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Opinions re: Christening please

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Hello all :) Long sorry!

Ok maybe thinking a bit far ahead here as i'm not even pregnant yet but i want myself and DP to get things sorted out as to how we're going to bring our child up to save arguements later on. Bit of background first....

DP and I have been together for 2 yrs, have just bought our first home together and are planning to start ttc very soon. I have a 5 yr old daughter from a previous relationship (no involvement from father) whom my DP has taken on as his own.

I didn't have DD christened for a number of reasons, partly because my huge family cannot be trusted at big occasions not to get drunk and fight lol and partly because although i was christened, i've never been to church and have no intention of going so it seemed hypocritical.

DP is catholic, though hasn't been to church since he was a child. He thinks we should get both the new baby and DD christened in the catholic faith which i stongly disagree with.

For a start there is no way DD is being brought up a catholic - no discussion about this, end of so to speak. But as for the baby the reason i don't agree is because DP isn't a churchgoer and the pressure to get the baby christened is from his bl**dy mother who is a strong catholic and thinks that it is the be all and end all of religion and that if not christened catholic the child will go to hell. She was extremely shocked about me not having had DD christened, plus me having been a teenaged, unmarried mother lol ;) Shocker!!!

DP says that his mother will take the child to church so it can do all that confirmation and communion stuff but i think that if i was important to HIM to have it christened catholic then he would haul his !!!! out of bed on a sunday and take it himself??!!

Any opinions gratefully received please!

Thanks

Kate xxx
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Comments

  • newbie71_2
    newbie71_2 Posts: 114 Forumite
    NOOOOOOO don't do it. At the end of the day the children are yours - not his mothers! It's up to you to decide how you bring them up and you're right - if your partner was genuinely upset by the fact the children weren't being brought up as Catholics it would be him that was taking them to church and teaching them about the Catholic faith - not him kowtowing to his mother.

    Also if this is causing such an issue now and you're only thinking about ttc then I would seriously sit down and have it out with your partner before the ttc goes any further (fun though ttc is! ;)) I'm 39 weeks pregnant now and after a miscarriage last year have found this pregnancy stressful enough for all the normal reasons let alone wondering if I will carrry to full-term. The last thing you need if you get pregnant is to have the stress of an interfering mother-in-law and a partner who seems more eager to please his mum than you. And do you want the kinds to have a grandma who might refuse to see them because they're not christened or who might be trying to 'sneak' them off to church if they go and stay with her overnight or at the weekend?

    Make sure before you go any further than your partner realises how you feel about this and how it could cloud your decision to have a child with him (well it would cloud mine) if there is already so much potential aggro brewing when you are only thinking about ttc.

    Best of luck with everything. :cheesy:
  • Hi there,

    From my own personal experience of having a MIL that knows best... If it isn't what you and your oh want then don't do it!!! The only people who matter in the decision making of your relationship is you and your oh.

    I have been there - different situation but the principle is the same and unless you are a saint you will only end up resenting MIL and oh - there are obvious consequences if this happens...

    Anyway sorry back on track - we had the same problem. MIL was shocked when no1 (born out of wedlock - and when drunk mil never had a problem calling her names...) we were asked about christening her. I said no. They do not practice a religion, oh doesn't practice a religion and I bet you could guess my own views... This didn't go down that well but I was in the mood for standing up for myself. No 2 was born and I was asked the same question - again a no. By the time no 3 came along she didn't think of asking - by then she had another bone to play with...

    While I can understand that you both have completely differing views on this issue - hopefully a good long chat should sort it out. However neither of you should feel guilty for expressing your views so it is important to be honest. I would agree that if he can't be bothered to take lo to church then what is he making a fuss about?

    My thinking was that religion (if you chose to have one) isn't something to be taken lightly - it isn't an insurance policy and therefore I feel once a child is 16 they are old enough to choose if/and which religion they wish to join.

    I currently have a 6 year old that would like to be a Hindu ;)


    There are humanist ceremonies - naming days if you want to have a "celebration" Then perhaps once they are older they could choose a religion?
  • Shambler
    Shambler Posts: 767 Forumite
    I would wait until the child is old enough them self to decide whether or not they believe in God and then they can also decide if they want to be christened/baptized.

    Labeling a child as Christian/Catholic etc. is senseless since babies have no idea what religion is, best to wait until they can make a decision based on what they believe.
  • Sumostar
    Sumostar Posts: 131 Forumite
    The whole basis of infant baptism is that it is an expression of the parent(s) faith until the child is old enough to express its own faith. During the ceremony you make promises to God to do certain things. If neither of you have no intention of doing them then it is hypocritical to stand there, in a place where people do believe in God, and tell lies.

    We all know that it goes on, but the fact that it goes on week after week demeans baptism for the members of the church who feel that it becomes a farce and often resent the practice.

    As a Christian I have far more respect for those who stand up for their beliefs and decide either to have a dedication ceremony / naming celebration or have nothing at all rather than those that don't. It doesn't mean that your mother in law can't take the child to church, and like the previous poster said, it doesn't make any physical difference to the child, it's only symbolic.
  • lilmisskitkat
    lilmisskitkat Posts: 919 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    Sumostar wrote: »
    If neither of you have no intention of doing them then it is hypocritical to stand there, in a place where people do believe in God, and tell lies.

    This is my reasoning exactly, i don't think it is right for us to have a child christened when there is no intention of bringing the child up religious and never attending church. Many people truly believe and go to church every sunday which is their choice, nothing against that at all but for us it isn;t right and i feel it would be making a mockery of the church

    Kate xxx
  • Eels100
    Eels100 Posts: 984 Forumite
    Here's my tuppence worth.

    We're in the same situation (except I'm pregnant) - neither of us attend church or have any sort of faith. My parents didn't christen me (their belief was that it was up to me to choose my religion, not them) but my OH was christened. His mum doesn't attend church but does believe and will expect a christening.

    I, like you, am absolutely unshakeable on this issue. My child will not be christened - it would not only be hypocritical of me to go down that route, but it would be solely to please MIL. She's a very lovely lady who I have a lot of time for but she's had her kids, this baby is mine, and choices for its unbringing are not hers to make. My partner fortunately agrees that christening would be inappropriate but is worried about how his mum will react. She's even got his old christening gown looked out (baby's not even due for another 2 weeks!) but I'm afraid this is one subject about which I feel very strongly. It's not for me to dictate my child's religion, especially since it wouldn't be one I believe in myself!

    My advice would be not to bend on this one. It's far too big a thing to go along with to make peace. There's no reason you can't be polite but firm about it, but importantly you need to get your OH on side. If he won't come away from his mum's apron strings now then at least you've found out before you were pregnant - what you do then is up to you.
  • belfastgirl23
    belfastgirl23 Posts: 8,026 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper I've been Money Tipped!
    I think if you (or your dh) aren't prepared to follow through with your child on this religious matter then you should not have her christened. What kind of example is it to her to make a load of promises in front of god that you would not be able to keep? I would point this out to your mother in law and tell her that you respect her religion enough not to want to lie to its representatives. In the catholic religion anyway anyone can baptise a child if they are worried about its immortal soul and I suspect a lot of RC interfering MILs have secretly baptised children themselves. Which if it gives them comfort is okay IMHO since it isn't about a showy ceremony...
  • hollyh
    hollyh Posts: 5,474 Forumite
    Hi

    I'm in kind of in the same position although no interfering mil thankfully.

    I've got and 18m ds who my oh has wanted christened since he was born.

    Oh was christened but doesn't go to church and hasn't since he was a child, I've not been christened and don't go to church.

    We have been arguing about this on and off since ds was born.

    I think it's hypocritical for us to have him christened and then never take him to church. Oh says you don't have to go to church to believe, and he'll go to hell if he's not christened.:rolleyes:

    I've said if he wants him christened he organises it all himself as i want no part of it. As nothings been done for 18months i guess it's the thought of all the work that's putting him off.;)
  • belfast girl - I was 'secretly christened' catholic when I was a baby by my grandma she told my parents it was a blessing (don't think it actually carries any weight and i'm not that bothered) so don't really think about it.

    I havn't had any of mine christened and won't do unless they ask to go to church, (i will take them to whatever denomination they wish - any religion infact) and as long as they truly want to do it then I'm cool with that.
    Proud to be sorting my life out!

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  • snowmaid
    snowmaid Posts: 3,494 Forumite
    To look at it from another angle. :p

    Your MIL would be comforted in having the baby christened. Your OH would like the baby christened, even though he doesn't attend Church. Obviously the baby being christened is something important to him even though he doesn't attend Church. So what? If the baby is christened, is it going to hurt it in some way? How is it going to harm the baby? All it is going to do is placate your MIL and therefore removing any 'weapon' she may have against you and at the same time, fulfilling a wish of your husband's. No harm done from what I can see.

    Then in the future should your child wish to practice catholicism they can do, having been christened, whereas if they never want to practice religion, they just don't go to Church!

    My daughter doesn't attend Church. She is having a baby end August. Although she doesn't attend Church she wants the baby blessed (we don't do baptisms until aged 8). She wants me to take her child to Church so that when he reaches an age to make a decision, it is an informed one, and not one based on ignorance.

    She is not losing anything by having baby blessed and baby is certainly not suffering either.

    Why cause waves when its not necessary. ;)
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