My mothers behaviour

FBaby

She sounds to me like a bitter woman angry whith her life and how it has turned out and can't stand people around her being happy so she makes sure to put them down as much as she can. I suspect her illness has a lot to do with it. Is she in pain? Because pain is horrendous and it is easy to feel resent others who are lucky not to experience it.

Unhappiness can make people very unpleasant. I'm not sure if your mum can be helped or whether it has become who she is. Either way, you need to build a brick wall around you so you don't take it personally and tell yourself that your mum probably does love all you deeply, but is struggling with internal battles. Maybe you could try to make her see that being kind is much more likely to bring her love and care that ultimately will make her feel much better than the satisfaction she might think she gets at upsetting people.

Any

People can only be helped if they want to help themselves.
Life is too short to be kicked around all the time and then go in for more kicks.
Do you want your daughter to be called a slag? Also develop eating disorder? Or something worse?
I don't subscribe to this rubbish that as someone is bound by blood to us we have to take anything from them.. even if damaging long term.
I am with your husband. No need to live miserable existence, and definitely no need to submit the rest of the family to it either.

moomoomama27

My Mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2009. I was very supportive of her, and attended all her appointments. She lied to us about her prognosis and we spent a few years believing she was terminal. That is not the case.
She is not in pain, taking any medication other than tamoxifen.

Her behaviour has been like this for years, not just snce the illness. Her treatment of my eldest daughter is very like how she treated me growing up. I have told my daughter it is her choice to visit, but have had to speak to my mother on more than a few occasions about what she has said to my Daughter.

My mother has shown support on and off, but as quick as she says something nice, she will say something nasty.

I would like to help her, but she doesn't acknowledge that she has any faults. Unfortunatley she is bitter, and quite spiteful. If anyone is having a bad time she top trumps them with her illness and says how ridiculous anyone is, try living with cancer.

Anytime I go to her with a concern she screams in my face she is ill. Again this has been going on for years, before she had cancer it would have been something else.

I'm at a loss. I'm keeping her at arms length for now, because I've got a lot on my plate right now, and need to keep stress to a minimum.

Thank you for the replies, it's given me a lot to consider.

whitewing

With my dad, who can't speak about someone else without being nasty, I say in a conversational tone, why are you so nasty all the time? If I am annoyed, I say, you are being nasty - pack it in.

But ultimately, I do limit my time in his presence.

BigAunty

This forum has quite a few threads from posters who have experienced extremely abusive behaviour from the off from their parents with a common lightbulb moment that they may suffer from Narcissism which means their parents are controlling and demand constant attention and this includes exaggerating illnesses and being jealous of their grandchildren and adult childrens' partners.

See if you can uncover those threads and the links that they provide to see if anything chimes.

Of course, my post is just speculative and so I apologise if I'm leading you down a false path.

moomoomama27

Just looked up the definition and unfortunately that's her down to a T!

Armchair23

I'd try not to get too distracted by the whole my Mum is a 'narcissist' 'psycopath' or whatever issue.

She is what she is and that's what you live and deal with.

It can be unbearably hard to deal with family that just don't fit the bill. Sweet grey haired granny, loving mother, all that stuff that for many of us is just a dream.

Do what you can and feel able to do for your Mum but don't feel guilty if you don't meet her expectations. And without setting out to upset her and score points just be a bit more honest in your responses to her.

It might come as a bit of a shock to her when you start to 'answer back' rather than just going along with her stories.

It's not an easy job and I send you all my best wishes and hope that things can improve.

elaine373

Whilst I realise it must be upsetting for you, how about thinking about what you can do for her instead of thinking about what she cannot do for you. If she is displaying these types of behaviour then she is almost certainly not fit to babysit anyway. And as for your hubby saying cut off contact..... Well what a lovely chap he is. She needs help, that is clear.

moomoomama27

With respect Elaine, that's exactly what I have been doing for many years! I've been so supportive and helped her constantly, even when she has put me down.

My husband is a lovely chap! He is just frustrated seeing me constantly in tears and upset. He's upset that despite depending three solid months caring for her, washing her, helping her eat, clean doing shop, she turns round and tells everyone I'm useless. Please don't think my husband is not caring, he's just trying to protect me from hurt.

I couldn't cut her out completely, but for now I am cutting contact down.

BigAunty

Armchair23 wrote: »

I'd try not to get too distracted by the whole my Mum is a 'narcissist' 'psycopath' or whatever issue.

She is what she is and that's what you live and deal with.

.

I haven't read all the specific narcissist threads and the online links provided on this topic.

However, I assume that aside from mutual support she will get from other victims of narcissistic type behaviour, a way to vent about it to those who understand, there will be advice on how to deal with this type of domineering behaviour, recommended strategies to minimise the hurt and damage they can cause.