Bit of a niggle about a friend. WWYD?

Billie-S

Just a bit of a small niggle. I just wondered what people thought and what you would do.

I have a friend who I have known since young childhood (we are now both middle aged,) and we fell in and out of friends from about 6 or 7 to about 16. Then we fell out for 3 years and then became very close again, and even went on 3 holidays together and lived in a flat together for 6 months until she decided to go back to live with her parents as she got homesick.

Then we kind of drifted apart at about 22-ish, and I moved away from the town we grew up in. We never saw each other or spoke for 15 years, and then in the 2005-2006 region, we met up by chance in a popular large shopping centre. We had coffee and spent 3 hours catching up, and arranged to meet again.

Upshot is that we have been good friends again for about 7 years, and meet about every 2 to 2 and a half months for coffee or a pub lunch. We buy each other birthday and Christmas gifts, and she buys my 2 girls, and I buy her 3 kids (for Christmas only,..) At first (for the first one or two years,) she texted occasionally, if she hadn't heard from me for a couple of months, but the past few years or so, it's always, always, always me who texts first to say 'hi wanna meet up for our quarterly meet up?' I leave it and leave it and she never texts me. It's always me.

I know it sounds petty, but it's really niggling me. I last saw her in January, and I had contacted her first (again) and after that time, I thought I would see how long it is before she contacts me. She still hasn't. When I contact her, she seems keen to meet and always turns up and never lets me down, and she always buys nice gifts, we get on well, I am comfortable with her, and we have a lot in common, and pretty much almost 40 years of history.

She works 30 hours a week and has 3 kids still at home (although 2 are in their 20s,) and I know she has a big family, (4 siblings and 11 nieces and nephews,) and TBF, my 2 kids are at uni, and I don't work at the mo, so she is probably a lot busier than me at this point in our lives. But even when my kids were at home and I 'was' working, it was still me contacting her first. I have only been 'not working,' and with no kids at home since last summer, yet it's been the last 4 years or so that it seems to have been me always texting/contacting her first.

What would you do? Would you just contact her anyway, and accept that her not ever texting/contacting you first is just a minor flaw (if flaw is the right word!) and in every other way, she is a good laugh, always turns up, buys nice gifts, and is basically a pretty good pal? Or would you wait for her to contact you? Could it be she actually isn't that bothered about seeing me/meeting with me and just does it out of habit/duty?

I wish I knew what she was thinking: like is it possible that her not contacting me first - ever - is not being done deliberately, and that she likes seeing me, but is quite busy and doesn't think to contact me? Or is she hoping I will go away LOL? I mean, it's now been 4 months since we saw each other, and I wonder why she hasn't bothered to contact me after not hearing from me for so long. As I said, I always contact her - always - when a couple of months has passed since I saw her. By the way, we live about 30 miles apart in different towns, and I never bump into her.

Try not to be too brutal.

Ms_Chocaholic

I am glad I've found your thread as I am in a similar position except my friend has only 1 child but lots of extended family. I work in the town in which she lives, we both work part time, she is off work when I am at work which is perfect for meeting for lunch on my work days. Her child is school age so that doesn't prohibit meeting at lunch time etc but it's always me who texts her.

Sorry I can't solve your problem (as I have the same) but would love to hear of the views of others into our respective predicaments. Sorry to jump on your thread

Ms Choc x

fannyanna

I have this with my friend a bit. I feel that I am always the one making the first move.

I sometimes get slightly paranoid (after reading the "how do I dump my friend" posts on here) that she's not interested but I don't think that's the case. Like with your situation she's always keen to meet up and we do have a great time when we do.

I think it's just down to the fact that she is busy. I get a little miffed sometimes as I am also busy and get a bit upset that it often seems to be me making the effort.....but, I value our friendship so I just put up with it .

duchy

It sounds like life is very busy for her and time slips by . If she is genuinely pleased to hear from you and the meetings are always as good as ever then if you value her friendship it's probably a niggle rather than a flaw (and which of us is perfect anyway)

You could take offence and make a fuss or not bother and have no friendship at all as it may dwindle away ...or say "It is what it is" and continue to enjoy it for what it is.

Billie-S

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I am glad I've found your thread as I am in a similar position except my friend has only 1 child but lots of extended family. I work in the town in which she lives, we both work part time, she is off work when I am at work which is perfect for meeting for lunch on my work days. Her child is school age so that doesn't prohibit meeting at lunch time etc but it's always me who texts her.

Sorry I can't solve your problem (as I have the same) but would love to hear of the views of others into our respective predicaments. Sorry to jump on your thread

Ms Choc x

That's OK Ms Choc. Although I am sorry for your predicament, it's a bit of a relief to hear I am not alone.

Billie-S

Thank you Fanny and Duchy. Those are nice and helpful posts.

Mojisola

What matters is that it's bothering you so you need to do something.

I'd be tempted to contact her again this time and meet up. If she seems her usual self and not meeting you out of duty, either bring up the subject "I wasn't sure whether to contact you as we haven't been in touch for ages" or some such wording or, before you part, say "As I fixed up this meet, I'll leave it to you to contact me to arrange the next get-together".

balletshoes

Billie-S wrote: »

Would you just contact her anyway, and accept that her not ever texting/contacting you first is just a minor flaw (if flaw is the right word!) and in every other way, she is a good laugh, always turns up, buys nice gifts, and is basically a pretty good pal?
Or would you wait for her to contact you? Could it be she actually isn't that bothered about seeing me/meeting with me and just does it out of habit/duty?


Try not to be too brutal.

i would do the bit you've highlighted - as you said yourself, once you've arranged to meet up, she doesn't let you down, and you enjoy meeting her. If you want to see her, contact her .

pattycake

Do you value her friendship? That is all you have to ask yourself. If so, get in touch and accept that it may always be you doing the running but that her life is much more hectic than yours. If she is trying to cut you loose, she will have some excuse to prevent a meeting.

nearlyrich

If you want to stay friends don't sweat the small stuff, this is not a problem except in your head you want the friend to take some responsibility for arranging the meet ups. Some people are better than others about keeping in touch or arranging things to do. Most of my friends wait for me to call to arrange dinner or whatever as I have the busiest job and I am often away on business, I don't worry about this at all.

Billie-S

pattycake wrote: »

Do you value her friendship? That is all you have to ask yourself. If so, get in touch and accept that it may always be you doing the running but that her life is much more hectic than yours. If she is trying to cut you loose, she will have some excuse to prevent a meeting.

Well yes I do. As I said, she always seems keen to meet and never lets me down once we have arranged it. I would have thought that if she had gone off me, she would let me down gently; maybe not answer my messages or keep putting me off.

I guess as Mos said, I 'could' say 'do you wanna contact me when you're ready to meet again?' but I doubt she will LOL.