Bl@@dy families.

fin7

Don't know where to start with this one, but here goes.

My mum and her brother had a falling out over 40 years ago, they had no contact with each other for well over 20 years, it was only when their dad was dying that contact was made, one of my cousins was 14/15 at the time and it was the first time she'd seen our grandfather.

All thought I've tried over the years to keep some form of contact open it hasn't been easy, they live miles away. A couple of years ago my daughter made contact with my cousins kids, they're all adults and some have children of their own.

Now, there are three cousin, and I'm having a nightmare with the oldest one, he's obsessed to know what the falling out of over 40 years ago was about, mum and his dad have both passed on and I feel it should be let go. He told me I was no longer welcome to contact any member of my family where they all are, I took no notice of that. The other week I was bombarded with the most disgusting text messages going, I hadn't heard from him in months.

It's all starting to get me down, I'm wondering if I should just cut all ties with them, after all we rolled along ok without them, but at the same time we are such a small family here. I dread seeing his name on the text, I keep ignoring him, he seems to quieten down for a while then just kicks off, I can't be bothered with something from all those years ago. I keep in contact with his wife more than with him, I haven't told her about his latest disgusting outburst tho.

I know what the falling out was about, the reason I don't want to get into it is, it'll achieve nothing, the siblings have both passed away, why rake up old history like this? And, I know it was his dad that caused the rift, that's another reason why I feel that we should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Am I right, or should I tell him knowing that no good will come of it?

martinthebandit

Block his number on your phone perhaps and just stay in contact with those you like?

It would be what I would do.

poet123

If you know, why should he not know? It is clearly troubling him, so I would just tell him.

mountainofdebt

Have you asked him why he's so obsessed by it?

It seems a strange thing to be obsessed by especially as all the original parties to the rift have now died.

fin7

I've no idea why he's so obsessed about it. I know he's had mental health problems over the years and I'm worried that telling him is not going to do him any good considering the siblings have passed on. They made up, it took many years but in the last few years of their lives they kept in contact.

He seems to have a lot of problems in dealing with his past for some reason.

Hermia

Whilst his rude behaviour is obviously not acceptable, I can understand why he wants to find out about the past. I come from a family with a lot of secrets and falling-outs and I do want to know what happened in order to understand why there are problems in the family. Maybe he was very aware that there were problems growing up and feels it would help him to know.

ab.da54

fin7 wrote: »

I know what the falling out was about, the reason I don't want to get into it is, it'll achieve nothing, the siblings have both passed away, why rake up old history like this? And, I know it was his dad that caused the rift, that's another reason why I feel that we should just let sleeping dogs lie.

Am I right, or should I tell him knowing that no good will come of it?

Do you know what the argument was about or do you know what it is you were told, fin7?

There will always be the other side of the story and they do not always fit together like a jigsaw puzzle.

I would not be blaming the cousin's father if you only have one side of the story as that will not help mend relations. Better to leave it be in this instance.

jaylee3

Hermia wrote: »

Whilst his rude behaviour is obviously not acceptable, I can understand why he wants to find out about the past. I come from a family with a lot of secrets and falling-outs and I do want to know what happened in order to understand why there are problems in the family. Maybe he was very aware that there were problems growing up and feels it would help him to know.

I agree with this ^^^

He is being rude, but why can you not just tell him? Why do you think he should not know what happened?

Mojisola

Hermia wrote: »

Whilst his rude behaviour is obviously not acceptable, I can understand why he wants to find out about the past. I come from a family with a lot of secrets and falling-outs and I do want to know what happened in order to understand why there are problems in the family. Maybe he was very aware that there were problems growing up and feels it would help him to know.

If he's the type to continue the feud (or attribute blame) once he knows what it was about, I'd be wary of telling him anything.

The people involved made up before they died. If they'd wanted everyone to know, wouldn't they have told people while they were alive?

elsien

Is there any benefit to you in keeping in touch?
If your children want to contact their cousins that's their choice, it doesn't mean you have to.
Apart from the fact he's being obnoxious, is there any particular reason you don't want him to know other than that it might stir up any more animosity? After all it doesn't sound there's anyone who was involved who'll get hurt by it any more.
And it may be that he wants the information, (if it's about his dad I can understand his curiosity) but being rude and sending abusive texts isn't the way to go about it. Sometimes though people think that they're being kept out of some big family secret and it riles them. Which might be why he's so focussed on it, thinking that it must be really bad if no-one will tell him.
You could always go for the "you won't like it, but you asked so here it is, now leave me alone I don't want to discuss it any further " approach. By letter so you don't have to talk to him. Then block his number and leave him to it.


(My perspective is that of someone who didn't know she had a huge family on one side and has always wondered what happened and has never found out.)

fin7

I know what happened first off from my mum, later from her brother, he took the decision not to tell his kids, I don't know why.

My grandfather lived with us, he had five grandchildren, when anyone ever asked him how many grandchildren he had he always said two.

I've filled them in with all sorts of missing bits of the family, I just feel that this rift should be left alone, it's only going to cause more problems.