My mothers behaviour

moomoomama27

Since falling ill in 2009 my mothers behaviour towards me and my family is getting hard to bear.

She used to be really supportive and pay an interest in the grandchildren, but since falling ill, and forging a friendship, where she is being used ( for money at times), she's become very hurtful. She no longer pays attention to my two youngest, no calls, visits or texts. She is verbally abusive to my teenage daughter when she visits, telling her she is a slag for having a boyfriend, for example! On the very rare occasion I gave asked her to help with looking after one of my children if they are poorly and I have to work, she screams down the phone telling me I'm a bad mother and should put my children first. Of course I would phone in if I couldn't find cover for the children. She puts me down, and has done all my life I developed an eating disorder in my late teens because I was made to feel so worthless by her!

My husband tells me to cut contact, but because of her illness I feel I can't, but I'm at a point where I'm feeling under lots of stress. She goes round telling people untruths about me, and tries to be controlling, using her illness to make me feel guilty.

I font know what advice I'm really asking for, just need to get it off my chest.

AnnieO1234

How old is she? This sounds like the beginnings of a dementia type syndrome. Perhaps you could speak with her GP in confidence, they'll obviously not tell you anything directly but will listen to your concerns.

Xx

moomoomama27

She's only 54. Unfortunately, her behaviour has been like this since I was a teenager, so she would have only been in her 30s at the time.

My grandmother told me she suffered mental illness in her teens, and was medicated, but when I have tried to approach this, she goes berserk at me. So I don't know if it is related, or if it is just that she has a spiteful, controlling nature?

Primrose

Could you take her out for a walk or a cup of tea somewhere, tell her that you sense things have changed between you and ask her if she has any particular worries or concerns which seem to be triggering her change of attitude towards you. She will either be honest or just blow up so be prepared for the latter, in which case you may have to tell her that you can,t cope with her behaviour towards you any .onger so will be easing off contact between yiunforma while to give things a chance to calm down. You have your own life to lead and fami,ynto look after, so your own health deserve some priority. Do you have any other relatives who could intervene and try to ease the situation?

marisco_2

Unless your mothers illness is a life limiting one, at just 54 years old she could be around, making your life a misery for decades. If you do decide to stay in contact then you have to accept you will never change her. She seems to have suffered, and made those around her suffer, for many years. All you do have control over is how much contact you maintain with her and how you allow her approaches to affect you. Keep in mind that as she gets older and her illness progresses, she may become harder to deal with. Could it be of benefit to you to look into some counselling through somewhere like Relate? This could enable you to come to terms with what has gone on over the years, and work out strategies to move forward in a way, that makes life more pleasant and easier to handle.

betsie

Just too say, although rare you can get Alzheimers very young. This can make people very verbally rude and aggressive.
It may be worth talking to her doctor about her behaviour.
My parents both have dementia/alzheimers but luckily neither are angry/abusive but from reading other peoples problems on the alzheimer forum many are. There is a man on there in his 20's who has been diagnosed with this horrible disease.

ska_lover

It could be that your mother has had mental health issues all her life, and they haven't been ever dealt with properly

What illness has she got? it may help to shed some light, I mean when people are in pain/worried etc, it does make them more snappy

As a result of an injury a few years back, I ended up on morphine which barely touched the pain I was in, and I am told I was a complete nightmare to live with, always snapping and moaning

Blackpool_Saver

Your husband tells you to cut contact does he? hmmm, nice of him.
Sounds to me like your mum needs help, like other people have said, if her needs have never been addressed perhaps now would be the time to do that.....

JIL

In your post you say you developed an eating disorder as she put you down all your life. She calls your daughter a slag for having a boyfriend. You say she used to be supportive but changed after being ill. How long was she supportive for? It sounds as if the behaviour of being supportive was out of the norm and she has just returned to type.
If you are sure she is not poorly, then you have some serious decisions to make.

PeacefulWaters

Menopausal. Possibly.

BitterAndTwisted

Or just plain selfish, unreasonable and unkind?

I'd be paying attention to your husband's suggestion and cut down on contact or cut it out altogether.

Your primary responsibilities are your children and your spouse, and not your mother.