Just needed to be heard for a little while

lostinrates

elsien wrote: »

LIR, can I empathise, if I promise it's not pity? When I had depression a number of years back, it was only having to look after the dog that got me off the settee otherwise I'd probably still be there now.

Apart from the pushing through pain bit which has never been on my radar - that one's a bit of an alien concept in my mindset! If I ever take up running - I'm contemplating the couch to 5k thingy - I know where to come for some tips on pushing through the barrier. Don't hold me to it though - whether I ever get from the contemplating stage to out the door is a moot point.

Tbc, as far as running goes, IMO if it hurts, it hurts for a reason, listen to it. Running was just a maintaining thing for me, not competitive, and nothing I pushed, so.... If its merely uncomfortable or you 'hit a wall' that's different. Stubbornness, goal setting and counting were my tactics. Other things hurt lots! And actually, in retrospect I'm not sure that's the best way either, but now I'm glad they did because they gave me grit and scope I find almost comforting,

Waves_and_Smiles

That is a really good question, elsien. To first put it into context, everytime I have been bad enough to be hospitalised I have lost a little more of my ability. I find after every break a little more becomes overwhelming and I lose a bit more motivation, a bit more cognitive ability and shut myself off a bit further almost like a little brain damage takes place (which is why I really can't afford another full on break).

After my first break having nothing to do all day was the hardest because I had so much energy and motivation. I could do a lot more back then so I watched 3 DVDs a day, sat in the park and fed the local geese and generally became very clinically depressed. I found it a huge gulf between working as I was used to (I was working two jobs at the time of my break) and then suddenly having nothing to do. Fortunately for me within 2 months I began to attend a day centre 5 days a week which gave me purpose again but you have my total sympathy right now because I know just how it feels to go from very busy to days to fill. You feel so restless and just don't know what to do with yourself.

These days I have more eased into it, I spend a lot of time online reading about all sorts of things, a lot of which is educational. I find it very important to have a routine, even if it is eating lunch at the same time everyday to keep things in an order. Even if I am not busy, I need to fool my mind into thinking that I need to maintain a schedule. In my case it is also important for the catatonia because if I have free time I'll just drift off into other worlds so I have to have a focus to my days. Having said that part of that focus is allowing a planned 3 hours a day to drift off, if I don't I become ill oddly enough. My mind needs to take a break a day.

I don't know if this is the same for you but in my case looking back at what I was doing before is very hard and I avoid it. Sometimes I'll look up my old place of work or the friends I had when I was working and I find it very painful because it brings home what I have lost. So I tend to focus on the here and now, keep a routine and fill my mind with new knowledge as much as I can. Obviously it is different now but I found getting outside helped at first even if it was an hours walk a day, I also used to meditate which has always helped me through the years to both focus on myself and relieve my mind of anxiety. Oh, and lists! I used to make many, many lists, even housework was broken down onto them. If I could pretend to myself that I had lots to do I felt a lot better.

Waves_and_Smiles

Guess who fell asleep at 5pm and woke up at 6am this morning? I don't even remember my partner giving me my evening medication before he left. I am still letting my body sleep whenever it chooses to see if it can naturally fit into a routine but I wasn't quite expecting to sleep for that long, I lost an entire evening!

I have done something spontaneous. I found some free study courses online, all the video lectures and coursework are already there and you can pick and choose when you do it or stop entirely if you wish. There is no pressure at all although it is recommended to spend 3-5 hours a week per course and you can interact with others doing it if you wish to. So I have signed up to study Bioethics (basically looking at why we react how we do to emotive issues so psychology based). This is the first time I have attempted any formal course for 20 years so panicking a bit but it is a tiny step forward to doing something healthy for myself. It is posting here that has given me the confidence to try so huge thank you''s to everyone. Wish me luck!

whitewing

I fell asleep on the sofa at 6pm and then went to bed at 11pm. I'm on a little bit of a downer at the moment but it will pass (TOTM doesn't help).

I think your course sounds brilliant and I am looking forward to hearing all about it.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I hope you feel better soon, whitewing. TOTM certainly doesn't help. Do you have chocolate? Chocolate is essential. I always find I sleep more if I am feeling down, when the depression psychosis was bad I was averaging 16 hours a day.

I shall no doubt be mentioning the course a fair amount, knowing me in terms of panic but I am hoping that will pass. It is only for 6 weeks with no obligation at all so I am hoping that it stops me running for the hills. It is a tiny thing to do but massive for me so fingers crossed!

Pyxis

WaS, you read my mind! Halfway through your first post today I was thinking of suggesting an on-line course! I was going to say the Open University, who do some courses just for interest, no exams. I was also thinking of endocrinology, but that's a bit ambitious at the moment. Bioethics sounds fascinating!

Who is the course with?A 6-week bite-size chunk sounds perfect!

Waves_and_Smiles

Morning Pyxis! It is with EDX courses, they have a whole bunch of them offered by various universities. I settled for Bioethics because it interests me and it is psychology based so I have vague chance of understanding what they are teaching, but I was looking at biology-based courses too. If I can manage this one I may try something like endocrinology next. Perhaps I might even attempt 2 courses next time around as really 6-10 hours a week shouldn't be that bad (eeeek!). Let's see if I can keep going with this one first though, it is my first attempt for 20 years. I have written it here so I can't back out incidentally, I start in 2 weeks (enough time to fit in at least 6 panic attacks).

Pyxis

It's brilliant! And the extra routine will be good too, plus the online interaction! PERFICK!:)

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I hope so! I liked it because everything is already there to start with so you can do as little or as much as you want. They recommend one lecture and studying the course material a week, with optional papers if you wish to test yourself. It is all very easy-going and it is up to you if you wish to speak to other people taking it. I am quite excited but I have also managed to chew my nail down to the point of bleeding, typical me!

jobbingmusician

Quite brilliant! (Except for the nail thing, of course - sympathy from a fellow nailbiter!)

While you're waiting, you do know about Ted lectures on Youtube, don't you? (That very beautiful 'ugliest girl in the world' was a Ted lecture I think).