Watching the Tommy Cooper Story - has anyone accepted their husband's lover?

Toucan_Pecan

I'm watching this story about Tommy Cooper's life - I've loved him since I was a kid and think he's hilarious, but learning about him having an affair and wanting to keep his wife and his mistress makes me feel uncomfortable.

Is this in some way an abusive or disrespectful situation if both women love a man? I think so much has been invested by his wife that it would be hard to throw it all away. Is there any way you would put up with this situation as either the wife or the mistress? Has anyone been in this situation? It feels distasteful, but is it wrong?

marisco_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

Is there any way you would put up with this situation as either the wife or the mistress?

No matter how much time and energy someone had invested in a relationship, I question why they would want to remain in it, once it became obvious that it was now an emotionally destructive one. The only reason someone would stay with a man who chose to degrade them like that, is if they have no self esteem or sense of worth left. A normal and healthy person would not put up with such contemptuous and belittling ways.

Toucan_Pecan

marisco wrote: »

No matter how much time and energy someone had invested in a relationship, I question why they would want to remain in it, once it became obvious that it was now an emotionally destructive one. The only reason someone would stay with a man who chose to degrade them like that, is if they have no self esteem or sense of worth left. A normal and healthy person would not put up with such contemptuous and belittling ways.

Is that considered idealistic for some though? Has anyone here experienced this first hand?

JIL

I know someone who had really liked a girl for a very long time but she married and had a couple of children. He accepted this and they remained friends. He moved in with a lady an hours drive away. His mother was not in the best of health so he would come back to his home town most weekends. Sometimes his girlfriend would come. Sometimes not. He had a child with his girlfriend.
Time passed and his first love and husband split up.
Fast forward to the present day. For the past fifteen years he has continued to live with his girlfriend during the week but at the weekend he lives with his first love. He goes on alternate holidays with each of them. His first love will even drive over to the girlfriends house to pick him up on a Friday.
The girlfriend was poorly following an operation and it was accepted by all that he would stay and look after her, as her health improved he went back to his weekends away.
Its not something I could do but its not my business. Its a different way of life but its lasted far longer than many marriages.

notanewuser

marisco wrote: »

No matter how much time and energy someone had invested in a relationship, I question why they would want to remain in it, once it became obvious that it was now an emotionally destructive one. The only reason someone would stay with a man who chose to degrade them like that, is if they have no self esteem or sense of worth left. A normal and healthy person would not put up with such contemptuous and belittling ways.

Biologically speaking, monogamy is an unnatural state for humans.

Toucan_Pecan

notanewuser wrote: »

Biologically speaking, monogamy is an unnatural state for humans.

But doesn't this tend to translate as "monogamy is unnatural for men"? I don't know many stories of husbands accepting their wives lovers.

notanewuser

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

But doesn't this tend to translate as "monogamy is unnatural for men"? I don't know many stories of husbands accepting their wives lovers.

There is at least one polyamourous female on this forum.

I'm open minded enough that I wouldn't feel disrespected or maltreated if my husband wanted to have additional partners in the future. I might even fancy doing so myself. So long as there's agreement, its nobody else's business.

Tiglath

Two generations of my husband's family moved the mistresses into the family home at the invitation of the wife. It didn't end well either time. The second time the mistress was younger than the husband's children. Have to say though that both mistress-relationships stood the test of time, long after the marriages were over - 50 years until death in the first instance, and 25 years so far in the second. It's not something I would tolerate - I'd far rather be on my own if I'd so misjudged my husband and our life together.

Cottage_Economy

I might put up with it under certain circumstances.

If my other half got the occasional sexual freak-on about something I wasn't willing to entertain fulfilling myself, but a mistress would, then possibly if our life together was good the rest of the time.

I'm afraid I'm a bit vanilla in my tastes in that respect, so if he wanted to bounce off the wall in a nappy he won't be doing it with me.

marisco_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

Is that considered idealistic for some though? Has anyone here experienced this first hand?

I think its a normal expectation that the person you marry stays faithful to you for life. Otherwise what is the point of committing to each other and taking vows? If you are happy to be in an open relationship then that is something entirely different.

notanewuser

marisco wrote: »

I think its a normal expectation that the person you marry stays faithful to you for life. Otherwise what is the point of committing to each other and taking vows? If you are happy to be in an open relationship then that is something entirely different.

People vow "till death do us part" but get divorced. Things might change down the line which make you reassess.