Any ideas for stressed mum with aspie sons refusal to go to school

jules8542

Hi, sorry but I have run out of ideas so would appreciate useful advice on a draining stressful situation. I am a single parent with a 13 year old who has recently been diagnosed with aspergers, always had school issues like most aspie lads. Had a virus in December which wiped him out, hardly went to school for three months Dec-march this year.

He has worked hard at home on school work, and the teachers are impressed with his hard work and attitude. My biggest problem is it can take me five hours of cajoling, encouraging, bribing, screaming and exhaustion to get him to attend school. I am exhausted by the daily battle, I can't make appointments as I end up cancelling them as he refuses to co-operate.

I have honestly tried a nice approach, an authoritive approach and have praised good days and when he has managed to get in. It doesn't help as I am the only carer for my parents who both have dementia, and have lots of dr appointments etc. I do make time for one to one with my son, and he has a social life unlike me.

What really hurts is when he goes to school after confiding in a teacher once that I was stressed he now seems to enjoy telling tales on me, I really feel like the worst mother ever but know that I am a good mother as I have three grown up sons. All busy with their own lives. He has told the teacher today I make him worse by trying to move him along in the morning, if I didn't he'd sleep all day!

Mental health is supposed to be helping him with anxiety but have waited for six months so think by the time it's helped It will be the holidays! I'm just so stretched by everyone and feel hurt by his need to criticise my coping abilities that I've had to face everyday for six months at least. He always makes me late for everything with trying to convince him to get a move on., even when it's not school.

Sorry for waffling but really fed up of trying to juggle so many balls and now getting kicked for it too.

fabforty

Try posting on the ASD/Aspergers thread - I am sure someone there will be able to help.


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4890592

jules8542

Thanks for your reply much appreciated.

theoretica

I have a relative with aspergers: he ended his schooling in a boarding school, at state expense. He needs routine (which he can help set), advance warning of any changes, and not too many things which break the schedule. By routine I mean dinner at 6pm - 6:05 is pushing it rather and merits an apology and acknowledgement that dinner is late!

gardengull

I don't have a child with asbergers, but this sort of conversation (below) has worked in the past for me. If it's not relevant for your situation, please ignore!

---

"I have listened to what you have said about me [cajoling you in the morning]and how this makes [getting up and ready for school] worse for you.
I do this because I worry that you won't [get up and ready for school] if I don't do this, and it has been making my life very difficult too.
I think we have both got into a bad routine, and it isn't working for either of us.

You are growing up, and have a responsibility for your [getting up and ready for school].

I need your help to change things for the better, and would like to make an agreement with you, just for tomorrow. If I agree not to [cajole you tomorrow morning], do you think that you could [get up and ready by x o'clock]?
If you could get your school clothes out ready the night before (including under wear and shoes), I will have breakfast ready at x on the table.
Do you think that we could try and change the bad routine we have got into? Would you be willing to try this, just for one day?

---

It's very hard to make kids accept responsibility, especially when your child is anxious, but I have found that kids are desperate to take control of their own lives. Most, but not every part of a relationship with teenagers, has to be parent to child, sometimes I have had to appeal to their growing sense of adulthood, adult to adult if you like.

Good luck.

z.n

No aspie experience but wonder if there a breakfast club or similar that you could aim for- and get into the routine that he has his breakfast there (food as reward)? ie a bit more of an up and out routine rather than up and sit down again for breakfast? It would get things moving earlier and give you more time to get on to other appointments. Or maybe this lovely teacher who he confides in would like to meet him at the door first thing so that he gets a positive start with an adult rather than being thrown into the thick of it with all the other kids (if noise and commotion are a bit much.) Is he able to say exactly what is stopping him from being able to go at the normal time? Like gardengull says, a cooperative approach would be better all round-especially now he is getting older.

I also wonder if you would get more help if you didn't put yourself through the wringer and told the school you cannot get him to come-would the educational services move you up the list for the counsellor? ie stop the shouting and stressing and just accept what he is saying to you, after an amount of cajoling you can emotionally manage. I am conscious that you are not supposed to leave a 13YO on their own if they refuse school (friend in similar situation and work nightmare) so I can see this must be horrendous for you with your parents' medical needs too.

The other side of the coin is that you get some more help for your parents so that you are not being pulled in so many directions at once. Then concentrate on getting your son more settled. Surely Social services will step in when necessary with your parents but from our family experience sometimes the wheels have to fall off before they do. You might have to let that happen to get your parents the support they need (and which does not place you under intolerable pressure.)