Regret at losing contact with kind family member.

rosie_78

That's really quite a sad story. I do feel for both you and Katie.


I hope that you do reconnect with her. I think it's human nature what you've done; basically you have heard her "side". You want confirmation so you hear the other "side".


Maybe cutting contact was the wrong thing to do (Captain Hindsight ), but point out that now you know for sure.

She doesn't need to know the details, I'm sure she's over it as much as she can be. Despite her upbringing she sounds nice.

Good luck x

lilmissreading

Ah tricky.

I agree with happybutterfly re eating humble pie.

If 'Katie' has spent her life being rejected by her family, it seems likely that your rejection of her could well have cut deep. Therefore she may not be able to forgive or might be understandably very wary about trusting someone again who has let her down.

However, I would still absolutely find a way to contact her (think through adult children would be ok?) to explain that you realise you were wrong and want to apologise. As much as she may have been hurt, you might really give her a boost to hear that she is not the only one to be scapegoated and badly treated by these people - that it is not about her but their behaviour to anyone. I don't mean she would be rejoicing at your misfortune just that it might make her feel relieved she is not the only one and feels less alone.

whitewing

Yes, I think you should try to contact her to apologise and try to build bridges.

Billie-S

Can't hurt to try and get in touch if you have a contact (the child.)

She must have been incredibly hurt after being hurt all her life by family, and then having you appear to be interested, then asking about the rest of the family, and then choosing them, and ignoring her. But as a few have said on here, she may be pleased that it's not just her who has been on the receiving end of the family's horrid behaviour, and that you have come back to her, ready to make a good effort. Your behaviour was pretty bad though to be honest, but I'm sure you're sorry.

Good luck. I guess we all make mistakes.

Do be sure that you do want contact though and that you will stay in touch. If you do the same to her again, that would be really nasty and mean, and imo you wouldn't deserve to have anyone bother with you again.

ska_lover

If I were Katie, I wouldnt be interested. Not that you didnt take her word for it, but that you effectively DUMPED katie like she was dog !!!!, in favour of these people who used you, and now you want to crawl back to Katie?

Sorry that sounds unkind to type, but it would be how I would react. Hopefully Katie is more forgiving than I am!

Peter333

Update.

I contacted Katie's 20 y.o. daughter on facebook, and told her more or less what I said here. (About how I had found the family as awful as she had said.) And that I had had some contact with her mother several years ago, and that I had managed to contact the extended family soon after, and regrettably we seemed to lose contact.

I got a really rude message from her (which I probably deserved.)

I have copied and pasted it.

'As if you 'regrettably lost contact.' My mum tried for months to maintain contact with you, and you just blatantly ignored her, and she could see from your facebook (when she looked on it several months after you stopped contacting her,) that you went on to find contact with the family that abandoned her, as she saw 3 or 4 of them on your facebook friends list.

So now you have realised that they are free-loading users and aren't that interested in bothering with you, you want to come crawling back to my mum? Well no, I shan't pass your details on, I shan't mention that you contacted me, and frankly you have got a bloody cheek.

Our family has moved away now, and my mum and dad have made lots of friends in the new place we live in, we have contact with several family members from my dad's side, and my mum is much happier for not having her extended family in her life using her when it suits them, and ignoring her or bullying her most of the time.

She is particularly better off without her birth mother Jill, who has never given a stuff about her, has never regarded her as a daughter and has never shown any kind of love or caring or compassion for her. Also, she has rarely ever acknowledged her - ever - and on the rare occasion she did, it was to slag her off and bully her when she was younger. Yet she treats her son (mum's half brother) like he is a King, and fusses over her cousins as if they were her own children, and her cousins children, as if they were her own grandchildren.

My mum went to Anne's house (one of her cousins,) every 3 or 4 weeks, and half the time she went, Anne was on the phone talking to Jill. (my mum's birth mother.) Anne knew my mum was coming, and she still spent the time talking to Jill, planning stuff they were doing together, and leaving my mum sitting there blankly while her birth mother and cousin planned family stuff that she was not invited to.

She did this about 7 times in several months, and that was along with a number of times that 'the family' had Christenings and weddings and 'significant birthday' birthday parties, and didn't invite ANY of us! On top of that, there were several occasions when her half brother (my Uncle Dan) wouldn't let her in the house when she popped around to bring presents for his children, because the birth mother - Jill - was there. They seem to think Jill is such an angel because she pops in to do housework for her son and daughter in law, and babysits for them and for a couple of her nieces, and yet she abandoned her own daughter (my mum) and her grandchildren. (Me and my sister.)

I am blocking you now, do not contact me again, and do not try and contact my mother. She cried for weeks at the way you treated her: do you think I'm going to let you try and get into her life after you abandoned her last time? She has been abandoned by her entire family, including her birth mother, and when there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon, and she thought she had found part of the family who cared for her, you sh@t on her from a great height.

Have a nice life. My mum has one now, and she has a family that loves and cares for her. She doesn't need people who use her, bully her, ignore her, only bother with her when they need something and when it suits them, and then abandon her like she's nothing.'

I guess I deserved that.

JoW123

Peter333 wrote: »

Update.

I contacted Katie's 20 y.o. daughter on facebook, and told her more or less what I said here. (About how I had found the family as awful as she had said.) And that I had had some contact with her mother several years ago, and that I had managed to contact the extended family soon after, and regrettably we seemed to lose contact.

I got a really rude message from her (which I probably deserved.)

I have copied and pasted it.

'As if you 'regrettably lost contact.' My mum tried for months to maintain contact with you, and you just blatantly ignored her, and she could see from your facebook (when she looked on it several months after you stopped contacting her,) that you went on to find contact with the family that abandoned her, as she saw 3 or 4 of them on your facebook friends list.

So now you have realised that they are free-loading users and aren't that interested in bothering with you, you want to come crawling back to my mum? Well no, I shan't pass your details on, I shan't mention that you contacted me, and frankly you have got a bloody cheek.

Our family has moved away now, and my mum and dad have made lots of friends in the new place we live in, we have contact with several family members from my dad's side, and my mum is much happier for not having her extended family in her life using her when it suits them, and ignoring her or bullying her most of the time.

She is particularly better off without her birth mother Jill, who has never given a stuff about her, has never regarded her as a daughter and has never shown any kind of love or caring or compassion for her. Also, she has rarely ever acknowledged her - ever - and on the rare occasion she did, it was to slag her off and bully her when she was younger. Yet she treats her son (mum's half brother) like he is a King, and fusses over her cousins as if they were her own children, and her cousins children, as if they were her own grandchildren.

My mum went to Anne's house (one of her cousins,) every 3 or 4 weeks, and half the time she went, Anne was on the phone talking to Jill. (my mum's birth mother.) Anne knew my mum was coming, and she still spent the time talking to Jill, planning stuff they were doing together, and leaving my mum sitting there blankly while her birth mother and cousin planned family stuff that she was not invited to.

She did this about 7 times in several months, and that was along with a number of times that 'the family' had Christenings and weddings and 'significant birthday' birthday parties, and didn't invite ANY of us! On top of that, there were several occasions when her half brother (my Uncle Dan) wouldn't let her in the house when she popped around to bring presents for his children, because the birth mother - Jill - was there. They seem to think Jill is such an angel because she pops in to do housework for her son and daughter in law, and babysits for them and for a couple of her nieces, and yet she abandoned her own daughter (my mum) and her grandchildren. (Me and my sister.)

I am blocking you now, do not contact me again, and do not try and contact my mother. She cried for weeks at the way you treated her: do you think I'm going to let you try and get into her life after you abandoned her last time? She has been abandoned by her entire family, including her birth mother, and when there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon, and she thought she had found part of the family who cared for her, you sh@t on her from a great height.

Have a nice life. My mum has one now, and she has a family that loves and cares for her. She doesn't need people who use her, bully her, ignore her, only bother with her when they need something and when it suits them, and then abandon her like she's nothing.'

I guess I deserved that.

I'm sorry Peter, but I think you did. I think you need to leave them be now. At least you tried but your treatment of Katie was cruel and I'm not really surprised her daughter has reacted this way. Let them live their life and accept that you did try to make contact but it was rejected.

Billie-S

Ouch. :embarasse

Have to say that you did have it coming. I guess her daughter had to see her mother treated like rubbish by her extended family for years, culminating in them not bothering with at all. And then when she had almost lost all hope, she saw her getting excited that one of her cousins was willing to make contact, and he had a family too (three children) and then when he discovered the rest of the family he stopped bothering with her too.

As someone said earlier, Katie must be very fragile and have very low self esteem after the way she has been abandoned by her own family, including the birth mother. Sounds like her brother can't be bothered either; I mean, not letting her in the house when she came to bring presents for the children: that is a disgrace. And having big family events and leaving her and her husband and children out; spiteful. And the cousin planning stuff with the birth mother, while she was there?! It almost sounds like they planned it to hurt her. Very nasty vindictive behaviour imo.

She is better off without these people, and frankly, she doesn't need you either, after the way you treated her. I would have done the same if I had been the daughter,

BucksLady

Although you were in the wrong Peter, I do feel the daughter's reply was rather rude. It is such a shame that you weren't afforded the opportunity to apologise to Katie because she now carries a wound which that apology may have healed. Perhaps in time, and when the daughter's anger has subsided, she will make contact again.

Billie-S

BucksLady wrote: »

Although you were in the wrong Peter, I do feel the daughter's reply was rather rude. It is such a shame that you weren't afforded the opportunity to apologise to Katie because she now carries a wound which that apology may have healed. Perhaps in time, and when the daughter's anger has subsided, she will make contact again.

You do have a point BucksLady. Peter, I would try contact the daughter again through a different account as the daughter has blocked you, and just explain that you understand where she is coming from, and that you won't make contact with Katie (her mother,) but can she please tell her that you're sorry, so that she knows. As Bucks Lady said, I think it will be helpful for Katie to know this.

I can still see why the daughter was so rude to you though, after the way her mother has been treated. The daughter has done nothing wrong, and is within her rights to be furious with you. But I think it would do her mother (your cousin Katie) quite a bit of good to know you are sorry.