advice please !

System

The things that jumped out to me from the first post were:


- Fatigue/tiredness


- Inability to keep on top of things/tasks


- Grieving


From my personal experience I would say that the tiredness is a by product of the other two. Fix the other two then this one is fixed.


In terms of the other two - there is nothing you can do about grieving. It takes time and your wife is unfortunately going to have to go through that pain.


It is the middle one that you can focus on. Best thing to do is write down all the tasks and then prioritise them. Set goals to achieve these and then keep on reviewing them one by one and dropping items off that just can't be completed (or swapping items between yourselves to see if that works).


What I would say however is that your first port of call should be your GP. If tiredness has set in then get the tests done for common causes of those. If those are eliminated then seek help for the anxiety and work through managing the situation.

CRANKY40

Center parcs babysitters are excellent by the way. When my husband was alive we always used to book a babysitter and go for a meal. Worth every penny.

About the kids...I honestly believe that mothers hear the moaning/whinging at twice the volume that fathers do. I bought my son a dvd player for the car when he was small because I couldn't stand the moaning and crying every time we went anywhere. His dad said to ignore him and he could...whereas every
trip I made with him ended in me wanting to dump him at the side of the road, hence the dvd player which kept him quiet. (I love him really by the way and he's 9 now and I've never left him at the side of the road, honestly :rotfl: )

Relocationrelocation

If you can afford it, I would recommend some sessions with a private therapist - talking therapies (CBT) did me the world of good when I was experiencing some issues that sound similar to your wive's. Sadly, the NHS couldn't refer me as there was no recourse for it in my borough and i didn't want to go on antidepressants. Some therapists will give you reduced priced treatment if you are on low income but I paid £40 a session (in london - may be lower elsewhere in the country). It really helped me a lot.

jackyann

Bless you for doing the best you can!
Lots of good advice here. 2 things I'd like to add:
1. although this is a signal that your wife needs some help, don't worry too much about the kids in the short term - if they are basically OK & loved, they'll do all right.
2. I agree that therapy might help, but it should be chosen carefully. I would say the best person to ask at first is the Health Visitor, who may be more experienced in this field than the GP.
Either can point you at the kind of therapy needed (which you can then consider doing privately).
Also worth looking at the MIND website which can take you through the steps.
I'd hope that this would help set some boundaries with mother.
Good luck!

pelirocco

nicka99 wrote: »

hi all,
Im not sure if this is really the place for it but hoping for some advice…

. We both work – myself fulltime and my wife 3 days per week – both jobs are quite demanding with long hours at times and travel away from home maybe once per month each.

We both contribute equally to the normal household and family duties – cooking, tidying, cleaning, ironing, putting kids to bed/taking to sports/parties/play dates/making packed lunches etc, homework, filing, trying to stay fit, DIY, shopping, sorting out bills/childcare etc – her 2 days off work entail getting kids to/from school and looking after them outside of school time and otherwise doing more of the aforementioned items !


She doesnt have 2 days off work , she spends them working at home by the sounds of it .

Can you hand on heart say you both contribute equally ? ( I know quite a few men who say they contribute equally , but have found they dont quite appreciate how much more their partners do )


Tbh Im not surprised she is tired , young children are not just physically tiring , but mentally too ( if not more so )

Add into the equation working as well , them I'm not surprised she is tired , the death of her father , which will have then brought about extra worries about her mother on top of her normal day to day stuff is enough to tip anyone over the edge

FBaby

She doesnt have 2 days off work , she spends them working at home by the sounds of it .

She does have two days of work and that makes a massive difference especially when on those two days, the children are at school. It might not mean that she can sit in front of the TV or sleep for 5 hours, but it will mean that she doesn't have to get ready for work, put make up on and dress smart if she doesn't want to. It means that if she had a bad night, she can come home and decide to go back to bed for a few hours. It means that she can organise her days as she wants and not be accountable to any one.

One of my close colleague had to start working full-time after her partner lost his job. Despite the fact that she looked after her two children or the two days she had off and that her partner now does all the cleaning and most of the cooking as he is at home, she says that she can't believe how much more tired she is now working full-time and can't wait for her partner to find work again so she can go back to working three days.

Saying that, ultimately, your wife seems to be not coping and there might be different reasons why that you don't know about or understand. Does she talk to you about her being exhausted and/or low in mood? Surely before considering counselling, the first step would be to encourage her to open up to you and you to listen so you can help her?

jetplane

Has your wife tried bereavement counselling? No matter that's it years ago never underestimate the effects of unresolved grief.

GeekPetite

As someone who received counselling several years after the death of my mother, I can honestly say that it was the greatest help to getting my life back. I had fallen in to depression and wasn't coping with everyday life any more. Together with anti-depressants, counselling was the turning point for me. The medication got my sleep patterns back to normal and gave me enough motivation to get the help I needed, but the counselling was where the healing really took place.

That said, I think it worked for me because I realised I needed help. Counselling is a two way process, and if only one party is actively participating it won't help. If your wife feels that she would like counselling, then you can get it free on the NHS for a limited period. I was very lucky and whilst I paid for mine, it was on a "what you can afford" basis.

I would advise talking to your wife about how she feels she's coping. Ask her what she needs. She might feel rail-roaded if you suggest counselling. It's tough, as she might feel she's doing fine, but getting the help before you realise you need it means you just fob it off (or that might just have been me).

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read the other replies, but she sounds depressed, grieving and also unresolved issues regarding her mother. I really would recommend going for counselling. She needs it herself, but I wonder if it would help if you popped along sometimes together.


If you go to BACP website you can find a good counsellor in your area.


Do you have a spare bedroom? If so it might help to get an au pair for a few months. With the long school holidays ahead it might help to have another pair of hands in the house. The au pair could get the house sorted and help with the children while your wife is working, and then she could take a day off when your wife is home, or the au pair look after the children while your wife has some down time.


Don't struggle along with the day to day chores. If you can't do the au pair, get a cleaner, send the washing out to be ironed. Go to Cook and get ready made meals. Whatever you do find short cuts to life

Counting_Pennies_2

FBaby wrote: »

She does have two days of work and that makes a massive difference especially when on those two days, the children are at school. It might not mean that she can sit in front of the TV or sleep for 5 hours, but it will mean that she doesn't have to get ready for work, put make up on and dress smart if she doesn't want to. It means that if she had a bad night, she can come home and decide to go back to bed for a few hours. It means that she can organise her days as she wants and not be accountable to any one.

One of my close colleague had to start working full-time after her partner lost his job. Despite the fact that she looked after her two children or the two days she had off and that her partner now does all the cleaning and most of the cooking as he is at home, she says that she can't believe how much more tired she is now working full-time and can't wait for her partner to find work again so she can go back to working three days.

Saying that, ultimately, your wife seems to be not coping and there might be different reasons why that you don't know about or understand. Does she talk to you about her being exhausted and/or low in mood? Surely before considering counselling, the first step would be to encourage her to open up to you and you to listen so you can help her?

I don't think talking about how others cope working more hours than the wife is helpful. When I had PND I was just told to be grateful I had two healthy children. If I could have I would have, but I was in the grips of depression. Mental health is a totally different ball game, and if someone does not understand it, it really can be enormously unhelpful when suggested actually you don't have it so bad!