What would you do RE Friends

bagpussbear

Do you ever ask any of them, as a group, or individually to go out, go places etc?

Sometimes you have to just put yourself 'out there' more to develop friendships, rather than just wait to be asked. If you do ask from time to time, do they take you up on your offer?

Being an afterthought isn't nice. You mention you see one lady more than the others, so do you feel that you could perhaps bring the subject up with her?

troubleinparadise

I'm with Bagpuss on this, sometimes you've got to make it happen for yourself.

You may not be on the top of the list with the others, but at least they're thinking of you sometimes.

Instead of waiting to be asked to join in someone else's arrangement, make the the arrangement yourself - think of something you want to do, and invite others to join in.

That way you're a bit more in control, and it might make you a bit more part of things.

I quite like being a bit on the periphery of several different groups - you can dip in and out, it mixes things up a bit, I don't have to commit too much time, and if there is the odd personality that doesn't match me very well it doesn't matter - and who knows, a new good friendship might come along. If not, you haven't lost anything.

Keep going, it isn't easy, and sometimes the only thing you have in common with someone is that you have a child the same age - but at least its spending the time with someone else rather than being on your own (as long as its enjoyable!).

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read the other replies, but I wonder if because they are all at the same stage of motherhood that they meet up and spend their time talking about their experiences.


There is nothing more bonding than talking about birth experiences and the different stages of babyhood. I think it might be that they don't feel they have as much in common with you, than the other group.


Have you tried instigating the meet ups? Or saying next time you all meet up it would be lovely if your were able to tag along too. It might be that they don't think you would want to waffle away in baby babble having done it three times.


I know come baby number two I was done with all the NCT groups. I didn't feel I connected.


Also though it might be necessary to accept that some friendships come to a natural end.


hth

Hermia

I'd also be interested in whether you ever arrange the group outings? If you never do, maybe they think you are not that interested or involved.

If you are a very insecure person you may also be reading too much into their behaviour. As others have said maybe they feel they are at a different baby stage than you. I think it is quite normal for a group of friends to go off and do things in smaller groups based in different interests etc.

Big_Tree

They aren't asking you as 'an afterthought'......

The problem is you are so paranoid that you've convinced yourself that they're asking you as 'an afterthought'........

Your perception and the reality of the situation are two different things I believe.......

The problem is your low self-esteem......

If they didn't want you there they wouldn't ask you at all.

MidLifeCrisis_3

neneromanova wrote: »

I typed something long out but thought it was too waffly so here goes again :rotfl:

Would you want to stay friends with people who didn't invite you out when they all got together and only thought of you as an after thought?

These friends all had their babies later than I did (I'm on number 3, they're on number 1).

OH says just forget them, they've hurt you enough by doing this so many times. So does my mum. But I just can't get over the fact that when we're all together we all seem to have a good time. I think we do from my perspective, but I don't know if they put on an act then !!!!! behind my back. (I have low self confidence when it comes to friends, always think they talk about me behind my back saying horrible things) I just don't seem to be able to make friends, even down DD's school. I have people who I talk to, but no one really wants to spend time with me, or go out for coffee or anything. Where as if I asked one of the other friends, she'd always say yes to meeting me.

Urgh, I'm waffling again....This probably makes no sense at all.

What would you all do?

I do feel for you having had similar experience, except in my case it was one woman excluding me and all the others going along with it behind my back. I still arranged things and included her too, as I had always done, but she carried on regardless. My friends seemed a bit embarrassed about it, mostly because I always tended to find out about their latest outing, but they still went along with it every time and tried to hide it from me. I've no idea why she started acting like this, my OH thinks it's because she wants the others all to herself and we don't fit with her image as she is a Hyacinth Bouquet type. Now I choose to no longer arrange things with them socially or accept their invitations and I also go out of my way to avoid them in the playground where I can as this woman hangs round them having cosy chats about the next social event she is organising. Basically I only have a natter with them at kids parties/playdates now and the stupid thing is they think they are all so clever at being discreet :rotfl:

The only thing I will say is that some mums can be a bit overprotective around their babies and worry a bit too much about older kids being more boisterous. Maybe this is what's happening in your case rather than anything more sinister?

I would say if you enjoy their company then arrange some meet ups/outings yourself, but if they then keep on excluding you then they're really not the type of friends worth having.

mildredalien

Perhaps arrange to meet the one woman you are most friendly with and mention casually that you seemed to be a bit of an afterthought to arranging to meet recently, see what she says? You don't have to make a big deal of it, but it's worth explaining that you felt a bit unsure and wanted to check that they know you are up for meeting and would like to spend more time with them?

There could be lots of reasons they didn't invite you or thought of you later, but I'd gently try to find out a bit more before writing them off. Are there other times that they have invited you at the same time as everyone else? It's easy to focus on the negatives and the times you felt hurt!

duchy

MidLifeCrisis wrote: »

I do feel for you having had similar experience, except in my case it was one woman excluding me and all the others going along with it behind my back.

Ugh
What is it with these kind of women.
There's one in a group I know and I know she played all kinds of mind games with another woman excluding her from stuff and then insisting she'd told her about it. She was really trying to mess with her head. The other women in the group are all lovely and seem to work around her but I really don't understand why they put up with it. They must see it . A power game of a really insecure woman I suppose. I just keep clear I can't be bothered with such nonsense.

I don't this is what is going on with the OP though as she feels excluded from her pre Mum friends AND the playground m-afia! (who knew m-afia was a banned word !!! lol)
I do think Mums of young children do tend to socialize more with other Mums with kids the same age as it is just more practical -I think if you don't make a new social group when your little one is a baby - especially if you are the first of your group to have a baby then it does become more difficult.
It sounds more like some of your friends are in contact more because their kids are of an age and they are the ones organizing and asking everyone else -rather than you are an afterthought.

In the playground - Do you initiate conversations or are you a little bit shy-and could that shyness be perceived as stand offishness ? Do you smile and say hello - or wait for other people to do it ? Could you get more involved in the school to get to know people....like join the PTA, volunteer for events - that kind of thing ?

You sound like you are feeling a little bit isolated......could you perhaps have a touch of depression that is distorting how you're seeing things a little bit perhaps ?

luxor4t

MidLifeCrisis wrote: »

.......

The only thing I will say is that some mums can be a bit overprotective around their babies and worry a bit too much about older kids being more boisterous. Maybe this is what's happening in your case rather than anything more sinister? .......

^ This was my thought too.
I have three children, and at times my oldest was at the younger end of a group of friends' children, meaning my two younger children were seen as being 'too young'. With another group, he was 'too old' whilst the other two fitted in better.


I think the suggestion to arrange something yourself is a good one.

dandelionclock30

I'd be looking towards trying to meet new people and make new friends so your not as dependant on this lot. Then it wont matter what they do because you will have other people to hang out with.
With this existing bunch I would just leave them to it and go along if and when you felt like it. Not be waiting around on invites as that gives them control over you in a way. I wouldnt waste my time wondering about it all. Its not worth it, get yourself to the library/sports centre and see whats on in your local community.
I would'nt be asking any of them anything, that would make you look needy and bothered, and if someone is a bit nasty then they will love that.