Keeping secrets in families

jackyann

Hello OP - I am presuming you meant counsellor (not councillor - isn't spellcheck wonderful?!)
I would spend a bit of time thinking (and maybe exploring with the counsellor) how your family see you. It may not be how you see yourself, or how others see you, but your family might have done this because:
they see you as being in need of protection
they see you as being judgemental, stand-offish, generally "unhelpful"
they see you as being wise & sensible, but they know they can't follow any advice you might give, so they prefer not to hear it
they are having such difficulty handling this dreadful situation, they can't manage another person in the mix
they may like to keep your relationship separate from all of this - something more normal
any mix of the above and other stuff!!

you don't have to decide - just wondering about this may give you some insight.

My main advice is don't rush

geoffky

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Someone with a history of drug-addiction has a pretty close relationship with the Grim Reaper anyway. It doesn't necssarily surprise me that someone with an addiciton might flirt with the idea of ending their life. They risk doing that every day they take (most kinds of) drugs.

.

What a load of uninformed nonsense.
By all means tell of the dangers of drugs but please do not insult our intelligence.

Better_Days

OP, first, good news that your sibling is now on the mend.

WIth regards to your query I think a lot depends on the reason(s) that you weren't told. jackyann raises some good points to consider. Are you able to discuss this with your parents so you can understand better why particular decisions were made?

In some families information is used as power to hurt others and to play favourites. However, it doesn't sound as if this is the case here, although I can understand why you are hurt. I think it also depends on if it is 'normal' for your family to share information of this nature. In some families the world and his wife would know, in others it would be kept to a very restricted circle.

You can't change the past but if you would like a closer relationship with your parents and sibling perhaps now is the time to begin increasing contact. I hope it works out for you.

meritaten

it may be that your sibling was ashamed and asked that you not be told. it may sound as if its because they wanted you left out of the loop - but the reasons can be very complex. they may have felt you would look down on them, or be disgusted by them. they may have felt they weren't 'living up to the standards YOU have set in the family'. they may have been upset and said it in a moment of anger.
whatever, you have found out now and its how you deal with it NOW that is going to matter.
and maybe you didn't mean it to sound like this - but suddenly its become all about 'YOU'. YOU found out and YOU need counselling, YOU feel this or that. YOU don't know what to do. so YOU come and ask for advice.

and its simple - ask your sibling how you can help?

pleasedelete

Ok- harsh comment but what came to mind and I assume that by posting you want honest opinions.

They tried to commit suicide. You found out. You needed counselling.

You then post about it in a post which comes across to me as all about you- not about how you can help your sibling. So not- help I have just found out my sibling tried to take their own life- how can I help them but rather- I found out, it has upset me, I need support, my family have let me down me.

Do you have a tendency to make everything about you? Maybe that is why they didn't tell you?

ska_lover

pleasedelete wrote: »

Ok- harsh comment but what came to mind and I assume that by posting you want honest opinions.

They tried to commit suicide. You found out. You needed counselling.

You then post about it in a post which comes across to me as all about you- not about how you can help your sibling. So not- help I have just found out my sibling tried to take their own life- how can I help them but rather- I found out, it has upset me, I need support, my family have let me down me.

Do you have a tendency to make everything about you? Maybe that is why they didn't tell you?

I don't think that sounds harsh, that was my direction of thought to be honest.

ska_lover

puppypants wrote: »

Ska lover, you took the words right out of my mouth!!! (I feel a song coming on!) xx

tra la laaaaaa:rotfl:

alias*alibi

liuhutOz wrote: »

I am just wanting to get people opinions on something that I have become aware of recently.

Bit of background. My sibling is younger than me and has a history of drug addiction. This has effected my family hugely and therefore my sibling and I have very sporadic contact.
I recently found out that my sibling has attempted suicide on a number of occasions, one of these in particular they came very close to succeeding.
All of this was kept from me by my parents. I should say that I do not live close and therefore all communication is over the phone or by email, which can make it hard to have difficult conversations.

Anyway, Two years on and I have found all of this out. My reaction has been varied, I am so upset that my sibling has been going through this, and maybe shock that things were that bad, and plus, that I have not been there to help, I am hurt that I wasn't told, I am upset that I wasn't given the opportunity to help, not that I may have been able to but I will never know now.

I have been to see a councillor as this has really effected me and they said that I need to be able to accept that my parents didn't tell me what has happened if Im going to move forward.

I just want to know...how would you feel if something like this was kept from you? Would your family keep secrets like this? Am I right in feeling all of this?
I hope that this doesn't sound me, me, me. I should point out that apparently my sibling is 'in a good place now' and is not currently having suicidal thoughts.

I found out my brother was my step-brother when I was 19, my mum only decided to tell me as she was running off to America to live and wouldn't have the backlash. Plus a very close friend of the family whom I looked at as a grandfather she decided to tell me his marriage was with somebody who he'd run off to have an affair with and left 4 children behind. Why I needed to know this I don't know unless to wreck my perfect illusion of their marriage. I despise that she did this as it felt malicious.

Off she sailed to America leaving me to digest these two huge pieces of information and to be fair I dislike her for doing it. It affected me greatly, still does to some degree the level of deceit she held back on til she knew she would no longer be in the firing line.

I think this is different to your scenario though as it feels as if your parents are trying to shield you from any pain; whereas mine only told me because she wouldn't be close by for any backlash, and done it to ease her conscience I suppose.