advice please !

nicka99

hi all,
Im not sure if this is really the place for it but hoping for some advice…

Im married with 2 children (4 & 7) and concerned about my wife's mental health and ability to cope with life and this is really started to impact our relationship and her attitude towards the children. 3 ½ years ago her father died aged 74 and she took it very hard as was much closer to her father than her mother. Even before then she has always been someone who seems to struggle to stay on top of daily life by which I mean irritable, constantly tired, shouting at the kids and me, very intolerant (e.g. the oven beeping, radio on, kids playing loudly...). We both work – myself fulltime and my wife 3 days per week – both jobs are quite demanding with long hours at times and travel away from home maybe once per month each.

We both contribute equally to the normal household and family duties – cooking, tidying, cleaning, ironing, putting kids to bed/taking to sports/parties/play dates/making packed lunches etc, homework, filing, trying to stay fit, DIY, shopping, sorting out bills/childcare etc – her 2 days off work entail getting kids to/from school and looking after them outside of school time and otherwise doing more of the aforementioned items !

We try to incorporate some downtime also such as going out as a family, visiting or entertaining friends and the occasional TV watching (but lucky to get half an hour per day). When I say ‘equally’, I really do believe that neither of us carries a greater burden than the other and she agrees on this also – Im a very hands on dad and never one to sit idly on the sofa watching TV expecting my wife to do everything around me ! Our kids can be ‘challenging’ at times, particularly bedtime but probably no more so than anyone elses. Given her temperament lately, I try to give her as much time as possible to relax – having a bath, going to the spa, going out with friends, going to the gym (which she enjoys, unlike myself!), lie-ins at the weekend – rarely reciprocated but if it keeps the peace I believe it’s a price worth paying.

She doesn’t have a great relationship with her mother, who is a very needy and self centered woman, even before her husbands death. My wife gets very stressed out every time she sees her such that it can take her days to recover. She has just started a relationship with a new man who no one in the family (or her friends) really approves of – not because there is anything wrong with him as a person but it turns out he has some degenerative illness that she (the MIL) appears to be in complete denial over. Since she spent 2 years nursing her husband until he died, no one wants her to go through it all again for a man she only just met – it sounds callous but we are trying to protect her from the inevitable suffering that will ensue.

Lately we’ve had builders doing some work on our house which has added to the normal stresses and, combined with the anniversary of her deceased fathers birthday, this seems to have tipped her over the edge such that shes had to be sent home from work after bursting into tears in a meeting. If this was something that had been going on a few weeks Id understand but its really been getting progressively worse for months – shes shouting at the kids when, in my opinion they’re just being kids, seemingly in a permanent state of exhaustion, very short with me, unable to get anywhere on time, unable to prioritise tasks and quite irrational on occasion.

I rarely say anything against her any more as its not worth facing the barrage that follows. She is obviously grieving for her father and her mother situation is making matters worse. Im quite a robust person and can put up with quite a lot but my wife seems to take (or make) everything a lot harder, regardless what it is – I don’t know if Im being selfish wanting things to be better. I realise life is not a bed of roses and grieving can take years but finding it difficult to know if I should just ‘grin and bear it’ or try to find a solution – whether that’s counselling or something else !

thanks for listening – if anyone has any advice then Id love to hear from you !

pennypusher

You could suggest your wife sees her doctor and explains how she feels. He may be able to help or send her to someone who is able to.

mountainofdebt

Sounds as if she could do with some counselling.

As for her mum -are you sure she's in denial? Or does she need someone to care for?

CRANKY40

Give her a big hug and tell her you wish you could make it better for her. She sounds just like me in year two after my husband died. I was so bad in the end that I used to apologise to my poor son even before I got started snapping at him. Mild anti-depressants did help a bit. I was a lot nicer once I was talking them.

I also have a big old house and the building work that we had to have done on it made me cry even before my husband died. The mess and dust was horrendous. Actually, I'd like to give your wife a big hug myself. Even if the kids are just "being kids" could you not ask them to be a bit more thoughtful as mummy is upset and missing grandad? Is there any chance you and her could get away for a quiet weekend? Maybe one of thoise adult only hotels to give you a chance to talk to her and sympathise with her?

pmlindyloo

We both contribute equally to the normal household and family duties – cooking, tidying, cleaning, ironing, putting kids to bed/taking to sports/parties/play dates/making packed lunches etc, homework, filing, trying to stay fit, DIY, shopping, sorting out bills/childcare etc – her 2 days off work entail getting kids to/from school and looking after them outside of school time and otherwise doing more of the aforementioned items !


Just reading this made me feel stressed

When do you slob out in front of a DVD with a bottle of wine?

Without sounding too judgemental I am wondering if you are trying too hard to do everything. Being the 'yummy parents' type thing.

First of all arrange that weekend - just the two of you. Chill out and then try to discuss cutting down on some of the things that you and the children are doing, particularly while the builders are in.

There really is no need to be filling every hour with the things that you mention.

The other thing that I am wondering is if you are your wife actually have different ideas about parenting. Just a couple of things that you said about their bedtime and being noisy. Perhaps you are more relaxed than she is.

Just a few things to throw into the pot.

As usual this is about communication. You need to have that talk and maybe bring up a few of the things I've mentioned.

As regards her mother you need to discuss this too. Perhaps you can persuade her to 'back off'. The mother's a grown woman and must do what she wants.

sooty&sweep

Hi
What does your wife say about it ?
I suffer from anxiety and to be honest if I don't keep it under control I mentally turn every molehill into a mountain. I then struggle sleeping which then means I'm tired which makes me worse and it all snowballs.
To be honest it sounds like your wife is suffering from something similar.
In the end I took myself to my GP who prescribed antidepressants and also counselling which has helped.
However first of all your wife needs to recognise their is a problem and want to do something about it.
Jen

nicka99

hi all,
thanks for the replies so far !

yes, my wife acknowledges she has a problem but thinks it will be solved by a bath, trip to the gym or an early night. Whilst this might help for a few hours its doesnt help long term. Ive been averse to bringing it up before but really think that now is the time to seek some professional help or acknowledge that perhaps even medication might be required.

yes, I admit that we dont help ourselves - we have very little quality time just to together just as a couple - perhaps we fall into the 'yummy parent' category at times but its hard know what to cut out - the washing up wont do itself, the kids cant go to school with clothes covered in yoghurt, they need to do their homework, we need to eat... We dont get a lot of support with the children as my father has cancer so mum already has her hands full and, as for the MIL, the less we see of her the better if Im honest. Any 'help' she provides we end up paying for twice over as she'll overstay her welcome, be very demanding and leave you emotionally drained ! That leaves paying for babystting which is very costly or asking friends for help which Im a bit uncomfortable with and of course have to return the favour some time. We both have siblings but they're far too far away to assist.

As far as parenting goes - we both have a consistent approach regarding behaviour, bedtime routine etc but I just react less when they dont listen rather than my wife who will lose her cool very quickly ! So yes, Im more relaxed but only in my reaction - not in my approach.

Last night we booked a 3 day break to Center Parcs in a few weeks so hopefully we'll get some time to chill out there and talk things through - both with the kids but also once they've gone to bed.

We have agreed to try to see the MIL as little as possible. She knows our views on her new partner but still always wants to try to bring it up again and try and convince us he's not really that ill, they get on well and shes not good being on her own.

good_advice

Try getting out a bit more. Take the family to a woodland area/park. Take kids scooters/ball to burn their energy. Good for the wellbeing.
Get everyone in the garden - sunshine works wonders.

I know what you are saying though. People have to want to change
Oh can go from bed to lazy boy lie down chair and tv. Then back to bed.
No amount of advise helps.
The good weather helps.

Georgiegirl256

nicka99 wrote: »

She doesn’t have a great relationship with her mother, who is a very needy and self centered woman, even before her husbands death. My wife gets very stressed out every time she sees her such that it can take her days to recover. She has just started a relationship with a new man who no one in the family (or her friends) really approves of – not because there is anything wrong with him as a person but it turns out he has some degenerative illness that she (the MIL) appears to be in complete denial over. Since she spent 2 years nursing her husband until he died, no one wants her to go through it all again for a man she only just met – it sounds callous !

Yes it does sound callous. You say there is nothing wrong with this guy as a person, so that to me indicates that he's a fairly nice bloke, but no one really approves because in your minds, 'you're trying to protect her'. Don't you think the mother deserves a life of her own without interference from anyone? You're just going to make things worse if you interfere, and in turn make more anxiety for your wife, especially as she doesn't have a good relationship with her mother to start with.

Anxiety is a horrible thing and I really feel for your poor wife. It seems like she might benefit from some professional help like some counselling.

Morglin

Let MIL make her own choices, and perhaps see if your wife will see her GP.

It is exhausting working and rearing kids, and some cope better than others.

Perhaps she would be better looking for a job that is less demanding?

Lin

nicka99

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Yes it does sound callous. You say there is nothing wrong with this guy as a person, so that to me indicates that he's a fairly nice bloke, but no one really approves because in your minds, 'you're trying to protect her'. Don't you think the mother deserves a life of her own without interference from anyone?

we would be delighted to leave her to get on with her life but she makes this impossible through her own doing - she will call my wife or her sister most days (normally when we are trying to get the kids to bed) and talk for at least an hour about whatever (mostly trivia) she has been doing and ask for an opinion on each and every decision she might have made or need to make. It doesnt matter what view you have, she will take the opposite or do the opposite - if she doesnt ever take the advice from her daughters then she shouldnt ask for it and leave us alone to get on with our lives. I know this comes across as very harsh, particularly as she has lost her husband, but it really is a case of her imposing her situation on us, not us meddling in her life without being asked. She will never enquire about what we are doing or how we are - its just 'do you think I should get my car serviced in garage A or garage B' or other such minutiae...