half brothers sisters meeting etc

georgieb_2

Hi,
this is a bit complicated i have two children from a previous relationship (if you can call it that!) their father was having a relationship with me and an 'ex' and we unknowingly got pregnant within 7 weeks of each other. it was very complicated and a bizarre situation.
my eldest is nearly six and has an austistic spectrum disorder which his father and his parents dont have a clue about nor try to understand.
anyway the oldest in all this is nearly 9 my son is nearly six the other child is nearly 6 and my daughter is 4. apparantly the oldest has asked to meet his half brother and sister.
I feel very uncomforatble about a potential meeting in view of my sons asd and his social skills problems and also my husband and i feel that there isnt much point really as they will unlikely meet each other in the next 6 years, and maybe the children need a better understanding of life.

its a horrible situation to be in and although i dont want to be ureasonable i dont want my children teased and made a fool of as i was bythe family and the ex etc. i dont feel i should agree especially as he does nothing with their upbringing at all except for playing dad for four hours on a sunday and would not have to deal with the fallout from it with my children.

anythoughts gratefully received
thanks

tiamai_d

Very difficult situation.

My Dad and his half sister met when they were younger. But they did not keep in touch. It was only later when they were both adults that they sought each other out again and now have a better relationship than most siblings!

All I would say is that if it is going to upset your children more than waiting a few years, then hold your ground and explain that while you know it is a good idea for them to meet, the time is not right. Don't get into a fight or argument about any of the other 'situations' going on, just stick to your reasons.

Good luck.

squashy

My kids have an older half brother and half sister and they get so much out of their relationship with them. It goes without saying that if anything happened to my Dh then I would want to continue the relationship they have with their half siblings. Can it not be arranged that next time your ex picks the kids up on the Sunday that he takes your kids plus his other 2 kids to the park together? Children take things in their stride and I am sure the other kids will just accept your son for who he is, just as they would in a classroom environment for example.

belfastgirl23

From the other POV...

There comes a time in life when no matter how much you have resisted having half brother or sisters you have to deal with them. Family deaths especially mean there's no way round it. When I was a teenager my half-sibs were born. I found it hard to handle emotionally and as they lived a long way away I distanced myself. Subsequent family events mean that I've had to deal with them a bit in the last couple of years and it is incredibly uncomfortable. I really wish I'd done some of this earlier before it got to the point where everything was meaning-laden.

The worst case scenario for your kids is having to deal with meeting their half sibs at their father's hospital bed or whatever. I think you should try to let them meet up if at all possible, just to have it done with.

BTW and believe me I sympathise but is some of this about you feeling uncomfortable for you about them meeting up? I know this was part of my reason for avoiding seeing my halfsibs, my mum wasn't exactly negative about it but I knew she didn't want me to and I didn't want to upset her. I wish it had been different now.

I hope it all works out for them. Life can be b***y complicated at times.

Curious_George_2

if your not happy with what it will do to your children, particularly your son then tell them its not the right time, its not going to kill his 9 year old to be told no,
if his real father doesnt understand (or doesnt want to understand) the condition then how are these young children expected to do it,
cant you explain to him in a similar way that you have told us?

family is complicated,
I have a half brother and sister that i havent seen since i was about 8 (am 30 now)
we got tracked down by my sister a few years ago and we spoke once or twice on the phone, it was so uncomfortable, i had nothing in common with her... not even our father who also hadnt seen her since the last time i had,
she was really bitter about him and said that not having him around had practically ruined her life... she really had issues with him and as he had always been the most attentive dad to me (overbearingly so sometimes) it felt like she was talking about the wrong man!
it was weird, we have passed a few christmas cards since then, but nothing else and she lives in a town about 20 mins up the road from me...

i cant say it bothers me though... the family i have got are dysfuctional enough without adding another branch of crazy to it!

louise_1981

Sorry I am confused by how you have wrote this, but my understanding is that your ex has a 9 year old and a 6 year old and you have a 6 year old with your ex and a four year old.

and the 9 year old wants to meet, I hope I have this right!

could you not offer to have the 9 year old, and maybe an aunty or uncle the 9yo knows. and you the the aunty/ uncle/ grandparent take them to the park or swings, maybe for 30 minutes to begin with and gently expose the older child, and of course your younger child, as it could be difficult having this new person coming into his life.

I understand his mother is not sympathetic, but it will be benificial to all children involved. eventually as the older child becomes more comfortable you can 'delete' the other family member and enjoy yourselves!

alternatively the older child will have his curisity satisfied,

snowmaid

You have to bear in mind that you and your husband could travel somewhere and get killed in an accident. Your children would then go to your ex.

I would rather have my children knowing their half brother and sister than not at all.

If we are honest with ourselves, we may find that what we are really uncomfortable about is the previous relationship and history and not the kids per se.

My parents divorced, both remarried and had kids on either side i.e. my half brothers and sisters on both sides. My half brother from my mom's side and my half sister from my Dad's side attended the same school! The teachers were so confused because they referred to eachother as brother and sister because I was their sister!!:rotfl: :rotfl: But, we have a good relationship as adults today.

Don't deny your children an extended family if possible.

Savvy_Sue

snowmaid wrote: »

You have to bear in mind that you and your husband could travel somewhere and get killed in an accident. Your children would then go to your ex.

Um, not necessarily and not automatically. There have been previous threads about appointing guardians which might be worth a read if that thought scares the OP.

snowmaid

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Um, not necessarily and not automatically. There have been previous threads about appointing guardians which might be worth a read if that thought scares the OP.

Oh yes certainly, if guardians have been appointed that is a totally different situation. Although, if the ex is capable of being a good parent, why would anyone give guardianship to someone other than the children's other parent?

seven-day-weekend

Yes, I would let them meet, initially briefly and under conditions that are within your control.

Then if anyone wants it, the meetings can be extended.

It is then up to the children whether or not they remain in contact when they have grown up.

dianadors

You need to do what you think is best for your children. If you thnk its too early, then stick to your guns. xx