Do I Have To Have A Service/Funerla?

Snapelover

I am not religious, nor do I enjoy being centre of attention and I have thought about how I would like things to be done after I die.

Ideally, as soon as I die I would like to be cremated straight away, or as soon as possible after my death, no service or funeral. Our local crematorium is a religious building and, even if I was to have a family member or friend handle the service, it would still be in a religious building, which I don't want.

I would rather my family not have to deal with the 'limbo' in between me dying and the service/funeral.

Crabapple

I don't think there is any requirement to have a service, only thing legally is that a body is properly buried or cremated.

However, do consider how a service feels for the family & friends left behind. It is a good opportunity to say goodbye and get some closure and you should perhaps discuss this wish with your loved ones and see how they feel.

You can have humanist services with no element of religion if that is your main concern.

Flugelhorn

In what way do you feel the crematorium is a religious building? Most are used by people of all religions and none - I think sometimes relatives are happy to have some element of religion at this time - TBH it makes little odds to the person who has died. having said that, you can have a humanist service or indeed no service at all. Some people have a funeral in church and then the body is taken for cremation - sometimes loads of people go, other times it can be none or only the immediate family - it is up to the individuals concerned and makes no difference.

As far as immediate cremation is concerned, there is more paperwork / form filling for a cremation (currently 2 doctors + crem referee, though all this is due to change soon) and this takes a few days at the very least, particularly if bank holidays and weekends are involved (I may verify a death on a friday evening, doctor forms will be done Monday / Tuesday, registrar will also probably be Tuesday )
I have had to arrange a couple of services in the past and both were at "bust times of the year" in both cases the wait was over a week. Appreciate it can be hard for family having to wait a few days but it can give them time to plan / people to travel etc.

getmore4less

For some crems the paperworrk is not the issue it is the waiting list over 2 weeks is not unusual.

If you don't want the "family" to deal with things then get a a funeral director in advance and explain what you want. allthough the "family" can decide to do what they want once you have gone.

There are other practical iisues like where when which can scupper any plans you make.

You can just be sent off to the crem and not have any service.

marmitepotato

When my sister died in South Africa, she left behind instructions that she did not want a religious ceremony. We held a memorial service for her at a local hall, we played her fave music, recounted funny stories about her, and sang her fav song together. Her picture was next to some flowers, but her coffin was not present. She was cremated a few weeks later but we didn't know the exact date, the funeral director just let us know when her ashes were ready to be collected. If you can 'like' a funeral then I liked this way of doing things.

TomsMom

I think maybe I have a strange way of thinking about death and funerals. Just today I told my family that when I die I don't care what happens to me and I'd be happy for them to put me in a black bag and shove me in the dustbin. This comes after my mother passing away last week and discussing her funeral with my brother, and my husband passing away 2 years ago and wishing for a non-religious funeral.

My husband was adamant, no hymns, no prayers, no minister, no-one to talk about him who didn't know him. His parents are very religious (as are everyone else in his family) but my husband wasn't. They were not happy about having a non-religious funeral for him but I told them he was the only one I had to please that day and as it was the last thing I could do for him then I was going to carry out his wishes. I chose a crematorium with the most beautiful views which I know he would have loved, three songs from our collection that were appropriate and dignified (I didn't go as far as Queen's Another One Bites The Dust out of respect for his parents). I found some poems about passing away that weren't mournful and one was quite amusing. I wrote and spoke the tribute. There was a rector who was needed really to introduce the service and I asked him not to wear his clerical collar, not to bring religion into it and that he could come in jeans and a t-shirt if he wished. He understood completely and he removed everything religious from the room, there wasn't even a cross in there. When I explained what type of service was required to the funeral director he recommended this rector as he was "a bit of a rebel" and my husband would have liked that!

As for my mother's funeral which will take place in a couple of weeks, my brother has organised it at the crematorium closest to where she lived. She wasn't religious but he is having a minister speak about her who didn't even know her. He's chosen two hymns that are probably the most popular ones for funerals yet she'd not set foot in a church for donkeys years other than for weddings and funerals (neither has anyone else in our families). She didn't even go to her friends' funeral who died tragically after over 50 years of marriage because she "couldn't be bothered". Personally I find religious funerals in these sort of circumstances to be quite hypocritical.

As far as I'm concerned my memories of people are in my head and that's all I need. For my own funeral, I shall leave it up to my children. If they want a service they can have one but I will insist it is non-religious and that they have one like I organised for my husband. If they don't want one then that's fine too.

Snapelover, I would have a word with your local funeral director(s) and discuss what you require with them, I'm sure you will find them very helpful. There are pre-payment funeral plans and you may be able to set this up. Then make sure your wishes are clear in your will and also let your family know by giving them a copy of either your will or a letter setting out what you require.

Not everyone will agree with you or me or anyone else who holds views like this, but we are all different and as far as I'm concerned it's each to their own. People can remember you in their own way, they can have a get together somewhere without an actual service.

madbadrob

TomsMum,

I think in this day and age these types of funerals are becoming more popular. I went to one a few years ago (the first non religious) and half way through the deceased's children who I had grown up with walked out of the crem and returned with three crates of the deceased favourite beer. They passed one to each adult mourner and when we had all opened the cans they had us stand around the coffin and drink a toast in his name. I know this guy would have loved this because he loved a drink on a friday night and could be seen struggling to get home.

I personally dont care what happens to me when I go and I will leave it to my kids to decide but I suspect they will choose a non religious service for me

Rob

travelgran

When my MIL died the body was taken by the undertakers to the crematorium. We stayed for a few minutes listening to some music my husband had chosen, got up, thanked the undertakers and left. No service needed.

Snapelover

Crabapple wrote: »

However, do consider how a service feels for the family & friends left behind.

Isn't this supposed to be about my wishes though, not theirs?

Flugelhorn wrote: »

In what way do you feel the crematorium is a religious building?

A massive cross on the wall, stained glass arch shaped windows and dark wooden wall panels and pews. Need I go on?

getmore4less wrote: »

If you don't want the "family" to deal with things then get a a funeral director in advance and explain what you want. allthough the "family" can decide to do what they want once you have gone.

It's not the paperwork that bothers me but I suppose I could get all that sorted and it's just one thing less for my family to deal with. So are you saying that the family can over ride my wishes? If so, what is the point in me sorting anything out then?

getmore4less wrote: »

You can just be sent off to the crem and not have any service.

That's what I want.

I do have a cousin who is a funeral director so I suppose I could have a word with her as she lives local and will know all the possibilities available to me.

irishjohn

why not just donate your body to the local medical school for research

Snapelover

irishjohn wrote: »

why not just donate your body to the local medical school for research

I have always been happy to allow medical students in on consultations etc. whilst alive but as I have a fear of dying I am not really sure about how I would feel about being chopped up.

I am not donating organs when I die so this, to me, is similar.