advice please !

theoretica

I suggest that her GP would be the best place to start. The things you describe could have a physical contribution too and it would be worth considering those as well rather than just self/internet diagnosing.

FBaby

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I don't think talking about how others cope working more hours than the wife is helpful.

Sorry if my post wasn't clear, that's not what I intended to express in my post. The first part was in response to something said earlier. The part about talking to her was not related to the above, but encouraging her to talk about what is on her mind. It might be that it is her mum stressing her and OP can help her realise that she doesn't need to be there for her to upload on her daughter whenever it suits her, it might be stressed at work and OP and she can maybe talk about her looking for another job, or just discussing how to manage it, or it might be triggered by not having grieved for her father in which case, grievance counselling might be the way to go.

Ultimately, when you are not well, the best thing a partner can do is recognise it, listen to them and discuss ways to make them better.

nicka99

hi all,
thanks for all your supportive posts - we have talked and agreed that she should a GP or counseller. Her company may also provide something (confidentially of course) so we'll look into that to avoid having to foot the private bill ourselves.

Hopefully the builders will be done in a couple of weeks so we can have our whole house back to ourselves rather than being confined to kitchen and bedrooms only - that will certainly ease the pressure a bit.

She went to see her GP a while ago regarding her tiredness. They ran some tests etc but didnt find anything so just put it down to a hectic schedule and not enough sleep !

We did also try to organise a joint visit to a grief counseller a few months back with her mother and sister but this was more for her mothers benefit due to the pressure she was putting on her daughters rather than for my wife's sake. Things had come to a head because she (the MIL) does not seem to understand that they have lost their father and that loss is just as great as her losing her husband. In fact she barely considers it at all.

We do have a spare room so Ill mention the au pair option but not sure our finances will really stretch to that - especially as builders are costing more than anticipated (blown the contingency and more!)

jackyann

Although I think that help in the house would be good, do please be very careful about an au pair. Having another adult around in any house (except enormous ones) puts other pressures on.
Also, what would you want them to do? Many think they can do child care, but they are really not qualified (usually) for managing more than the odd couple of hours.
I would consider general cleaning / ironing / daily type help, and maybe counselling.
Good luck

jenhug

Turn the phones off or on silent in the evening, her mother can call once a week. Your wife doesn't need to put up with an hour of stress on the phone every night. It will be difficult at first but your wife will feel better in the long run I think.

See if you can get a cleaner / ironing helper for a couple of hours a week. If you get them to come in on a friday for example, that leaves Saturday morning for a lie in, lazy morning. Incredibly important I feel, to just switch off and chill.

Do your food shopping online. Saves dragging everyone around the shops on a weekend when the world and his wife seem to congregate in the bread aisle in Sainsburys.

Finally, grief counselling can only be a good thing. But definitely ration the amount of time your wife has to endure listening to her mother whining down the phone.

TrickyWicky

Hi

Sorry I've not read all the replies but reading the op the first thing I thought was that your wife feels isolated and lonely.

You say you do everything equally and try to let her have her own time to relax.. well have you considered that this may be giving her time to dwell on things?

Kids are a huge commitment too, especially if you're feeling isolated. Kids can then be a burden / weight (sorry I don't mean that in a horrible way I'm just saying it as it is).

Do you have anyone you can leave the kids with for a week or two? - Do it. Take time off work both of you (even if you have to call a sickie) and take the woman away somewhere. Get out, do stuff, go see things. Remind her that life with you is GOOD! Your wife really needs you right now. Carrying on with life as if its normal while she's putting herself through hell isn't going to help either of you. You need to take charge, be a man, show you are strong and help her through this.

Seriously, go away together for a bit, reconnect, reassure and fall for each other again.

Sounds simple and old fashioned? Sure but life is incredibly complicated these days don't you think?

luckycat99

Cruse offer free bereavement counselling and are very good.