how to help - toxic relationship

hamaradam

My sister split up with her boyfriend nearly ten years ago but has remained friends with him. I'd have called him a likeable rogue and she sees very little of him though things are amicable. It was a hard act to follow and she hasnt really had a boyfriend and didnt feel ready to.

In the meantime she has needed a man about the house for house repairs/maintenance, and after several unreliable/cowboys, found a great one, ten years older than her. Through a shared love of horses. He is retired, he sadly lost his wife (although in the year before this happened he was constantly making passes at tara.) She kindly told him she just wanted to continue the friendship simply as he being the paid handy man to do 2 days a week to supplement his pension. And she'd cook him a dinner from time to time., as he was living on kebabs and chips. This was how it has been. She didnt want to upset him.

Now, he has his family to care for him, 2 grown up daughters one who lives with him. Tara just likes it as friends. Which has been fine so far. Now the handyman who we shall call ted - has began treating her like she is his girlfriend and is becoming like a strict father to her...he has bought a secret phone to text tara on so that his daughter doesnt know, i dont know the reson for this whether its he feels its too soon after the loss of his wife or something more sinister regarding the daughter that lives with him.

I think it is becoming very toxic, as he insists she texts him almost constantly, which is unreasonable, even when she is busy at work sends her texts like 'oh you can speak to customers but you can't speak to me can you'...he accuses her of allsorts if she doesnt text him and even threatens to end his life.... he complains that she lets the dog on the sofa, if she speaks to anybody she knows when they are out and about, (she doesnt drive, soo once a week pays him to take her shopping,) tries to get her to rush about so that he can then sit drinking tea and imagining that they have the sort of relationship that just isnt there. He has even asked her if she had been a prostitute before:eek: as she knows a lot of people due to living in the same area all of her life and having had seven different full time jobs usually retail, so she is naturally bubbly and chatty. (how very insulting)

with her being on her own she finds it hard to get a reliable handyman, and ted is both skilled, clever and resourceful. He is a fair price too, however I have noticed she is becoming withdrawn because he is openly rude to her friends because its like he wants to have her all to himself and has alienated her, i think he behaves a bit like a 'bunny boiler'.

She needs advice on how to proceed, as I think its very disfunctional and he needs help. She has suggested that he join an adult education class do courses as he is illiterate, (though a genius with manual tasks) and meet new friends and interact with older people but he flatly refuses.

I want to help but without upsetting anybody. Any advice appreciated thanks.

trolleyrun

He is illiterate but texts her all the time? How does that work?

How bad is her house if she needs a handyman twice a week?

Get rid of him and try checkatrade or similar for what needs doing.

LutonGirl

I think I'd put up with a few dripping taps rather than continue any sort of "friendship/relationship" with this psycho. She set the bar of his expectation by accepting the "secret" mobile phone. Give it back, get back any keys and cease contact.

This behaviour isn't normal.

PS: Just re-read the OP. Seems the guy got the secret phone, not Tara. Apologies for the misunderstanding. However, I still stand by the "cease contact" advise. The girlfriend/strict father bit is very disturbing too.

Mojisola

LutonGirl wrote: »

I think I'd put up with a few dripping taps rather than continue any sort of "friendship/relationship" with this psycho. She set the bar of his expectation by accepting the "secret" mobile phone. Give it back, get back any keys and cease contact.

This behaviour isn't normal.

I'd change the locks as well just in case he's made copies.

tea_lover

Tell him to do one and change the locks. Sorted.

*max*

Where does she live that she needs a handyman 2 days a week every week? A crumbling ruin?

This is very, very weird. She needs to tell him this arrangement is stopping now, and she will get someone in to help as and when, and it won't be him. What a bizarre set up.

It's like Mills & Boons meets Stephen King.

hamaradam

Thanks for replies, i have just managed to compose myself after reading *max* reply, thats quite hilarious, :Dand yes it is rather like that, i'd made comparisons to catherine cooksons novels myself...thanks for making me laugh *max* you're a star!!:rotfl:At a later stage we could get our heads together and do a novel/film/book? based on it, changing all names though!

But seriously now, I feel I must explain further of the situation,

when i say illiterate, I should have explained that he cannot spell at all, she gets texts at 1130pm like 'me very tyred' and 'me go fo petrull'......nor do mathematical calculations, (hence too much unused diy materials lying around etc. money wasted). And that Tara thought he'd benefit from learning/socialising. It wasnt as a critisism more an observation.

Were does she live, in a ruin (Tara) - no, *max* - it was badly maintained previously before, and lots of things needing attention, guttering, drains, gardening,, fences, new windows and doors, lighting, electricals, plumbing, all which ted has done very well I have to say in all fairness, and its a large old property as well, there are lots needing doing and constant maintenance. I think in an ideal world, if she had a husband he'd need to take time off work and do all the jobs then after that get a handyman whenever required. I think ted spins jobs out sometimes as well. Plus a vegetable patch and orchard and chickens and 2 horses - all fine when the ex lived there as well as they did half and half you see. Also as we all know one job always leads to another., also old style houses have old style things and you cannot easily get replacement parts for alot of stuff, ie old aga, so jobs pending/not completed rather a lot, no central heating, overloaded electrics, previuosly just one plug point in each room, that kind of thing.,and bakelite switches and lightbulb holders.

As some of us may be aware when you have a property that starts to fall into disprepair then neighbours peer over and complain and councils take you to court, and even more so you are targeted if you are non conventional, which is true of Tara. She was anxious to avoid a situation escalating into being taken to court for non repair of property and making her neighbours all upset when they climb up the fence to look in.

Thanks for replies so far folks!

Horace

She should get rid and change the locks. Cease all contact.

I know what it is like being a woman on your own (yes despite my MSE name I am female) and the need to find reliable tradesmen - they are about and they are not Ted because they respect the boundaries between client and supplier. The people that work on my house, I found via word of mouth - they are totally trustworthy too.

It is worrying that there are still Bakelite switches in the house - the electrics must be really old and probably unsafe, this should be a priority repair at the hands of a qualified electrician.

warehouse

It's not difficult OP. The man is a parasite and needs removing from her life. She needs to be an adult and tell him to leave her alone, stop responding to texts and if necessary report his behaviour to the Police.

Only she can do this.

thehappybutterfly

*max* wrote: »

It's like Mills & Boons meets Stephen King.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Indie_Kid

warehouse wrote: »

It's not difficult OP. The man is a parasite and needs removing from her life. She needs to be an adult and tell him to leave her alone, stop responding to texts and if necessary report his behaviour to the Police.

Only she can do this.

And block his number.