What would you do!!

cakeforbrains

loobylaa wrote: »

Domravioli I've tried to get him to see a dr for a few months now as the anti depressants he has dont seem to be having an effect anymore but he won't see he had a problem separating sounds good in theory but no one I know has space to take me and our 3 children in and in the state of mind he's in at mo I wouldn't leave then with him
He doesn't have anywhere to go as he doesn't have contact with his family and has very few friends
hgotsparkle that's what I said yesterday. I expect the messages to be explicit from the kind of sites they are but surely he'd show them to prove he's not met with anyone I'm not saying that would make it all better but I think I'd rather it just be chat

I'm a bit worried that you are even contemplating leaving the marital home with your children at this stage. If you decide to split then he should go, and the fact that he's seemingly got nowhere to go isn't your problem. You need to be quite firm about that.

When my ex and I split he offered the same sob story. It wasn't until I hardened up a bit and called his bluff that he'd have to go 'camp in a field' that he magically found himself a flat (with his new girlfriend).

My view on his behaviour is that is's totally out of order. He's likely looking for somebody to sleep with, if he hasn't already. The fact that he won't let you read his messages proves that he doesn't feel your relationship is worth laying himself on the line for. He thinks he can get round you.

I can't imagine that, in your position, I'd be able to trust him again.

Sorry.

vanessav

What you know so far is:
That he used !!!!!! sites and 'chat rooms' (telephone sex) 12 years ago. This caused you a lot of heart-ache and he made promises that he has not kept.
Because you now know that he is a member of websites where people arrange hook-ups for sex.

Looby, he is so, so, SO unlikely to have been looking for 'chat'. He was looking for sex. This is why he won't let you see the conversations he has had on these sites.
Of course he will tell you that 'nothing happened'. He will continue as long as you have no evidence of sexual activity.
But because he realises that all his messages incriminate him, he is getting his defence in early and BLAMING YOU.

Maybe if he was being completely honest with you and mortified at the hurt he has caused you and willing to try to put it right; there would be a point working towards a reconciliation.
If he has been feeling lonely, perhaps it would have been good idea for him to talk to you. But he has been rather busy with !!!!!! sites and hook-up sites, hasn't he?

What an awful situation for you. Please insist on the truth. He needs to be explaining himself to you; not vice versa.

Seanymph

Go get yourself checked out an an STD clinic.

I can't believe you even need to ask anything else...

unholyangel

loobylaa wrote: »

Domravioli I've tried to get him to see a dr for a few months now as the anti depressants he has dont seem to be having an effect anymore but he won't see he had a problem separating sounds good in theory but no one I know has space to take me and our 3 children in and in the state of mind he's in at mo I wouldn't leave then with him
He doesn't have anywhere to go as he doesn't have contact with his family and has very few friends
hgotsparkle that's what I said yesterday. I expect the messages to be explicit from the kind of sites they are but surely he'd show them to prove he's not met with anyone I'm not saying that would make it all better but I think I'd rather it just be chat

Is he definitely still taking them? Anti-depressants are a bit of a hit and miss. One will work wonders for one person, but will act negatively with another or have no effect (dosage may also be upped).

As for the sites, if he's depressed, is it possible he doesnt feel attractive anymore? Sounds silly but some people may not be looking for anything but like to know we could get it if we wanted. Or is it possible he has sexual fantasies he feels too embarrassed to share as another poster said?

If you feel like this is a "make or break" situation, tell him. But if sexual fantasies/insecurities are a possibility, perhaps remember to include something to put his mind at ease?

Believe it or not, it could be his depression. Its not just a change of mood, its a change of mind. Instead of looking at something innocently, they start to have doubts and fears and suspicions. So he may think you'll leave him if you know the truth etc.

Of course could be completely wrong and he could just be a d***

You'll know better than all of us what the scenario is. If its the former, I'd at least try but ultimately, if you're the only one trying.....you'll never get anywhere and its just going to drain the life from you. If its the latter.....I hope you've packed his bag already!

BigAunty

He could choose to treat you with respect and build a relationship based on love and trust. Instead he is prioritising his own interests over you.

He could improve his situation by taking steps to break the links to those sites (as per his promise), seeing his GP or taking other action to improve his mental health, improving his social life in order to make friends and reconciling with his family.

Clearly, he doesn't want to do any of these things, he just prefers that you suffer the effects of his decisions and lifestyle so he can keep enjoying the status quo.

It suits his purposes that you view him as vulnerable and therefore accept his self belief that he's incapable of change. If he's lonely, its because he chooses to have an online, rather than actually socially interactive life.

He naturally displays strong resistance to accepting what he is doing is wrong and therefore making steps to change things for the better.

He may perhaps only have a light bulb moment when you take a stand by throwing him out or issuing an ultimatum that he stops using those sites and puts his energy into recovering his health, social life, family contacts, perhaps couple counselling, and employment (you don't say about his employment status, am I wrong to assume he isn't working?)

The reason he doesn't have anywhere to go and will cling to you like a limpet is because he is purposely isolated and the fear of major changes is why he prefers familiarity, even though the outcome is that you are a victim of his selfish behaviour. What he is doing is literally obscene and frankly quite insulting to you and his kids.

You don't say whether you jointly own or rent a property. Look into the Shelter website's relationship breakdown section to understand your rights and his options. Also, if you have a joint legal relationship when it comes to accommodation, see a solicitor to find out whether or not his 'no strings' obsession and history with !!!!!! are sufficient grounds to get an occupation order.

He may not have anywhere to go but that's not your problem - protecting yourself and his children from his disrespect is.

On this forum on a virtually daily basis, (and the debt free wanabee one, too, because a lot of women get financially exploited by their partners), we witness what can be termed as 'man-child' issues.

Typically the male partner effectively expects to be mothered by the female and their immature, juvenile and selfish behaviour forgiven like they are just naughty children who perform minor acts of disobedience. That's why they react so badly when challenged - they don't see you have any right to subject them to 'discipline', don't you know that they can't help it, it's all your fault, etc. Expect more tantrums.

System

You know what? I spend a lot of time on my own. If I get lonely and don't want to talk to real people I use chat rooms like this.

I wouldn't dream of going on !!!!!! sites unless I wanted to talk 'dirty' (which I don't). There would be no other reason.

Think about it.

KatieDee

The major issue for me here would be the deception. We all have wants, desires and needs, some of which we don't feel comfortable in sharing, but I think the fact this has happened previously is something to keep in mind.

You would think that being caught previously would have brought it out into the open and made him aware of the damage he was doing. You were trusting enough to give him another chance and in my opinion, he has betrayed your trust.

Do you feel you can give him the benefit of the doubt yet again? If not, then you are probably right in considering ending the relationship.

Personally, I would be livid that I'd given him another chance and cut my losses but only you know how much is invested in the relationship and whether it can be saved. He may be suffering from depression but I don't feel this should be used as an excuse for his behaviour, especially as you have been actively supporting him to find the best treatment.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

StuC75

Some of those sites are not always as real as they seem..

True for most, but with depression and various antidepressants those kind of thoughts can (and do spiral onwards), in manic \'up' times you can find yourself considering and making decisions beyond what you would consider 'normal' - that's why most professionals would advise against making big decisions whilst undergoing treatment. I found myself spending more when out shopping on impulse things that I thought I really wanted at the time as made me feel good, and a kinda rebellion against the ex who was always ultra critical of what I may have spent money on in the past (from personal money left after I'd payed all the mortgage and bills and putting money away into savings)..


The OP may not be presenting the full facts in terms of how healthy there relationship has been, and it may be that the OP's could be rather emotionally 'detached' from her husband who's then been left with such feelings festering away so has seen this as a form of escapism, call any attention a 'lift' to his confidence.we don't know the full story here...

Personally I would look at professional counselling before such a decision rather that views on a internet forum - as that would be more constructive and not based from one view point which is all we are getting here, as responses can be loaded according to how the question is posed here..

Judi wrote: »

You know what? I spend a lot of time on my own. If I get lonely and don't want to talk to real people I use chat rooms like this.

I wouldn't dream of going on !!!!!! sites unless I wanted to talk 'dirty' (which I don't). There would be no other reason.

Think about it.

bagpussbear

In your shoes, I would find this unforgiveable.

Obviously it's only a personal decision that you can make, but I couldn't blame you if you called time on this relationship.

loobylaa

Thanks for all your replys not sure on how to quote so will try and remember everything
He's been very hit and miss with taking his meds which I'm sure as something to do with them stopping working. His reasoning being he is tired after a long day working and doesn't need them as he's better!!
He has no contact with his parents( the only family he has) due to them it's no fault of his but he had a screwed up childhood they cut him out of their lives 5 years ago( personally I think it's for best but he still holds hope that one day they will realise they love him)
I married him because I thought all our problems were in the past and that he had changed
With regards to our relationship I honestly thought everything was fine I accepted a long time ago that our sex drives were different in that he needs it alot more than me but he had his !!!!!! to watch which helped
I am quite social but always make time for him and am always involving him in my plans so he can meet new people

I've spoke to him today and he is still insisting that he did it to feel wanted and didn't/wouldn't meet with anyone but still won't show me the messages as it won't let him log on
I've spent most of the past 48hrs crying I'm 99% certain I don't believe him and can't live like this
To me a relationship is between 2 people maybe some people cope with open relationships but its not for me
Anyway thanks again its helped getting it off my chest