Relationship Advice

quidsy

what a lot of effort for some one who is basically a stranger. Draw a line under & move on

19lottie82

lantanna wrote: »

In fact I used to be one myself in relation to relationships

So, I'm guessing you met someone you liked enough to make the commitment?

DKLS

19lottie82 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I really don't believe in "commitment phobes".

If someone likes someone enough, they will want to make the commitment. If they don't, then they won't. Simple.

I dont believe in commitment phobes either, we all come with baggage some of us leave it behind or learn from it and some wallow in it like a hippo in a mud bath, which is this man?

If you fall for someone you have to take that risk however hurt you have been or been shat upon in the past and open yourself up to be potentially hurt again otherwise it won't work.

Leave him be and find someone who has more emotional maturity.

lantanna

19lottie82 wrote: »

So, I'm guessing you met someone you liked enough to make the commitment?

no I haven't but I feel now in my stage of life I would be open and less fearful of settling down when I meet the right person.

marisco_2

Stevie_Palimo wrote: »

Bin him off and find a real man who will happily respect you and not have any major hang ups like this one.

Nice! Real men can be left with awful trust issues, brought on by being in previous relationships where they have been cheated on, lied to and betrayed. It sounds like the major cause of the problems this couple have, comes down to this guy not being ready yet to place enough trust in someone, in order to be able to have a full relationship with them.

lantanna

marisco wrote: »

Nice! Real men can be left with awful trust issues, brought on by being in previous relationships where they have been cheated on, lied to and betrayed. It sounds like the major cause of the problems this couple have, comes down to this guy not being ready yet to place enough trust in someone, in order to be able to have a full relationship with them.

Thank you - very wise words and has made me think.

lantanna

You know I think part of the problem is that is tells me all the time that he is physically attracted to me and am also to him. The chemistry is dynamite and very powerful!




I think if he just didn't find me attractive I could find it a lot easier to accept or if he gave me a valid reason or told me he just didn't like me enough.


Folks I will keep you posted! Who knows what will happen - but I will go with no contact and for certain it will resolve itself in one way or another !!

toniq

Hate texting! Maybe call him, it is easier to hear the emotion in words than second guess from text.

You are also less likely to kick off over something minor if you are on phone rather than on text.

I refuse to live my relationship via text, Hubby calls me when he has a break or we wait to chat when he is home.

And an on/off relationship would do my head in, If I say I'm not going to respond to texts I wouldn't, It's head games otherwise which is very unhealthy.

marisco_2

I agree with you toniq. There is always the risk of things getting lost in translation when people communicate by text.

Confusedandneedhelp

Ye texting is crap. Calls are much better I find.

Anyway onto the meat if the topic. U were dating on and off for 3 months. That doesn't mean u have to label it as a commited relationship.

If u want that and he doesn't then that's not either persons fault, it's life. But if u are happy to play the slow game, then no reason to push a relationship onto him either.

Commitment phobia, isn't a 'fake' thing. Some people who have been hurt before, simply do not want to open up fully so soon. Ur in your forties, chances are both of u have had long, 2/3+ year relationships.

If he had a long term partner who cheating on him, that is a serious blow to trust, self esteem, even the view on life.

I've been cheated on before. It's hard to get over, even though I'm way wY way over the ex. It's affected my more recent, and more serious relationship. It was not the sole factor, but trust issues breed control issues, breed more problems.

I think the ball is in your court, as u are initiating the changes, ie casual to serious. So u get to choose whether u go seperate ways or if u feel u could wait for him.

If he went thru a particularly messy divorce for example, then that is usually a strong aversion to committing life to another person.

Similarly is recommend to him to speak to a therapist, it does give new perspectives. I wouldn't say it to him in a 'u need help, because if this or that', it's up to the individual to seek help. Sometimes people just don't know where to turn to get it though.