Relationship Advice

*max*

Someone saying they are "commitment-phobe" is also very often a cop-out way of saying they aren't into you...It's the classic "I'm not ready for a relationship right now", which is more often than not followed by them getting into a relationship 2 weeks later - with someone else.

Edited to add: Don't play games like you are now, there is no such thing as "the 30 days no contact thing". You are saying it as if it was an actual expression, it's not. If you don't want to pursue it, don't contact him again - don't give yourself a deadline by which you will after a set period of time. It just renders the concept meaningless. If he wants to see you, he'll contact you - you've made it clear the option is open. If he doesn't, well.. brush it off and move on. Don't contact him to see if he's changed his mind. If he had, he would have let you know.

PlymouthMaid

First instinct for me was 'don't bother, not worth the trouble', Second thought was so long as you have fun when you see him and an on off relationship isn't a problem then just keep it low key. By 40 you don't really need to be wondering where it's going do you as hopefully the biological clock is a thing if the past and so there need be no pressure unless you want it. He can hardly expect you not to go out with other people too though unless he commits a bit more.

mgdavid

lantanna wrote: »

They do exist trust me - there are men & woman that flit about never settling down due to commitment issues the whole thing seems suffocating to them and they can freak out for various reasons and for a lot of people it is a deep rooted fear of getting hurt or losing control!!


In fact I used to be one myself in relation to relationships - I still am in relation to jobs & houses!!

How did you fix that?
TBQH neither of you sound like you have a lot going for you; perhaps you deserve each other, perhaps subconciously you realise that too. Perhaps you could try being a little more understanding of each other.

rachiibell

Whilst you're not contacting him make sure you're not just moping around waiting for him to get in touch with you. Focus on yourself and try and make time each day to do something you enjoy whether that's going out for dinner with friends or something simple like reading or taking a walk. Be kind to yourself and you will get through this. If you have the urge to get in touch with this guy then ring a friend or come on here and have a vent

System

Surely you will get to a point in your relationship where phone calls and real live meetings will take over from a texting relationship?

Texting/messaging is so limiting and too much can be implied that is not really meant. Theres so much more that can be said than whats in a message.

Poppy9

I was surprised when I got to the end of your first post OP to find out you were both in your 40s. I thought I was reading about a teenage couple's relationship.

If you want to give it another go then a face to face meet up is needed, else just walk away.

lantanna

Thanks to those who gave constructive helpful replies!!!


For the person that said neither of us sounded like we had a lot going for us - thanks for that!!!




I have been in relationships - my longest lasting 4 years. He has never had one that lasted longer than a couple of months and has never been in love - because he shuts himself off before it gets that far and avoids them due to fear of getting hurt.


I'm just going to get on with life - that's all I can do - take the hurt and disappointment on the chin and hope that he either decides its worth the effort to resolve quickly or that something better is round the corner.

SandC

Seems like you are both game playing - and I know that it's very difficult not to fall into that trap.

For what it's worth, I believe a commitment phobe exists - in so much as I reckon I might be one myself! From the point of view that you see so many people making commitments of one form or another - whether that be to be 'in a relationship', moving in together, engagement or marriage, that someone who doesn't do those things can easily be labelled as having issues rather than the ones who throw themselves into things. But for someone who has been recently very hurt and has trust issues - this is not my definition of commitment phobe, this is just someone who hasn't yet been able to become happy with themselves and get fully over the betrayal they suffered. It's nothing to do with commitment issues if what you are doing is giving mixed signals because you are not ready to be in a new relationship.

You need to decide whether you can put up with being in a casual thing as I don't really see this getting much better.

*max* was spot on with his post earlier. I have been there with someone who was messing me around, swore he was interested but actions showing otherwise. Asking me to be patient as his 'head was in a shed' and when I finally told him I'd got more important things to get on with and that I was moving on it was a matter of weeks before he started doing 'check ins' on facebook with a woman and he's still with her now, as far as I know. I resigned myself to 'he just wasn't that into me' as hurtful as it was. Because if he was then whatever his issues were he would've got around them.

I'm in my 40s too and it is no easier, in fact more hassle than when younger as there's less choice around!

lantanna

SandC - You are so right it is no easier lol


I did wonder was there someone else but I highly doubt it as he was the one that was banging on when we first met about only seeing one person at a time. He last went on a date 2 years ago before me so I doubt it. He has major trust issues with woman as from what he disclosed he was cheated on by the first two women he went out with - one of them with one of his mates. The one that happened two years ago he took her out and wined her and dined her big time and he found out she was dating other people as well. He told me for years he thought all women were the same and he didn't go near them but whenever he met me he felt like he had to try. He also works three jobs - I guess to keep himself busy its not out of necessity. So yes its a possibility but I doubt it - I imagine he prob would have just told me as he would know that that would finally get rid of me for good.


Its the mixed signals do my head in. Like when we have split he's texting me asking me did I meet anyone etc.


Anyway life goes on that's the only thing that you can be sure of and I will just have to see what happens

SandC

Oh I doubt from what you've said that he's seeing someone else - I don't think the bloke I was waiting around for was either - just that sometimes someone can't seem to get their act together with one person even though they 'think' they are into them, only for someone else to come along straight after and suddenly it becomes easy.

Just saying that you don't want to be *that* person.

Two years is not a long time to be on your own (I've been on my own 2 years and before that short fling it was 4 years since the last one) but it is a long time to be harbouring issues over how someone has treated you in the past.

Like you say, best just to get on with it and go with the flow. You will know the right time to say 'enough' if he does keep coming back and forth, I'm sure.