Keeping secrets in families

liuhutOz

I am just wanting to get people opinions on something that I have become aware of recently.

Bit of background. My sibling is younger than me and has a history of drug addiction. This has effected my family hugely and therefore my sibling and I have very sporadic contact.
I recently found out that my sibling has attempted suicide on a number of occasions, one of these in particular they came very close to succeeding.
All of this was kept from me by my parents. I should say that I do not live close and therefore all communication is over the phone or by email, which can make it hard to have difficult conversations.

Anyway, Two years on and I have found all of this out. My reaction has been varied, I am so upset that my sibling has been going through this, and maybe shock that things were that bad, and plus, that I have not been there to help, I am hurt that I wasn't told, I am upset that I wasn't given the opportunity to help, not that I may have been able to but I will never know now.

I have been to see a councillor as this has really effected me and they said that I need to be able to accept that my parents didn't tell me what has happened if Im going to move forward.

I just want to know...how would you feel if something like this was kept from you? Would your family keep secrets like this? Am I right in feeling all of this?
I hope that this doesn't sound me, me, me. I should point out that apparently my sibling is 'in a good place now' and is not currently having suicidal thoughts.

Pollycat

Maybe your sibling asked your parents not to tell you.

I would be clear on your facts if you intend to confront your parents.

Personally, if I only had sporadic contact with my sibling, I don't think not being told would be a big issue to me..

RuthnJasper

I think I would be hurt. It may be that your sibling asked your family not to tell, because they were ashamed, or that the decision was taken because no-one wanted to distress you.

Have you considered writing your sibling a letter? I mean, a handwritten one, explaining how much you care; how much you would have liked to have been there supporting them at the time; and that you are always there if they need help or advice in the future? Sometimes it is easier to say these things in a letter. It may also spare your parents' feelings (it may not have been their choice to keep you in the dark) over recriminations that they made the wrong decisions.

I am glad that your sibling is doing better. I wish you and your family all the best for the future. xx

red_devil

Neither my sister nor my dad bothered to tell me about my sisters marriage breakdown. Dont know why hardly a big deal is it?

They have made it awkward.

my famiky are kings of secrets.

elsien

I think your sibling trying to commit suicide must have been an extremely difficult time for your parents. They must have been going through hell and were trying to do the best that they could for everyone at the time whilst managing to hold themselves together.

Your relationship with your sibling doesn't seem to be that close, so maybe not telling you at the time seemed the sensible option as it's one less emotional burden for them to carry, particularly when as you say yourself communication about sensitive topics can be difficult by phone or email.
Then the sibling may have chosen who to tell and who not to.

Yes if it were me I'd want to know and I'd feel hurt and excluded if I didn't, but I think also you possibly need to consider the place your parents were in at the time and the reasons they made the choices that they did.

liuhutOz

Thanks for your comments.

Pollycat, yes I think that there is a possibility that they did not want me to know. I also think that my dad just wanted to not acknowledge that it was happening, and maybe wanted to protect me. Although, now I know I'm trying to deal with these feelings when everyone else has moved on.

RuthnJasper - yes I think there are aspects on both points that you have suggested. I hadn't considered a letter but that is a lovely idea. The thing is I've been told by the family member who told me not to tell my sibling that I know! This just adds to this feeling of secrecy and lies. I have tried to open the lines of communication more, just getting in touch more often that I was. Ive had a very busy couple of years, no excuse I know as everyone is these days, but I just feel that if I had have known what was going on that I would have made a Huge effort to be there, and maybe even taken a flight home to visit.

Wow Red devil, thats a biggie! Yes I just feel really awkward now, like all of our relationships have shifted a bit?

liuhutOz

elsien wrote: »

Yes if it were me I'd want to know and I'd feel hurt and excluded if I didn't, but I think also you possibly need to consider the place your parents were in at the time and the reasons they made the choices that they did.

Yes, thats what I meant about hoping that I didn't sound 'me, me, me'. I am really trying to understand it from my parents side, and yes I think that I would have been a bit of a burden, I'm still carrying the baggage from when we found out about the drug addiction and related problems. I just am really struggling to accept the decisions that they made at the time :-(

red_devil

My sister sold her house and didnt tell me, she just hoped i eouldnt write to her i guess, just text her.

this pretence has been going on over a year now.

red_devil

I am guessing they were abit ashamed op, how did you find out,

hgotsparkle

I think a lot of the time, secrets are kept through protection.
I've recently found out a lot about my family(ie my aunt suffering from depression) and these have been kept from me up until now and I know my mum and grandparents did it to protect me and shelter me, though this has made me very naive as an adult and I'm aware of that to the point where I don't know how to react in stressful situations.

thorsoak

Well obviously your family aren't very good at keeping peoples' confidences if another family member told you about it!

It's okay to feel hurt about it - but it's okay for her not to tell you - and for her to ask your parents not to tell you as well. What is not okay is for it to be gossiped about. Maybe, at some time you can tell her that you know - and that you felt hurt that she didn't trust you - and that her trust was misplaced elsewhere.

Just let her know that you are there for her - and that you won't judge her or break her confidence in the future if she does chose to confide in you.