Parents Neighbours

Lip_Stick

Hi all.

I am posting to see if anyone can offer any advice on a situation that is going on with my parents. It's a bit of a long one, but I wanted to get as much detail into the post as possible. Thanks in advance for reading, and thank you even more if you manage to get to the end lol.

A bit of background. Both my parents are in their 70's. Dad has a couple of problems, mainly with his knees. A couple of years ago, a woman and her four children moved next door. Things have been getting progressively worse with one of the children.

The boy (I'll call him Mark) is 11 now and is special needs. We're not sure what is wrong with Mark, but he is forgetful, as in asking the same question half a dozen times. He's quite loud and boisterous too. He goes to a special school and someone Dad knows, who works there, told Dad that Mark is hard for the school to control. There seems to be debate about whether some of his behaviour is his upbringing or his special needs.

Anyway, my son who is four years younger than Mark, when down at the folks, would occasionally play with this boy (although now he's not so keen) so Mark came into the house. He's taken a key before, and one time I'd just paid my Mam some money, almost £100, and he took that. Dad went round and got it back but apparently Mark didn't get a telling off at all. The folks gave Mark the benefit of the doubt that he didn't do it maliciously so he can pop in, but he's not allowed to stay and play unless he's been watched. That's not much of an issue now really, as like I said, my son has gone off Mark and has found new friends. I've mentioned the taking of property as it could be down to Mark's disability and maybe it might help someone pinpoint what's wrong, but it also could just be bad behaviour.

Fast forward to recently and Mark has been pestering my parents. He calls for my son when he's not there and it takes a while to get rid of him. Five minutes later he's banging on the door again. Then he'll go round to the other door and knock again. Once he's in the garden he's hard to get rid of, (he came into my parents garden once while they were away and pulled up some veg Dad had been growing.) so Dad doesn't want him in the garden unsupervised and has had a struggle to get him out. Another neighbour has banned him from their garden after they were chasing him around trying to get him out.

Another problem is that things are getting thrown in my parents garden which Dad throws back. They are away at the moment and I popped down and there was a tampax in the garden, unused thank God lol. Mark came around and I asked him about it and he said it'd fallen from his sister's bedroom window. I threw it back and Mark said he was going to throw it back. Mark's sister was at the bedroom window and called him in. The next morning it's back in the garden again. My sister, who is looking after the house, tossed it back, and now it's back again.

One of the main things is the lack of supervision Mark has. His mother often goes out overnight on a weekend, leaving Mark's sisters looking after him. You don't really see them and he's left to his own devices. Mark was eating an entire cucumber for his dinner the other week! The same goes with his mother, once Mark is outside, she just leaves him to it. Someone once came round to see his mother, telling her Mark had been hanging around with druggies in a park. Apparently, because of Mark's disability he's not supposed to be left unsupervised, but I'm going on hearsay.

The advice I'm after is really what my parents can do to stop him coming around all the time. It can be up to ten times in a day. With Dad having a disability he doesn't want to be up and down, chasing a young lad out the garden. Also, the throwing of the things in the garden, if anyone has any advice it'd be appreciated, although I guess Dad can learn to live with that.

If anyone has any advice about Mark's disability, that would help too. Perhaps I could look at ways to handle it. Plus, is it acceptable for him to be left to hang about on the streets alone when he has such a condition?

Again, sorry for the long post and thanks too if you made it this far!

aileth

I'd be getting on the blower to Social Services personally.

How old are the sisters? Serious lack of adult supervision and the cucumber thing sounds worrying, regardless of whether he has disabilities.

roobee13

Aileth is right, social service is the most obvious choice. However if it were me, I'd have concerns that this might make life more difficult for your parents. The mother might bear a grudge and relations might get worse etc.

I thought entering someones garden was classed as trespassing? If so then I guess they could ask the police to have a quiet word. That might shock the mother into taking action? If another neighbour has banned him from their garden there's no reason your parents can#t do the same - it is theirs after all

Random question but have your parents got a door bell or a knocker? If its a bell I'd be tempted to take the battery out or unplug it. If they can't hear anything then they don't have to keep getting up!

Hope this gets resolved soon, good luck.

Person_one

First of all, stop throwing the tampon back and forth, put it in the bin!

aileth

Trespass is civil unfortunately so Police will tell you to take it up with the HA/Council, and I'm not sure what action they could take if it's just the boy trespassing.

If his behaviour is affecting others apart from your parents then make an anonymous report to Social Services and hopefully the mum shouldn't be able to pinpoint it, especially if he's roaming wild.

Definitely agree with the unplugging the doorbell. Best decision we ever made!!!

elsien

It's possibly less that he's forgetful - some people feel the need to keep asking the same question when they already know the answer because it's reassuring for them and makes them feel safe and that the world is carrying on as it should be.

The continually calling round may be a complete lack of understanding of the social niceties. If your dad is being polite and making excuses, then Mark may be taking this at face value. Some people don't understand the subtleties of people going round in circles in how they say things because they're trying not to offend, and don't read facial expression and body language well. Sometimes you need to say things in a way that for non-disabled people can sound horribly blunt for the message to get through.
So dad needs to be clear in his communication. X isn't here, if he is here he doesn't want to play, please don't call back later as you still won't be able to come in.

Is it possible to put a bolt on the garden gate so he can't come in unless invited?

Tell dad to stop throwing things back as that is such a great game. Bin them if it's things like tampax, if it's things they might want back tell the mum or the sisters to come round and fetch them. You don't want to be giving Mark more excuses to call round if his visits are not welcome.

Without knowing Mark, it's not possible to say if he should be hanging around without supervision -just because his mannerisms can be annoying to others doesn't mean that he's not safe to be out and about. Bur if you have genuine concerns then flag it up with social services.

And talk to his mum about how your dad is finding Mark's visits difficult because of his disability - she may be more accepting of this approach than thinking any problems are due to how people perceive him and his needs. Who knows what prejudice they've already encountered?

Of course it's entirely possible that he has special needs and is still a little sod. But at least give him the benefit of the doubt to start with and try to understand why he might be acting as he is. I'm not saying dad needs to put up with it. But a change of approach may be effective without going down the full scale neighbours fall out route.

dandelionclock30

Social Services are unlikley to do anything I'm afraid.
If I were you I would be going round to the parents house myself and telling them that they have to keep their son better supervised at all times.If he keeps still keeps coming round all the time then I would report the matter to the community police saying he was tresspassing and harrassing.At least then the parents might sit up and listen.
I'd also tell my parents to stop answering the door as well.

aileth

A lady where we used to live had a lad who was about 10. If he saw you, he'd run up to you saying hello, then punch you REALLY hard in the arm. He had no quarrel about running all over your front garden, letting himself into the back when you were gardening, or climbing onto your car.

We heard the mother talking to other neighbours apologising for his behaviour, saying that he had ADHD and mild autism.

Turns out he had neither after my OH got chatting to her partner one day. He was just a little sod who had no boundaries whatsoever.

globetraveller

Can you block off the back garden?
Also, if they can see it is the boy at the door they should ignore. If they can't see, then you could get a security viewer in their door.
It is unusual for a 14 year old to be interested in older folks so have you considered it might be a call for help? I would phone s services the next time mother has left him and its late.

ska_lover

I would say try an ignoring tact intially

Some kids just thrive on the fact they are annoying people, and he is obviously loving the ''throwing rubbish over the back garden'' game. Quietly put in the bin - without showing annoyance

When he knocks the door, just say ''No'' firmly, and close the door. Repeat as often as it takes to get it into his head that he isn't welcome.

Disability or upbringing, he is lightfingered and destructive - and not your parents problem.

Get a bolt on the gate.

Never allow him on the property again, as this is giving him mixed signals, one minute he is OK to knock, the next he is not - make it clear he is unwelcome and stick to it, no need to be rude, just be firm with the lad

If it were my parents, I would speak to his parents and ask them to politely keep him away as they are old and don't want to be hassled with the door going needlessly

Person_one

aileth wrote: »

Turns out he had neither after my OH got chatting to her partner one day. He was just a little sod who had no boundaries whatsoever.

That's a very uncharitable perspective.