how to help - toxic relationship

pinkduvetdiva

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Toucan_Pecan

He sounds VERY CONTROLLING. Can she just tell him flat out that she doesn't want to be contacted as he is becoming a nuisance? Deary me, I hope he doesn't become more stalkerish. He's not aggressive is he?

brenda10

hamaradam wrote: »

My sister split up with her boyfriend nearly ten years ago but has remained friends with him. I'd have called him a likeable rogue and she sees very little of him though things are amicable. It was a hard act to follow and she hasnt really had a boyfriend and didnt feel ready to.

In the meantime she has needed a man about the house for house repairs/maintenance, and after several unreliable/cowboys, found a great one, ten years older than her. Through a shared love of horses. He is retired, he sadly lost his wife (although in the year before this happened he was constantly making passes at tara.) She kindly told him she just wanted to continue the friendship simply as he being the paid handy man to do 2 days a week to supplement his pension. And she'd cook him a dinner from time to time., as he was living on kebabs and chips. This was how it has been. She didnt want to upset him.

Now, he has his family to care for him, 2 grown up daughters one who lives with him. Tara just likes it as friends. Which has been fine so far. Now the handyman who we shall call ted - has began treating her like she is his girlfriend and is becoming like a strict father to her...he has bought a secret phone to text tara on so that his daughter doesnt know, i dont know the reson for this whether its he feels its too soon after the loss of his wife or something more sinister regarding the daughter that lives with him.

I think it is becoming very toxic, as he insists she texts him almost constantly, which is unreasonable, even when she is busy at work sends her texts like 'oh you can speak to customers but you can't speak to me can you'...he accuses her of allsorts if she doesnt text him and even threatens to end his life.... he complains that she lets the dog on the sofa, if she speaks to anybody she knows when they are out and about, (she doesnt drive, soo once a week pays him to take her shopping,) tries to get her to rush about so that he can then sit drinking tea and imagining that they have the sort of relationship that just isnt there. He has even asked her if she had been a prostitute before:eek: as she knows a lot of people due to living in the same area all of her life and having had seven different full time jobs usually retail, so she is naturally bubbly and chatty. (how very insulting)

with her being on her own she finds it hard to get a reliable handyman, and ted is both skilled, clever and resourceful. He is a fair price too, however I have noticed she is becoming withdrawn because he is openly rude to her friends because its like he wants to have her all to himself and has alienated her, i think he behaves a bit like a 'bunny boiler'.

She needs advice on how to proceed, as I think its very disfunctional and he needs help. She has suggested that he join an adult education class do courses as he is illiterate, (though a genius with manual tasks) and meet new friends and interact with older people but he flatly refuses.

I want to help but without upsetting anybody. Any advice appreciated thanks.

Controller.......GET RID ASAP.!!!!!!!!DANGER!!

gilett

Everyone seems to be looking at the man as the problem here but how about looking a little deeper? Rather than focusing on all the external bits that need repairing, perhaps your sister needs to focus on what needs repairing within herself?

Clearly she is getting some sort of emotional payoff from her 'relationship' with this man. I would suggest it is unhealthy for both of them to partake in this any longer. Maybe she is just desperate for someone to look after her emotional needs and does not realize it?

People tend to 'attract' situations when they themselves have unresolved issues. Just a thought.

rainbowfairydust

so is it the bloke who has the secret phone? What phone does your sister have? On some of the newer models there is an option in which to block numbers.

Failing that - sack him and find someone else.

egoode

Rather than him going on a course maybe she should find one for herself on how to do your own household maintenance and then she won't need a handyman so often. Even if it's a old house I can't believe it takes someone 2 days a week to maintain it. The other option is if it's so difficult to maintain then she should sell and buy a newer house that's easier to look after.

BitterAndTwisted

She's the one who has allowed the employer/handyman relationship to change into something else. He's obviously delusional but she's colluded in this by going along with it. Extricating herself is going to be a million miles more difficult than how she got here.

I fear that once she decides to distance herself by sacking him, he's going to become even more of a nuisance than he is now. She needs to be wary. Very, very wary. He's not going to like being cut off and he's not going to like not being able to write his own pay-checks either. Which is likely what he's been doing all along.

Mojisola

hamaradam wrote: »

I think it is becoming very toxic, as he insists she texts him almost constantly,

he accuses her of allsorts if she doesnt text him and even threatens to end his life

He has even asked her if she had been a prostitute before:eek: as she knows a lot of people due to living in the same area all of her life and having had seven different full time jobs usually retail, so she is naturally bubbly and chatty. (how very insulting)

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

She's the one who has allowed the employer/handyman relationship to change into something else. He's obviously delusional but she's colluded in this by going along with it. Extricating herself is going to be a million miles more difficult than how she got here.

Ain't that the truth?

Why on earth did she let things go when the other things happened? If my lovely OH started "insisting" that I texted him on and off all day, I'd wouldn't do it. If a "handyman" suggested it, that would be the last contact we'd ever have.

She's allowed the lines to blur so much that he obviously thinks he's in a serious relationship with her, even if she thinks he's just a workman.

She will need to be very explicit with him that all contact has to finish and be careful of her own safety for the next few weeks. A controlling character rarely gives up easily.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Could she not enlist the help of the ex to explain to the guy that he is no longer required and will not be contacting her again under any circumstances?

dancingfairy

She needs advice or you need advice on how to help her? If you need advice I'd say gently point out to her that it's a bit weird (very weird) that he insists on texting her all the time. It sounds like he has issues and is isolating her from her friends and family.
Make sure she knows that you will be there for her no matter what.
you might want to get advice from a womens charity on how to deal with family members being isolated from you. She also could seek help from someone like Womensaid.
df