A sad situation - WWYD? (long)

Tygermoth

So, just got off the phone to my aunt. We are not close but she knows I am a good listener and called (very upset) to ask for some advice. I hadn’t a clue to solving her problem so asked if I could post here.

She’s been with her partner for years . Got together very young to escape their homes. Him a overbearing, controlling and manipulative mother. My aunt from a nasty foster care where she had been placed by an uncaring mum and an alcoholic father. They had baby very quickly maybe to try and have the perfect family that they never had… and chose a child led household. Everything, everything was geared to bringing up baby in a loving positive environment. No was never used. There was no punishment. They did not want to be their parents. It should be said they had the best intentions and are lovely gentle people.

Baby grew up. He grew up selfish, spiteful and mean. He grew up knowing there were no consequences. His temper was ferocious. His vindictiveness legendary. Expulsion, fights drugs and the police followed. It’s hard to convey in a few short sentences how shocking he was even as a young boy. He was a truly vile child. (I swear I am not biased because when we were 7 or 8 he gave me 11 stitches hitting me round the head with a rounders bat because he liked my toy and refused to give it back to me – he threw such a tantrum they drove to the shops and bought another one,…ok I might be a little biased )

Baby is now 40 his contempt for his parent knows no bounds. And yet they always bail him out. Since his teens he lives with them until they can’t bear it and then pay to get him out… rent, deposits bills. In housing, half way housing, social housing any housing they can find. He always starts fights with neighbours/landlords or rubs people up until he’s not welcome. Sometimes it lasts six-month sometimes six weeks. It’s always someone else’s fault. Then he goes home (and breaks in if they have changed the locks) leaving a trail of unpaid bills, which they pay. He steals from them, takes from purses, laptops and phones go missing. They live like that until they can’t bear it and pay to get him out… and the cycle starts again. They even moved once and didn’t give him a forwarding address but he found them.

Just recently he decided that he wanted to go back to the city where he flunked out of college (second or third time I can’t remember). They paid for his flat in the hope that being several hours drive away he would finally be out of their hair. They paid an eye wateringly large deposit and several months up front and he was advised that this was it. They would not bail him out again. He was not going to be coming back home. He’s been there for a little while and the Landlord threw him out tonight apparently the damage that he has done to the house it nigh on catastrophic (rage because his girlfriend broke up with him).

He’s called them drunk and angry demanded to be picked up and my aunt is so upset as she doesn’t want him home again. Uncle has promised Aunt he will not bring him home but to a relative who has agreed to put him up. Baby does not like this relative (because she won’t take any of his s**t) she just knows he is going to throw a tantrum and Uncle will bring him home.

Here lies the problem. My Uncle, he chooses Baby over my Aunt every time. He just won’t back her up. They will discuss it agree its hell having him there and they don’t want him back in the house……….. and then later he will turn up with him. They promise to back each other and make a stand ……he folds every time. Every time they say no to giving him money Uncle will take pity and ‘slip him a few’ or put petrol in his car, pay a bill or buy him something.

The last time he left a rental house with unpaid bills the agent contacted Aunty who posted them on to Baby making an agreed stand. Uncle intercepted and paid every single one of them because he refuses to upset him. They will talk it out, agree that they can’t keep doing this and then my Uncle will just give in as soon as Baby throws a paddy.

Every. Single. Time.

Today she is at the end of her tether. They have sold their old house and bought a lovely remote seaside cottage as Uncle promised, promised faithfully that he would not allow Baby back in. This took the last of their savings. There is nothing out there, nowhere for Baby to get a job, nothing for baby to do. They with be his maid and taxi service. They will have a 40 year old parasite that they just won’t get rid of.

She was crying on the phone to me asking what can she do?

I felt terrible because the time to sort this problem out was years ago. She was talking about making an ultimatum and leaving. But I know what would happen. They would let her go. Uncle would not want to upset Baby by choosing her over ‘his own child’.

I don’t see a way out for them, I just don’t.

So if anyone has been through something similar. Has found a path to happiness please don’t hesitate to post. My Aunt would be grateful.

Thank you

Seanymph

I would say that just as Baby has had no consequences for his action nor has Uncle.

He has turned up time and again and bullied your Aunt into backing his way of parenting baby.

Time for Aunty to set some boundaries all 'round.

She needs, without telling Uncle if necessary, to pop and see a good divorce solicitor.

Get herself armed with knowledge - of how she COULD be independent and free of baby if she chose to.

Then she needs to confront uncle and mean it.

She has had enough, she deserves some happiness in her life. She wants her final years to be calm, and restful, and without drama. She has given a lifetime to baby who will not change unless tough love steps in, and she will no longer be part of uncle facilitating that.

she needs to explain to Uncle that she knows she is entitled to 50% house, etc etc etc - she has seen a solicitor, and if baby steps one foot inside the house she will be leaving, and Uncle will have made a choice which will put him living his twilight years under the care of baby not his wife. And good luck with that.

Then she needs to walk the dog for three hours and see what uncle has to say when she gets back.

Course, all that is easier said than done!

duchy

She has grounds for divorce.
I think it is time she showed both of them tough love not just the son.
Obviously she'd have to be prepared to see it through though-and whatever she says -she may or may not have reached that point yet.
What a terribly sad situation -for all three of them.

CH27

Baby & her OH know that she always gives in & walk all over her so she needs to take a firm stand.
Could she come & stay with you for a week so she can see a solicitor to find out her rights & decide how she wants to proceed?
Her not being there may be the wake up call her OH needs?

duchy

I wonder what they would do if she "went on strike" if he rocks up with the son.
No cooking, no cleaning, no shopping just gets on with her stuff and refuses to engage until he is gone.
If baby goes on a rage- call the police and have him removed-an injunction if necessary to keep him away from her (OH could then decide if he wants to leave with the son-no doubt he'd not want to lose his home so would soon be back)

Whether she has the courage is another matter. I think I'd be suggesting she speaks to Women's Aid as this is indeed domestic violence. She'd at least get some support that way.

jetplane

I think its too late for tough love, I agree the time to make changes was over 30 years ago when they realised that their parenting style wasn't working. A 7 year old whacking a child around the head with a baseball bat :eek:

Your aunts only option is to leave and breathe or stay and suffocate. Neither her husband nor son will change. To be harsh as they have not taught him any life skills, how do they expect him to cope in adulthood?

I suspect your aunt may be so worn out that she does not have the strength to fight them both. So very sad.

edit; sorry didn't answer your question WWYD I don't think there is a lot you can do but listen and maybe give her advice on where she get help. And as CH27 suggested offer her a place to stay for a short period. But do be careful that you do not get too far drawn in to this.

duchy

I really feel for the aunt.
I've seen this in my own family (although the young man did eventually grow up and settle down but I do wonder how his wife copes-I keep away as even as an adult he slips back into bullying ways with family and I won't tolerate it) It's created out of love -but it is so damaging but the parent often will forgive everything so ends up enabling until it becomes so entrenched they will forgive absolutely anything because they can't bear to think anyone they love so much can really be so "bad".

jewelly

I think she needs to leave if she has the strength to do so. That is the only way she will get some peace and security in her life, although it will be hard and she will need plenty of emotional support. The situation is not recoverable.

good_advice

Friends you can chose but family you are stuck with.
Parents need to be united. When one patent keeps on giving the child will keep on taking for the easy option.

I know several people living like this.

The parent will end up in dept because there will be no funds left. Living quietly and struggling on. The child will not care, thinks of itself first.

3 choises -wait till they get hurt or run out of money
or turn the trouble away with police help if needed.
walk out/away from situation.

globetraveller

Perhaps you need to take a tough love stance with your aunt. If she wants change she needs to take a stance now. Or just put up for the rest of her life. She does, as suggested need to go today to find out how to go about divorcing and what she is entitled to. I know she is unlikely to get the legal advice today but I would suggest that she tells a white lie and says she is off for an appointment as she needs to take action now before he gets to their house. She will be entitled to half of everything so she just needs to say that and that she is not discussing anything else until he decides whether he is staying and supporting his son or staying with his wife. By that time hopefully she will have had the appointment. You also need to say that if she doesn't want your advice there is nothing else you can do for her.to be honest she is lucky she can phone you. I think I would have disowned someone who rewarded her child for beating me up so badly I got stitches. After that don't get involved further. They made their choices a long time ago and no one else should have to suffer now.

globetraveller

By the way, I have had something similar within our extended family.and got involved and stressed.in the end all you can do is give advice and if they don't make changes then you really should just step right back.