A sad situation - WWYD? (long)

[Deleted User]

The situation I am dealing with now, and a lot of thought has made me see that better a few months of consequences that I can do something about than a lifetime of dealing with an unpleasant person who's already drained me of everything I have.

She CAN take the business with her, or even start a new one up. She CAN live in a small place to start with (renting) if she has to. It won't be forever. She might even find that without the constant drain of her son and OH (who sounds almost as bad in a passive way) she is able to do better than she has before.

Yes both she and her husband is to blame for choices they made bringing their son up etc., but he's an adult now, and he is the one choosing to behave badly. That he continues to do so is down to him, not them.

They have warned him that they won't continue to support him, but they do when he kicks up enough fuss. And there's the reward for his behaviour. If they called the police every time he showed up.., he'd stop. If necessary (and it might well be) get an injunction.

She has a choice with both her husband and her son. Continue rewarding their behaviours (perpetuating them) or get out and build her own life, doing whatever she has to to do that. Tell her to imagine what her life would be like without all this hassle, with a future of her own making in front of her (however old she is, there's a future). She also could phone Women's Aid. This is domestic violence.., and I am afraid her husband is party to that. If he puts his son's dreadful behaviour in front of love for his wife.., is that love? Does she need that?

Tygermoth

I do agree with you, i really do.

They refuse to call the police as they don't want him having a record. They believe that he will become entirely unemployable and more of a weight to carry if they make him 'known to the police' (which i can kind of understand)

arrgh, this just gives me a headache. I try and stay out of that side of the family's affairs. They are a large family and are all really messed up (My mum included). They had such a horrible abusive childhood they are either alcoholics, have serious disorders and just seem unable to escape their past. Worst of all they seem to pass it on to the children.

To give you an idea of the dramas - My other Aunts daughter locked up the house and set fire to it with everyone in it. No one was hurt thankfully. That aunt is now having marriage issues and dragging all and sundry into the matter. My Uncle left his first marriage and two children Eve and Noah* after being a drunk and confined at her majesties pleasure for years. remarried a self confessed medication refusing unstable manic depressive and had a further two children who he named..... Eve and Noah.... yup, the same as the first children. He is back in prison and the children are now in care. My other cousin was taken in to care (in the late 1970s) when he was put in the basket of a scooter and driven across town in just a babygro and he got damage to his feet and hands due to the cold. That and she admitted giving him alcohol in his milk at night so he would sleep through so she could go out. I repeat, messed up.

If i could I would take them down to a big hospital lock them in and force them all to have serious serious counselling and supporting therapies.

Back to me Aunt, As i can not see a happy ending here, and i repeat she is a lovely lovely lady which is so sad. I will suggest she speaks to her GP and gets some support. Its not a big help but maybe they will give her some insight.

Sigh.

Gra76

Whether it's a nice thing to say or not, the whole problem stems from how they brought up their son. Bad parenting is coming home to roost, or has been for 40 years by the sound of things.

40 year old 'baby' clearly knows he can do and say whatever he likes because his parents will give in and do whatever he likes.

40 year old 'baby' needs to be cut off completely one way or another. Talking with people about it won't stop 'baby' from returning time and time again.

Your aunt and uncle (especially) need to grow a backbone and deal with this leech before their entire life is ruined by him.

Morglin

Tygermoth wrote: »

Thank you for your replies.

I should have mentioned, but as the post was already longer than war and peace, that we discussed moving out/divorce.

She's worked very hard to get a business off the ground. Uncle is in the business too but Aunty is the driving force and workhorse.

Its doing OK. pays the bills but they are not rolling in it by any means. they have debts and have been on an interest only mortgage for years and years. Moving to the cottage was a shock as mortgages have changed, they have no repayment vehicle and struggled. banks always threw money at them before but times have changed.

So if she goes she will get 50% of diddly squat. She seemed fearful of being her age, becoming divorced having nothing and starting all over again. Staying and maintaining the status quo means she doesn't lose it all. nothing to show for her hard work.

Baby used to work for them on occasion but Aunt fired him after he turned up a number of times drunk. (which Uncle got mad about)

This is why I didn't have an answer for her. I felt very sad, she is a lovely person helped me when i was a young lass and i will never forget her generosity the summer before i went to uni (i worked for her and she let me stay rent free which meant that when i arrived at uni i had a year in advance paid up)

she cant make a stand on her own. she wont leave.

So all i see is years and years of unhappiness.

Happiness is worth more than money -I walked way from 30+ years of marriage, disabled, skint, and had to pay my ex £20k to be shot of him (bank loan time!).

I have never been happier, so it can be done, but other than that, could you offer to put her up for a while, and perhaps Uncle will realise she's had enough, and change his ways?

Other than that, you can only help them who help themselves, so not much more you can do.

Lin

Morglin

Tygermoth wrote: »

I do agree with you, i really do.

They refuse to call the police as they don't want him having a record. They believe that he will become entirely unemployable and more of a weight to carry if they make him 'known to the police' (which i can kind of understand)

arrgh, this just gives me a headache. I try and stay out of that side of the family's affairs. They are a large family and are all really messed up (My mum included). They had such a horrible abusive childhood they are either alcoholics, have serious disorders and just seem unable to escape their past. Worst of all they seem to pass it on to the children.

To give you an idea of the dramas - My other Aunts daughter locked up the house and set fire to it with everyone in it. No one was hurt thankfully. That aunt is now having marriage issues and dragging all and sundry into the matter. My Uncle left his first marriage and two children Eve and Noah* after being a drunk and confined at her majesties pleasure for years. remarried a self confessed medication refusing unstable manic depressive and had a further two children who he named..... Eve and Noah.... yup, the same as the first children. He is back in prison and the children are now in care. My other cousin was taken in to care (in the late 1970s) when he was put in the basket of a scooter and driven across town in just a babygro and he got damage to his feet and hands due to the cold. That and she admitted giving him alcohol in his milk at night so he would sleep through so she could go out. I repeat, messed up.

If i could I would take them down to a big hospital lock them in and force them all to have serious serious counselling and supporting therapies.

Back to me Aunt, As i can not see a happy ending here, and i repeat she is a lovely lovely lady which is so sad. I will suggest she speaks to her GP and gets some support. Its not a big help but maybe they will give her some insight.

Sigh.

By the sounds of them, it's you that needs to break away lol

Lin

patchwork_cat

TBH the person I feel most sorry for in all this is baby. They have ruined his life. I don't know what your aunt should do, she created him. A psychiatrist perhaps?

Morglin

That's a bit harsh, as the parents (auntie and uncle), had no decent parenting themselves, to refer to.

What happened next was fairly inevitable.

The sad thing is, Baby could knock out a child, and then the cycle would start all over again....the next generation of poor parenting.

Lin

Arthog

I'd be surprised if your aunt isn't eligible for Social Housing, as she is fleeing domestic abuse. Contact your local Housing Advice Dept at the Council, and also Shelter, for advice.
She is at risk of violence.
If as you say, she won't leave, all you can do is let her know what her options are, and stand back - sometimes that is what you have to do, as only the person can decide what they will do next.
If she could get away for a while, she'd see her life from a distance and get a better view of it all.

meritaten

I read this the day OP posted it - and still don't know how best to advise! if Aunt wont leave then there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING the OP can do. its down to Aunt to get herself out of this situation. and YES its domestic abuse by both Baby and her OH. how awfully sad! she did what she thought was right as a parent and I got to say - I don't think its ALL down to bad parenting. some people are just born bad. and Baby then spent his whole life with people validating his innate badness. he may well have turned out the same if he had had 'perfect parenting'.
I think that all you can do is offer support to your aunt whatever she does. and a bolthole if needed.

Tygermoth

Hello all,

I thought an update was in order.

Well things have changed (a bit) so hopefully it will all come out in the wash.

The cottage by the sea fell through and they though they have sold the old house are waiting to see if they can get a mortgage on a new one.

Its seems Uncle had taken out loans for Baby and not told Aunty and its affected their credit rating due to available credit.

Currently, the excuse being, rather than renting somewhere they have moved into their respective parents houses. personally I think this might be the precursor to a separation announcement

Baby did come home to the old house then met up with some friends got drunk had a big bust up with them as they would not give him some money he stormed out and is currently whereabouts unknown.

So i am hoping as the sale price of their house is in the bank that aunty will just split and get a little flat somewhere and have the peace she deserves.

this seemed to be the plan. I just hope she sticks to it.