'cancer' you're scared/worried about or the fact he's dying?

I wish I could wave a magic wand. I hate to think of anyone else going through it. I know exactly what you mean - we had that anxiety for 6 years with my dad (alongside other worries like a hernia he had which needed 'packing out' daily for just over a year - was like someone had got an iron and held it on his stomach til it went down an inch or so, plus there were severe after-effects of chemo, major surgery recoveries, a suspected heart attack, and then the horror of what the brain tumour did) and around 5 months with my FIL.

It has changed me. Forever unfortunately. I feel bitter. Upset. Angry. Cheated. I get emotional at stupid things. And everyone and anyone pees me off very quickly now. I have no remorse in saying I actually HATE my line manager. I don't think I took the pee. I was in work knowing my dad was dying. He died that night (a Thurs). I took two weeks off. It wasn't enough for me. And my bi*ch of a line manager told me to take a week of that as holiday. Two years on and I wish all sorts on her. She's a vile woman (not just that incident - there have been MANY to others too). I'm far less forgiving. Until someone goes through it, they haven't a bloody clue how it feels. People should have more sympathy and understanding. There is nothing worse than knowing someone is terminally ill. Part of you wants it to be quick, part of you is grateful to get that final goodbye, and part of you wants them there forever even if they are in pain/discomfort. Try not to think that it's better the longer you have them. The night before my dad died, I prayed to the 'angels' to take my dad (I don't pray! I hate religion, prayers, etc). I wish he'd had a heart attack than fought cancer to the very last second.

I should have seen the doctor - but I knew I'd be signed off. I couldn't have coped with that. Would rather go in than take the utter sh** from my line manager. I crumbled in other ways. I lost my marriage. I was broken but didn't ask for help. I just kept going. I did some wild stupid things (usually involving alcohol) and even self harmed (yes, I know, I know).

If you can take support now, or as/when you need it - DO. I am a calm, level headed person generally. I like to think I give relatively good advice. Yet I was walking the streets after arguments, stayed in a hotel 10 mins from my house once just to get away, moved in with someone else way too quickly (although he's turned out to be my rock in the last year), went back up to London once, got drunk, got a train back again, was sick on a train, lost my suitcase, in fact lost a lot of things during that time, but failed to recognise the grief that was within me (still is). Blamed just about every other circumstance. Do believe I had a breakdown.

Anyway, I'm babbling on far too much. I wish I could say something to make it easier. My only advice is try very hard to collapse if you need to. You and your husband will be trying to put on a brave face (even to each other). Things will irritate you. If the thought of cooking dinner feels like climbing a mountain, would it really break the bank to get a takeaway? Be indulgent if you can. Even if that means taking a weekend away or a holiday. Expect to get upset when you are away from it all. I am desperate for a holiday. Not been away since losing my dad (apart from this country). Booked up for Feb and already expect I'll be in tears a few times. I just need to be able to discard everything here for a while.

Everyone will say 'how is HE doing'. All you'll want is 'how are YOU doing?' (not in a Joey from Friends way lol!). But if anyone says it, you'll probably lose it like me lol! Stay strong and keep your seatbelts done up tightly as it WILL be a bumpy ride. Lots of support needed. (Friends and loved ones.)

Hugs.

Jx

growler834

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

It is worse in some ways as he is only mid 60's, always been strong independent, lives alone (his choice) and not used to anyone fussing over him. he has Sons but I am the only Daughter-In-Law so I take over the "daughter" role.


Our children are 13 & 16 and know the situation but not the timescales. I don't know how I can possibly prepare them for the end.


I am having genuine heart palpitations just stressing about it all.

I'm really sorry at what you, your FIL and your family are going through. Can I say that, as a cancer patient (in remission) and as someone who lost her mum to cancer last month, I can see the situation from both sides.

As a cancer patient you have some control - you get the diagnosis, are told the treatment options & prognosis then make the decision as to what, if any treatment you will have etc. But as a relative of a cancer patient you aren't in control of anything - you have to take the lead from the patient & hope you are of some help to them whilst you battle your own thoughts, fears etc. In some ways it's harder being the relative than the patient. So my advice to you is this -

Tell FIL that if there is anything he would like you & your husband to help him with just to ask & you will do all you can. Tell him that, if he ever wants to talk about anything you are there for him - and if he doesn't want to share his fears, emotions etc you are still there for him. Don't put him under any pressure, just leave it to him to take the lead. Meanwhile, anything of a practical nature you can help with get on & do it - such as looking into any benefits he may be entitled to (Attendance Allowance etc), doing his gardening, cooking him a meal etc - keeping busy doing helpful things will distract you for a while & be helpful to him. Also, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, spend time with your husband & help each other to deal with your fears & emotions - men don't always show their feelings easily in these situations so you both need to be there for each other. This will also help your children deal with their grandfather's illness - seeing mum & dad dealing with it on a practical & emotional basis will comfort them. No one can prepare anyone for the end, no matter what age, all you can do is a be a close, loving family & make the most of each day you all have together starting today.
Make good memories & take each day at a time - and don't be afraid to cry, it's only human and your family would be more worried if you didn't (my dad thought I was heading for a mental breakdown cos I was so practical & upbeat about mum - until I broke down at her bedside when she was trying to be stoical about the prognosis)!
My best wishes to you all.

kingslayer

Cancer is a terrible disease and takes people's lives way too early. I have had my mum die of cancer when i was 13; she discovered a lump while we was away on a family holiday. It makes me tear up as if she had known sooner she may have survived. All i know is that she was complaining of a difference to her breasts months before she discovered the lump. To this day i wish she had known sooner. I would go into more detail post discovery, but i'd rather not get upset or make others miserable.

A year later my uncle died of stomach cancer; understandably my dad was a total mess; having experienced his wife die from cancer and now his brother was deteriorating and death was likely. My uncle died not long before xmas that year and that was hard to take. We used to go to the football games with him, but then all of a sudden he was diagnosed and starting looking worse and worse every time we saw him at the games.

My nan also died 4 years ago of liver cancer at the age of 89. She had lived a good life, so at least that was a positive!

I really don't know what else to say, but try not to let the anxieties and paranoia affect you. Just make sure you go for regular checks and if you notice any change in your health or how you feel, go straight to the doctor. Try not to think negative and just believe that you will be okay and eat healthy, drink healthy and maintain a clean lifestyle if possible, that way you at least give yourself the best chance of avoiding this awful disease.

lilmissreading

No personal experience but some people find it helpful to make memory boxes - so collect a shoe box or similar with lots of things that make you think of FIL. Sometimes the person being remembered want to do it, sometimes not. It can contain photos, smells (e.g. if smells of something you might find a soap or hand lotion that smells like him), brands of things you associate with him, poems, stories (published or personal about him), important documents and so on.

Or make a box for yourself e.g. when you are in a better place write yourself a letter reminding your more vulnerable self of how you are going to cope, include numbers of people you can turn to (for laugh or cry), funny clips online, music, scented candles, hand lotion, photos, bath stuff, essential oils, anything little that helps give you a little lift. Thay way when you feel worse times, you have somewhere to go where there is hopefully everything you need in one place for a switch off/chill out.

Mrs_Optimist

Thank you all so very much for your posts. It is exactly the sort of thread I was hoping for - I have experienced bereavement (dodgy hearts & brains on my side of the family) with Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, but not cancer. Thankfully both my parents are still alive. I am very close to my FIL so it is kind of like losing my own parent IYSWIM.


I am comforted that I have already done quite a lot of the advice on here so hopefully I am handling it right. I text FIL every other day - to make sure he hasn't topped himself, to make sure he isn't brooding on his own, so he knows I am thinking of him. I keep it all upbeat but I don't patronise him.


I am not afraid of him dying, more the lead -up and afterwards? My GP was very helpful - he recognised straight away that I wasn't depressed but anxious, and I agree with his diagnosis. My anxiety is that I have/get cancer but wont know until it is too late to treat - like FIL. Stupid nonsensical thoughts I know and bar having MRI privately every week to rule it out, nothing can be done to prevent me getting it. I know it sounds ridiculous.


I am hoping it is a quick demise so nobody suffers, and I know that makes me a heartless cow, but I can't bear to see him deteriorate in front of us. He has always been a strong, solid, reliable person so I don't want to see that change - but it has already after only one bout of chemo. I was shocked at the quick demise in the space of a week.


We have made a bit of an occasion after his hospital visits of having him stay overnight and having a takeaway, and just being normal. But everytime I look at him I can see the fear and sadness in his eyes.


I still treat him as normal, take the pi## (that is our relationship) but not sure how I will be able to hold it together when I see him change so rapidly in front of me.


I hope this doesn't make it seem like me, me, me. My main concern is FIL and doing what is best for him, being the best support I can for him, and not muck it up.

E2006

I am not afraid of him dying, more the lead -up and afterwards? My GP was very helpful - he recognised straight away that I wasn't depressed but anxious, and I agree with his diagnosis. My anxiety is that I have/get cancer but wont know until it is too late to treat - like FIL. Stupid nonsensical thoughts I know and bar having MRI privately every week to rule it out, nothing can be done to prevent me getting it. I know it sounds ridiculous.


[/QUOTE]



I'm so sorry for the situation you all find yourselves in. I don't really have any advice other than what has already been given, but this paragraph of your post really struck a chord with me. I was really poorly last year and in hospital for quite a while. I could have died through it, but coped fine at the time and for a few months afterwards. In January this year however I had a health scare which thankfully turned out to be nothing, however this seemed to be the catalyst for how I am now. I constantly worry that I too have/will get cancer and as with you, that it will be either too late to do anything or that it will be a type cant be cured. I have been diagnosed with health anxiety, although for some reason its only cancer I worry about (constantly). Im currently on a waiting list for CBT and wondered whether your GP had made any similar referrals for you when you were diagnosed? I had 2 telephone sessions of CBT before being referred for direct work and the counsellor advised me that health anxiety is generally harder to treat than general anxiety and usually takes a little longer to change thoughts/behaviour associated with it. Maybe this is something you might want to explore further?


Hugs


E x

kmmr

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've never had to deal with terminal cancer, but I was diagnosed with cancer at 35 so I have some view from the other side. I'm fully in remission now.

I'm pleased to see that you are still taking the p!55 a bit as you normally would. When we (DH and I) had to go through the 'telling' process, we put a ban on sad faces. As the patient all you see is sad faces, when in truth a lot of the time you are sort of trying to forget about it and just get on with life as well as you can.

As Growler said, when it's you you know what is coming up, and how it will work and what choices have been made. So I imagine it's harder for family who can't be in as much control.

Some specific things I found

• Don't just offer to do 'anything'. Offer something specific. People offering any help meant that I had to think of something for them to do, so I estimated they could do, would want to do, and would fit around their timetable. It felt like a job finding something for people to do! It was much easier if someone said - do you want me to sort out the garden today? Can I collect the groceries, do you mind if I tidy up the kitchen for you, do you want me to pick up/drop off forms from somewhere. Do you need a lift to and from the hospital for one of the million appointments you will inevitably have.
• Don't always be sad. Don't talk about the 'fight' as it gives the feeling that if you don't live, then it's your fault as you didn't fight hard enough.
• Try to remember where the person is in their treatment. Explaining the same thing 100 times is very tedious. I wrote a blog to try and inform people as I was tired of explaining what was wrong, what treatment I had, what I had considered and discounted etc. Some patients like to talk about it, in which case there is no harm in hearing it twice, but at the same time try to arm yourself and others with basic knowledge.

*Louise*

Hi, sorry to read about your situation. I don't think anyone has discovered the best way to cope with cancer, it's just a case of dealing with what life throws at you in your own way, and accepting whatever help you can get.


Sady, I have to say I do have personal experience in this area. My grandfather died of oesophagus cancer in 2010, and 6 months later my Dad was diagnosed with the exact same type. Three months later my mum told us had breast cancer (she had known for a month but couldn't bring herself to tell us)
My Dad sadly became terminal and died in 2012 but luckily my mum is still in remission.

The only thing you can do is offer as much support as possible, while making the most of all the time you have. My Dad didn't like to complain, therefore didn't like being asked how he was feeling. He had a big gathering for his 60th 10 days before he died, which was a strange 'party' because he knew it was the last time he was going to see everyone.

Accept any offers of help or support you can from Macmillan. I never met any of them, but my mum said they were lovely. The people and doctors at the Marie Curie hospice were wonderful, and very compassionate.

Regarding telling the children - I would consider telling them the time scales involved. They are old enough to know what's going on, and therefore old enough to understand that the time left is very precious.

I have to say though, the very best thing you can have is personal support for yourself. You need a really good friend who you can cry in front of and who will just listen while you let it all out.

Mrs_Optimist

Once again thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post.


I re-read the thread today and it has helped enormously. Yesterday I could feel myself getting "het up" my heart was palpitating and I was getting stressed. Today is a new day and I have taken some positive steps.


I have arranged a telephone appointment in a few weeks time to discuss my anxiety with a counsellor. I self-referred - my GP gave me the contact number, so that is something positive.


My children know that Grandad cannot be cured, and that he had to have chemo otherwise he would live 6 months, but nothing more than that, because I don't want them to act differently towards him. He is a fantastic Grandad, and their loss when he does go will be huge. His only concern has been what his grandchildren have been told, bless him.


It has helped greatly receiving posts from cancer sufferers (not sure whether victim is the right term to use) about their perspective.


My FIL is very self-sufficient, he didn't even want to be picked up from the hospital when he was operated on (tonsil removal, cancer discovered in back of throat then, MRI followed and found on both lungs), so I don't know how he will feel about being offered specific help - although I have told him repeatedly that he only has to ask and we will be there without question.


My GP says that many people have cancer that don't know until it is too late. I have regular smear tests, check my breasts, have never smoked (thank god), but am overweight and have a tendency to drink in excess of my recommended weekly alcohol units so am taking positive steps to reduce my weight and cut right down on my drinking. My parents both smoked heavily when I was young - in the 70s it was the done thing to smoke, so I was concerned about the effect of passive smoking, but my GP says I shouldn't worry unduly.


Incidentally my FIL had a sore throat that wouldn't over a few weeks at Christmas which was when he went to Doctors and investigations began. That is so terrifying.


The thought of leaving my children terrifies me. Reading my posts back and putting my sensible head on, I can see that I am being silly, but my off days see my head spiral out of control with anxiety.


Anyway back to FIL. We will find out a bit more when he finishes his course of chemo, but he has already said that he wont be having any more (now anyway - he may change his mind if it halts the spread), reading the internet is so scary - some people die within months, even weeks of diagnosis. I cannot imagine what is going through his head.

Indie_Kid

You're not being silly. You being scared is understandable.