how to help - toxic relationship

hamaradam

[/QUOTE] I fear that once she decides to distance herself by sacking him, he's going to become even more of a nuisance than he is now. She needs to be wary. Very, very wary. He's not going to like being cut off and he's not going to like not being able to write his own pay-checks either. Which is likely what he's been doing all along.[/QUOTE]


Yes, I would agree with this. I think he became very manipulative, and cleverly engineered things in such a way that jobs got half done and he began something else, in order to keep the jobs going...

Morglin

Pay tradesmen and keep it strictly professional.

This guy sounds deluded, and your sister needs to cut all contact, and if he becomes a pest, threaten to tell the daughter he is hiding the phone from.

Lin

hamaradam

Mojisola wrote: »

She's allowed the lines to blur so much that he obviously thinks he's in a serious relationship with her, even if she thinks he's just a workman.
.

Yes, this is exactly what the root of the problem is, I think. She is so busy herself, that she is exhausted and had not drawn up a kind of timetable/plan of what needs doing, when and what needs buying for it.

She kind of 'not purposely' allowed the lines to blur when she became more like a friend than an employer.

Equally, she felt sorry for him when his wife died and did little bits for him, a bit of his washing, a bit of his cooking for him to take home, , sewing repairs etc, all i may add for no payment! I think this has caused a problem too. Thanks for all the varied and interesting replies, it always really helps to hear others views and suggestions.:beer:

Mojisola

hamaradam wrote: »

she felt sorry for him when his wife died and did little bits for him, a bit of his washing, a bit of his cooking for him to take home, , sewing repairs etc, all i may add for no payment! I think this has caused a problem too.

These aren't things you do for a workman - it's no wonder he thinks he's in a relationship!

hamaradam

In the meantime she - Tara has got a lock fitter coming to do the locks she is changing all four, patio, front and rear main, and porch doors, to be on the safe side, he has never used a key but she has gone to the shops before and left him in the veg patch so he could have easily popped and got one cut at that time, anyway she has used 'check a trade' each is costing £109 inc vat, to change as it is a whole new lock being fitted, each one, and they are taking the old ones away for safe keeping, which is very kind. That is one less worry.

No he is not at all violent, as he is retired and a bit unsteady due to arthritis in his back and knees. So i don't think he could beat her up or anything, I think on that score as well, Tara used to do kickboxing (quite a while ago) so is able to defend herself if push came to shove. I think it very unlikely though.

carefullycautious

He may have some form of dementia starting. However, your sister needs to keep a professional distance from any future work/odd job man.

Also if there are any problems she could ask the local police to have a word.

Toucan_Pecan

Any update on this? Is the guy still hanging around?

treeze

I wouldn't be having any sort of contact with a man wo asked if I'd been a prostitute! Apparerently this is a come-on line to some men. I had a nasty experience with a neighbour in my flats recently who hinted he thought I must be on the game as he obviously heard my partner and me-who I happen to have been with for 5 years- only the second man in my life too-moving around at bedtime shall we say.Obviously thinking I woman of a certain age must be desperate..a very nasty experience.

moneysniffer

hamaradam wrote: »

I think in an ideal world, if she had a husband he'd need to take time off work and do all the jobs then after that get a handyman whenever required.

So how come they charge so much money if 50% of the population are natural born handymen
Joking aside, people learn to do these jobs, it doesn't matter what set of genitals you might possess. It might be easier for your sister to learn these things herself, instead of waiting for the off-chance that she meets a man who happens to be good at DIY What happens if she gets a husband who can't do DIY :eek: God forbid!

(Just to clarify, my post is meant to be in good humour - I am just hoping you were joking too!)

paddy's_mum

hamaradam wrote: »

he sadly lost his wife although in the year before this happened he was constantly making passes at tara


even threatens to end his life....

The man is a creep of the first water! Didn't your sister spot his grubby old mac?

"Sadly lost his wife.." No sadness to him, apparently, if he was chancing his arm with your sister or is that what they both thought of as loyalty? Sordid!

What to do now? Either manufacture a row and end the friendship that way (which will allow him to save face as he can blame her for being spiteful) or go to the Police.

I'd be going the police route at the same time as I also let his daughter know of the suicide threats.

Manipulative old git but she needs her leg slapped for colluding in her own mistreatment. If she cannot spread herself thinly enough to cope with a job, the livestock and gardens as well as a money pit of an old house, then she needs to make changes and not allow herself to drift into such an unsavoury, and dangerous, situation again.