What would you do!!

loobylaa

I'm in need of advice, am I unreasonable to want to split up with my husband.
Bit of back history.. He suffers depression quite bad and 12 years ago we went thru a really rough time as he was addicted to !!!!!! sites and this led to him ringing chat rooms etc. he swore blond nothing had gone further and after a while I forgave him

Fast forward 12 years.. We got married last year and I thought everything was fine
Found out yesterday he's signed up to numerous sites for people looking for no strings attached sex

He'd had messages from these sites but won't let me read them. I insists he's never met anyone and it was just chat but to me why would you join sites that are purely for the reason of meeting someone
Anyway he got very defensive and angry and in the end blamed me as I make him feel lonely
Every part of me says I will never be able to trust him again and should call it a day I can't talk to anyone I know about this because if we do sort it there'll always be that atmosphere between my family/friends and him
Sorry for the rambling long post

DomRavioli

If you think you have irreconcilable differences, then you could get a divorce.

If your OH is feeling low and vulnerable, then he may need to see his GP or another health professional.

It is your decision alone as to what you want to allow, and what you will tolerate; personally, I would get him help, but separate whilst they are getting it.

hgotsparkle

You're not being unreasonable at all - the point is, he's signed up to these sites, and if it was 'just for a chat' then why won't he let you see the messages?
And he's kind of contradicted himself by saying that you make him feel lonely.
Leave him to wallow in his own mess.

Zully

it may be that he is exploring a side of his sexuality that he feels ashamed of or feels he cant explore with you, I would sit down with him and try to discuss it with him and ask him frankly what he is talking about and try to convey that you are willing and open to listen to him about this, it *could* be fantasy but in my eyes he should have spoken to you about it first.


also, its not unreasonable to want a divorce on these grounds, if that is what you want, you have sufficient reason as there is the distinct possibility he may have been unfaithful, personally tho, I think you probably need to go to counselling and have this out *IF* you wish to continue with him an any capacity, I recommend Relate.

loobylaa

Domravioli I've tried to get him to see a dr for a few months now as the anti depressants he has dont seem to be having an effect anymore but he won't see he had a problem separating sounds good in theory but no one I know has space to take me and our 3 children in and in the state of mind he's in at mo I wouldn't leave then with him
He doesn't have anywhere to go as he doesn't have contact with his family and has very few friends
hgotsparkle that's what I said yesterday. I expect the messages to be explicit from the kind of sites they are but surely he'd show them to prove he's not met with anyone I'm not saying that would make it all better but I think I'd rather it just be chat

loobylaa

Zully this is one of my problems. He acts so secretive over this kind of thing I've had this with !!!!!! before and I told him although it not really my thing I don't have a problem with him watching but to be honest about it rather than try sneaking around
I just can't cope with the fact he may have met with someone else everytime I think of it I feel sick

Zully

yup, I can relate to that completely, if you have 3 kids with him, I STRONGLY recommend you go to Relate (im too new to provide a link) they can help you communicate, maybe have this out and also to help you move towards a split if that is what is best for all.

Zully

also, another reason I am pushing you towards the councilling route is from my own experience, me and my ex were together so long and we both flare up so easily that "discussions" would often devolve into a petty blame game, I tried to arrange councilling, but she was already with my (now also ex) best mate, if I had taken action earlier, they can teach techniques on how those discussions could remain discussions and reach mutually beneficial compromises, im taking a massive assumption but from what you have mentioned above, would I be wrong in surmising that is what is happening in your relationship?

FBaby

It sounds like there are deep seeded issues to do with intimacy, commitment and communication what I don't understand is why if this has been going on for some time yoy birth agreed to marry last year.

Pollycat

You ask if you are being unreasonable to want to split up with your husband.....

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the circumstances you describe.
But- only you can make the decision which is right for you.
Good luck.

StuC75

have a read into the anti-depressants that he's on as some can result in odd behaviour and tendencies displayed - in terms of 'extremes' of actions\reactions to situations (when mind is over thinking)..

Has that side of your relationship been ok? Do you both have the same level of drive? with my ex there was a massive difference and I was often just left with those kind of thoughts racing round in your mind with no kind of outlet.. combined with medication and the 'up' times does block out what you might think as your normal level of response, where you wouldn't normally stray to.