Relationship Advice

lantanna

Hey,


I will try and keep this brief!!! I would really appreciate some thoughts and advice from you knowledgeable lot!!


Basically I met a guy back in Jan and we dated on and off until the end of April. He is openly a bit of a commitment phobe and has been cheated on several times in the past. So he carries some open wounds but hey don't we all!!


Anyway we were kind of on / off for a couple of months - he threw his dummy out of the pram every so often due to getting scared I guess and I threw mine out due to his commitment phobic ways - the blowing hot and cold did my head in and really triggered my own self esteem issues!!


So the last time we saw each other he had ended it and then proceeded to keep on texting me and questioning if I had been out with anyone else etc and I thought right I'm doing no contact - not actually believing that it would work! Just when I was coming to the realisation that it was over - a full week later with no word from him - guess what he gets in touch and we met up. He's a very sensitive person and nothing was discussed - unfortunately he was going away on business the next day for a week and I felt wretched about the whole thing - so I ended up texting him and saying that we should leave it and that I wasn't going to sit about waiting for him to decide what he wanted etc. So that was that. So then when he came home - I contacted him, apologised for the harshness of the message but said that it needed to be said just not the way that it was said.


Since that we have had the odd text and I said to him that I would like to try and sort it out. He said he thought it was better left - mind you he said this before when he dumped me. I told him that there was no going back this time and that I needed to move on etc. I guess I was trying to gee him up into taking some form of action.


So in a nutshell that's where we are now - I have sent a couple of texts to which he has responded. But now I am going to go no contact again as its my only option I can see. He seems to like to be the one in control and I know that if he thinks he has me here - he'll be in no rush or worry.


I realise that this all sounds a bit crazy and I don't need any messages telling me to grow up etc - outside of this relationship there has been a few devastating events in my life recently which certainly haven't helped matters!


I guess we both find it hard to trust and are both very out of practice - however we get on like a house on fire when we are together its just been the texting that has been the problem and our individual issues!


So I guess what I am asking is would you just leave it now and go no contact??? No one has gotten to me like this in a long long time and I am gutted about the whole thing !


We are both in our 40's and before anyone says something about him coming back for bedroom action - that never happened btw!

atrixblue.-MFR-.

I think you already know what to do, and your post sounds like in a way you resent him holding you in a position where the door is half open and half closing on times, time to make the move on and upwards and leave the door shut indefinitely.

sax11

met in jan - ended in april and no bedroom action, no wonder he went :rotfl:

Joking aside, i have no other advice apart from go no contact otherwise you'll be bit part contacting in the hope that you get back together, can never move on if that is happening

Stevie_Palimo

Bin him off and find a real man who will happily respect you and not have any major hang ups like this one.

fivetide

Sounds like you know the answer. You've both said several times that's it and nothing more. Leave it alone I say, find someone who doesn't need so much hard work.

Get on well or not, it sounds like you don't have the spare mental energy to manage a high maintainece relationship.

princeofpounds

Sound like hard work, and you haven't even properly started yet.

You both sound like confused teenagers rather than 40 year old adults.

rachiibell

I think you're going to have to be blunt here. You want to give it another shot, he's messing you around. I would just ask him whether he wants to give it another shot and demand he gives you a straight answer. If he says yes then go for it but no game playing and no being off and on. You are either together or you're not and you won't accept anything less.

If he says no then you say you respect his decision and hope he can respect yours to cut all contact. Then delete his number, email, any contact info you have for him. If he persists in texting you then block his number. If he realises he's made a mistake he will make the effort to get in touch and change your mind. If he doesn't then he isn't worth it.

Good luck

lantanna

Thank you for your replies!


Re: the bedroom action - there was some but not the night he came back lol




Yeah I guess I've said my piece on it to him - he does know how I feel and I guess I am just sitting here now waiting to see if he will come back - which is sad!!!! I know I'm being a bit of a doormat but I do really like him and he is a decent guy!


Anyway I will go with the 30 days no contact and see what happens at least I can say I tried. There is absolutely no chance or me moving on or being interested in anyone else at the minute anyway.


Hey nothing ventured nothing gained!!

19lottie82

I'm sorry but I really don't believe in "commitment phobes".

If someone likes someone enough, they will want to make the commitment. If they don't, then they won't. Simple.

lantanna

They do exist trust me - there are men & woman that flit about never settling down due to commitment issues the whole thing seems suffocating to them and they can freak out for various reasons and for a lot of people it is a deep rooted fear of getting hurt or losing control!!


In fact I used to be one myself in relation to relationships - I still am in relation to jobs & houses!!

purpleshoes_2

lantanna wrote: »

They do exist trust me - there are men & woman that flit about never settling down due to commitment issues the whole thing seems suffocating to them and they can freak out for various reasons and for a lot of people it is a deep rooted fear of getting hurt or losing control!!


In fact I used to be one myself in relation to relationships - I still am in relation to jobs & houses!!

They may exist, but I dont see the point in someone who is openly commitment phobic getting into a relationship unless the relationship is very casual and both people are happy with that.

It's time he dumped his baggage. If something is that much hard work in the very early stages of a relationship Id have to ask is it worth it?