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Regret at losing contact with kind family member.
Peter333
Posts: 2,035 Forumite
Many years ago (early 1970s,) my mother and father moved away from the town they were in; only 30 miles away, but still away from the family. My dad’s parents were dead, and my mother is Dutch and has very little family, so we rarely saw them. Dad’s sister Liz lived near him, and she has 4 kids (now in their 60s.) (I am (ahem) over 55.)
I was a teen when we moved, and over the years, even though my parents made lots of effort with his sister and 2 nieces and 2 nephews (and their 7 kids,) they made none. They never came to visit, never invited him to anything (or us,) and never sent greeting cards – even though we did.
When dad’s mother and father died – days apart – (1990s,) the whole lot of them were there, and we exchanged a few pleasantries and then they went back off to their town.
So my parents decided to not bother with them anymore, and by the mid 1990s, there was no contact at all.
One of the 7 children of one my dad’s nieces – let’s call her Katie – was always a bit of a black sheep, not noisy and mouthy like the others, and the only one who ever sent cards and nice letters a few times a year. My parents appreciated it, and from what I heard from a mutual acquaintance – she moved away too in the early 2000s, and they don’t bother with her either. Despite effort from her in the beginning.
Anyway, around early 2011, I got a message from Friends Reunited, from Katie (after about 15 years of lost contact,) and she said ‘Hi Peter, it’s Katie,’ and proceeded to tell me all about herself and her life now, and asked me how me and my wife and 3 kids were.
We exchanged several emails and curiosity got the better of me, and I asked if she had any contact details for the others (her 6 cousins, her birth mother and her uncle and 2 aunts,) and she said ‘no, I never see them now: I kind of chose not to keep contact.’ I asked why, and she said ‘they are a bunch of moneygrabbing users, who treated me like something they just scraped off their shoe, and they don’t want to know you, unless you are of any use to them or you have money..and Jill doesn’t want to know me and never has.’ Jill is Katie’s birth mother who had her over 40 years back and didn’t want her, so her grandmother raised her. And she said when her grandparents died around the year 2000, they all pushed her out, so she gave up. She also said that they had always treated her badly. Bullying her and mocking her, when they weren’t ignoring her.
I have to admit, I thought this wasn't a nice thing to say about her own family, and thought they can’t all be wrong and her right, and I thought less of her for saying all that, and I stopped contacting her. A few days after this conversation with her, I managed to track down my 4 cousins (one of them being her birth mother,) and long story short, I went to see the family and spent 3 hours ‘catching up’ with 6 of them.
Katie messaged me about 7 or 8 times over about 4 weeks, asking what was wrong, and why I wasn’t responding, and she wrote several times and sent a few greetings cards, but I ignored her. The family seemed fine to me, and I did wonder if it was her and not them. She gave up after about 3-4 months.
Upshot is, over about the following 6 months, I went to see the family 4 or 5 times, and I did notice they were quite loud and a bit vulgar, and talked more than they listened. I foolishly let it slip that I made £100K from a property, and one of my 4 cousins asked if I could lend them some for their business that was struggling. Even more foolishly, I did - £5K. Well they were ‘family.’ No written agreement or anything: I just gave her the cash. What a fool I know.
A couple of years on, I have none of it back, and the cousin has changed numbers and the business has folded. Her brother (when I caught him off guard in town,) said she is bankrupt and suffering depression, and I had better not contact her. Not one of the family has at any point made an effort with me, they used me for money, they don’t send cards or answer letters or emails, and now I see from facebook that this cousin of mine is going on holiday with her children and new partner to America! When they were supposed to be skint.
There have been half a dozen more examples, including the fact that they leech off a fairly wealthy uncle (my cousin) who has built up his business since 1978, but the upshot is that I now realise that everything Katie said was right. She was ousted out of the family, because she didn’t fit in, she wasn’t planned, she wasn’t wanted, and she was constantly reminded by her cousins and birth mother. They only ever used her when it suited, and when she worked in housing for 5 years, they were sniffing around her for months when she started, in the hope she could secure them social housing. When she said she couldn’t; they went back to mostly ignoring her again.
Thing is: I want to contact this second cousin of mine again – Katie. I can’t find her name anywhere on facebook or anywhere, but I have spotted one of her young adult children, and I was wondering whether to message them.
What would you do? Katie was the only family member who ever bothered with my parents and me when we left town many decades ago. She reached out to me, and I pushed her away in favour of the people who treated me like rubbish to start with, and they carried on doing it!
P.s I never mentioned Katie to the family at all. And they never mentioned her.
I was a teen when we moved, and over the years, even though my parents made lots of effort with his sister and 2 nieces and 2 nephews (and their 7 kids,) they made none. They never came to visit, never invited him to anything (or us,) and never sent greeting cards – even though we did.
When dad’s mother and father died – days apart – (1990s,) the whole lot of them were there, and we exchanged a few pleasantries and then they went back off to their town.
So my parents decided to not bother with them anymore, and by the mid 1990s, there was no contact at all.
One of the 7 children of one my dad’s nieces – let’s call her Katie – was always a bit of a black sheep, not noisy and mouthy like the others, and the only one who ever sent cards and nice letters a few times a year. My parents appreciated it, and from what I heard from a mutual acquaintance – she moved away too in the early 2000s, and they don’t bother with her either. Despite effort from her in the beginning.
Anyway, around early 2011, I got a message from Friends Reunited, from Katie (after about 15 years of lost contact,) and she said ‘Hi Peter, it’s Katie,’ and proceeded to tell me all about herself and her life now, and asked me how me and my wife and 3 kids were.
We exchanged several emails and curiosity got the better of me, and I asked if she had any contact details for the others (her 6 cousins, her birth mother and her uncle and 2 aunts,) and she said ‘no, I never see them now: I kind of chose not to keep contact.’ I asked why, and she said ‘they are a bunch of moneygrabbing users, who treated me like something they just scraped off their shoe, and they don’t want to know you, unless you are of any use to them or you have money..and Jill doesn’t want to know me and never has.’ Jill is Katie’s birth mother who had her over 40 years back and didn’t want her, so her grandmother raised her. And she said when her grandparents died around the year 2000, they all pushed her out, so she gave up. She also said that they had always treated her badly. Bullying her and mocking her, when they weren’t ignoring her.
I have to admit, I thought this wasn't a nice thing to say about her own family, and thought they can’t all be wrong and her right, and I thought less of her for saying all that, and I stopped contacting her. A few days after this conversation with her, I managed to track down my 4 cousins (one of them being her birth mother,) and long story short, I went to see the family and spent 3 hours ‘catching up’ with 6 of them.
Katie messaged me about 7 or 8 times over about 4 weeks, asking what was wrong, and why I wasn’t responding, and she wrote several times and sent a few greetings cards, but I ignored her. The family seemed fine to me, and I did wonder if it was her and not them. She gave up after about 3-4 months.
Upshot is, over about the following 6 months, I went to see the family 4 or 5 times, and I did notice they were quite loud and a bit vulgar, and talked more than they listened. I foolishly let it slip that I made £100K from a property, and one of my 4 cousins asked if I could lend them some for their business that was struggling. Even more foolishly, I did - £5K. Well they were ‘family.’ No written agreement or anything: I just gave her the cash. What a fool I know.
A couple of years on, I have none of it back, and the cousin has changed numbers and the business has folded. Her brother (when I caught him off guard in town,) said she is bankrupt and suffering depression, and I had better not contact her. Not one of the family has at any point made an effort with me, they used me for money, they don’t send cards or answer letters or emails, and now I see from facebook that this cousin of mine is going on holiday with her children and new partner to America! When they were supposed to be skint.
There have been half a dozen more examples, including the fact that they leech off a fairly wealthy uncle (my cousin) who has built up his business since 1978, but the upshot is that I now realise that everything Katie said was right. She was ousted out of the family, because she didn’t fit in, she wasn’t planned, she wasn’t wanted, and she was constantly reminded by her cousins and birth mother. They only ever used her when it suited, and when she worked in housing for 5 years, they were sniffing around her for months when she started, in the hope she could secure them social housing. When she said she couldn’t; they went back to mostly ignoring her again.
Thing is: I want to contact this second cousin of mine again – Katie. I can’t find her name anywhere on facebook or anywhere, but I have spotted one of her young adult children, and I was wondering whether to message them.
What would you do? Katie was the only family member who ever bothered with my parents and me when we left town many decades ago. She reached out to me, and I pushed her away in favour of the people who treated me like rubbish to start with, and they carried on doing it!
P.s I never mentioned Katie to the family at all. And they never mentioned her.
You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
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Comments
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It would be better to make a direct approach if you can rather than dragging the kids into it. Is she still contactable via Friends Reunited? I vaguely recall the site worked by forwarding things to your e-mail address, so even if she doesn't still visit the site it may still do the trick.
You'll have a lot of grovelling to do, but such is life - we all put/find ourselves in the wrong from time to time (except me obviously) - but whether she forgives you or not I think you will both feel better for telling her that you know she was right and that you are sorry for how you treated her.
Failing that, contact the kids. They're adults, so you're not being weird, obviously don't use them as go-betweens for explanations etc but just give them your details and ask them to pass them on. Oh, or, bit stalky I know, if you can access their Facebook Friends list their Mum might be on there (having remarried and changed her name or whatever - but you'd recognise her from the photo).
It's funny how, even though you *know* that you shouldn't lend anybody anything if you would be upset to never see it again, you have to put yourself through it time and time again before the penny truly drops.0 -
What a kind reply Snakey.
And helpful. Thank you. I have been stupid. This young woman was/is such a kind soul, the family treated her like crap, (and my parents too frankly,) and then me! What an idiot I am. You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:0 -
You're not an idiot, Peter333 - just human - and we 'all' make mistakes.
I'm sure an apology would be readily accepted by Katie - just hope you manage to make contact with her. Good Luck 0 -
Does "Katie" live in an area that is likely to have an area FB page?
If so, you could post on there that you were looking for her, a family member who you lost touch with several years ago.
Someone must know her and it would seem less stalker-ish than contacting her children.Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time0 -
Thank you Bucks lady. And Ms Chocoholic. I will look into what you said. You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:0
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I think you need to be prepared for the fact that she may not want to know you. I wouldnt after what you did.
Try contacting her but dont be surprised if the answer is no, or she doesnt bother. All you can do is learn from the experience.0 -
Dont feel bad about not taking Katie's word and choosing to give the family the benefit of the doubt. I actively choose to do this - that way I form my own opinion, not one based on someone else's perspective. Its not like you joined forces against Katie.
As for tracking her down, Im not sure. Other than FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, 192 maybe?0 -
thehappybutterfly wrote: »Dont feel bad about not taking Katie's word and choosing to give the family the benefit of the doubt. I actively choose to do this - that way I form my own opinion, not one based on someone else's perspective. Its not like you joined forces against Katie.
As for tracking her down, Im not sure. Other than FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, 192 maybe?
I don't think it's the fact that the OP 'chose to give the family the benefit of the doubt' HB, as much as the fact that he chose the family, and completely cut his female relative off! She contacted him, he responded, he kept in touch for a while, and then he asked her if she sees the family, and she said she didn't and explained why when he asked.
He didn't like what she said about the family, (even though he should have known some of what she said was true, because he said they'd treated him and 'his' parents badly: making him and his parents do all the running/ignoring them etc,) and then he actively ignored her, despite a number of desperate attempts from her to maintain contact.
She had already been pushed out by her family, including her brother and her birth mother, and from what the OP said, she lost her grandparents who raised her, and then he pushed her away as well. The poor woman! She must have zero self esteem!
As I said, he actively ignored her attempts to maintain contact with him, after she 'reached out to him,' via Friends Reunited. He responded, she was probably chuffed, then he tried to get info off her to enable him to contact the people who couldn't be bothered with him in the first place; and after managing it himself, he 'chose' them. They proved to be just as dreadful and toxic as she had said, and now he's licking his wounds and hoping she will welcome him with open arms.
I would tell the OP to get stuffed if I were Katie.
If you 'must' try and contact your relative Peter, I would send a message through her adult child, but expect an ear-bashing. Because you would get it from me, and I would tell you where to get off.Proud to have lost over 3 stone (45 pounds,) in the past year! :j Now a size 14!
You're not singing anymore........ You're not singing any-more!
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I can understand how some posters think OP is at fault and I would agree that he screwed up but someone has to hold out that olive branch and eat some, a lot, of humble pie, but whats the alternative? Losing contact with a family member who sounds like she could do with a family who cares just because he made a mistake? We all make them but we dont always learn from them. All OP can do is apologise and apologise again, admit his mistake and hope that Katie gives him another chance.0
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Well there's no harm in trying, and as she made so much effort with her other family who threw it in her face, maybe she 'will' cut him some slack. I just think that responding to her contact and her 'reaching out,' and then completely ignoring her desperate attempts to maintain contact, and pushing her out (when she had already been very badly rejected,) was rather cruel.
Thing is, if the family hadn't treated Peter so badly and had been 'ok' he wouldn't be bothering with Katie would he? I feel like he's only bothering with her because he basically has nobody else.
Can't do any harm, to contact her I suppose, but I know what I would say if I were Katie.Proud to have lost over 3 stone (45 pounds,) in the past year! :j Now a size 14!
You're not singing anymore........ You're not singing any-more!0
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