Keeping secrets in families

SavingPennies_2

If you relationship is otherwise okay then it seems likely that they just wanted to keep you from worrying. After all if you dont live near and contact is sporadic, what could you really do to help? The prob had enough to worry about without upsetting you too.

liuhutOz

reddevil, I found out from another family member who visited me and thought that I knew.
It was a real shock, I found out about two months ago. Yes I don't know but I think suicide is talked about more now, whereas maybe for my parents its something that is shameful and to be hidden away, like they have failed in someway because their child is going through this...I don't know, I'm just trying to reason why it was kept from me.

liuhutOz

thorsoak, lol I agree, it wasn't really done in a gossipy way, it was a topic that came up as something had happened in the neighbourhood (a jumper in front of a train) and it was mentioned in relation to that, like I knew about it. Yes I think I need to attempt to build our relationship back up so that I can be of help and support in the future.

SavingPennies - yes I might not have been able to help, I think i was also upset with myself that I had let the relationship drift so badly ,and let the drug addiction thing be the main focus of my attention, although that has been difficult to overlook for the last while.

Thank you for all of your comments, its given me different angles to consider and ways to deal with these feelings that I've been having. Ive got to go offline for a while, but thank you for taking the time to post.
Cheers

red_devil

liuhutOz wrote: »

reddevil, I found out from another family member who visited me and thought that I knew.
It was a real shock, I found out about two months ago. Yes I don't know but I think suicide is talked about more now, whereas maybe for my parents its something that is shameful and to be hidden away, like they have failed in someway because their child is going through this...I don't know, I'm just trying to reason why it was kept from me.

I know where your coming from.

my sis has made it awkward as said, dosent look like she intends to tell me anytime soon either.

Its silly keeping secrets they have a habit of getting out.

RuthnJasper

liuhutOz wrote: »

Thanks for your comments.

RuthnJasper - yes I think there are aspects on both points that you have suggested. I hadn't considered a letter but that is a lovely idea. The thing is I've been told by the family member who told me not to tell my sibling that I know! This just adds to this feeling of secrecy and lies. I have tried to open the lines of communication more, just getting in touch more often that I was. Ive had a very busy couple of years, no excuse I know as everyone is these days, but I just feel that if I had have known what was going on that I would have made a Huge effort to be there, and maybe even taken a flight home to visit.

Wow Red devil, thats a biggie! Yes I just feel really awkward now, like all of our relationships have shifted a bit?

You could always write without mentioning the suicide bid - just along the lines of "look, I know we've not always been the closest we could be, but I hope you know that I love you and I'm always there if you ever need me."

I tried that with my brother, who doesn't seem to like me too much. He wrote back saying that he couldn't forgive me for "what I'd done to" our parents (my financial woes and having depression); fairly ironic, as he's a psychiatric nurse. Fortunately, my sis-in-law is wonderful and has been a great help. PLEASE don't use my scenario as an 'oh no, that might happen to me' type thing; that's just my personal experience.

Include some nice, news-y stuff about what you've been up to and maybe some pics. Also, a handwritten letter stands a better chance of being kept so that, some time in the future, your sibling can look back at it and know that you care. xx

liuhutOz

Thank you for sharing your experience RuthnJasper and I'm sorry that was the reaction you got. I think that could be something that I could do, maybe do the pics too. Ive had a lot going on and it could also be a way of trying to include them in my life and not just the other way around, maybe. Yes, I'll do that...thank you :-)

jackieblack

My family is the opposite... my Mum and her sister are very close and tell each other everything.
But, my Mum then tells me things about my cousins (that my Aunt has told her) and, tbh, I sometimes wonder whether they would really want me knowing some of these details (medical etc).

My Mum just says we're all family and it doesn't matter but now I just don't tell her things that I don't want everyone else in the family knowing about.

ska_lover

There is no 'right to information' family or not, we are not under any obligation to share our innermost issues and thoughts with family however close contact we have, or in this case, don't have. I wouldn't share my innermost issues with someone who was a virtual stranger, blood ties or not.

In some families, some people keep secrets like this, because upon disclosure 'their' problem becomes 'your' problem, and then, it is all about you - and they have to spend precious headspace worrying about how YOU are dealing with THEIR problem - If you see what I mean.


Your sibling is probably having enough to deal with themselves without it suddenly becoming all about you, and your need for counselling and the possible guilt that will bring for sibling.

I can understand it to some extent, especially as you only have sporadic relationships with them - they likely have closer friends and counsellors they can talk things through with who know current events going on in their lives and are not emotionally involved as you are

puppypants

Ska lover, you took the words right out of my mouth!!! (I feel a song coming on!) xx

BitterAndTwisted

Someone with a history of drug-addiction has a pretty close relationship with the Grim Reaper anyway. It doesn't necssarily surprise me that someone with an addiciton might flirt with the idea of ending their life. They risk doing that every day they take (most kinds of) drugs.

Still, no-one is entitled to know everything there is to know about others, even our closest relatives. There needs to be some tiny corner of our lives that we can call our own, and not have to offer it up to others to pore over, interfere or judge.