Husband won't forgive

hettiecarro

Hi
That's a good first step from MBNA - they have been known to be difficult in the past. Maybe show OH that by dealing with this you are making inroads into the situation - hopefully eventually he will come on board.
Hope things are settling down a bit with OH.
Keep us updated on your progress - a problem shared etc!


Hettie

themull1

So you owe owe £27,000 and he owes £54,000? what has he spent his money on?

rubyinthesky

No, he owes the same as me, more or less. A garage conversion, car, and a caravan plus stuff for the house. Yes, living beyond our means. We don't go on holiday apart from the caravan. He says he made a calculated decision and knew he could afford it. Funny thing though, he told me things with his work were unsettled so I tongue in cheek said, "So you might not be able to afford your debts. At least you know StepChange could help you!" Told him I felt alone in this last night too.

Considering it's our 'one last try', things aren't going great!

Heffi1

A word of caution, as your debt begins to reduce he will no doubt be a little jealous that he has not taken your lead and done the same thing.

If you were to separate then all of the debt jointly would go into the pot to be split 50/50 between you, so you would end up paying off his debt as well as your own if things did not improve.

I would be having a talk to him to say that if he does not buck up his ideas then you would be giving him notice to move and not the other way round.

He is obviously blinded by having his head firmly stuck in the sand, but you never know he may start to see the stress reduce in you and you start to bloom as your debt reduces he may even come on board and sort his debt out too.

First step is for him to realise that he has had some advantages of you spending so much over the years and also for not noticing that you could not afford to spend as much as you have done, by putting it on credit cards.

Once he sees that you did not do this TO him, he may just change his tune.

If it were me I would be sitting him down and examining exactly where the money was spent and asking him to show me how I was so selfish, because car repairs and the like don't sound like the sort of thing I would want to spend on ME...

tightfisteddave

ruby - one of the things that's puzzling me a little bit is the "my" debt and "his" debt sort of thing. perhaps its a legacy of how you started out organising your finances from the early days. you paid 'x' and he paid 'y' and there was no problem and everything was fine.

however things have obviously moved on since then. in a partnership the incomes will not always be equal at various times of life. plus the outgoings can change due to circumstances.

you're obviously tackling "your" debts and presumably he's doing something to pay of "his". but for me the situation seems to be crying out for a pooling of resources and debts. as a couple it would make sense to bring all of the finances together, work out a joint budget (to include budgeted treats etc.) and then to work together to reduce and pay off debts.

it could be one of the things to bring you both back together to share a common vision of the future. I just feel a bit uncomfortable about the split debts as it seems to me that he's kind of saying "you're on your own with that".

have you had discussions on joint finances? if so what are his/your reasons for not bringing them together?

anyway keep your head up. i'm fairly new to this site but have been really impressed with the forum. there are plenty of people out here who can provide help and support

rubyinthesky

Thanks all. Well, I must admit he doesn't go out very often apart from playing golf every Saturday. He went to the match today. Been out since early. Just arrived home I assume. I went out to the kitchen and there he was lying on the kitchen floor. I've done what any loving wife would do and gone to bed and locked the bedroom door.

That after receiving a text of him telling me how much his boys would love going to the match so he's going to save up to take them, really put the top top hat on it.

Kate_fixing_it

Oh Ruby (((hugs))) he's being a complete fool. I think maybe reality has hit? He's slowly accepting this is a family problem. He's not helping either of you wish this behaviour but he's not alone in doing it - my DH does the same, as if it make a difference! Whilst it doesn't help at least this out of character behaviour is SOMETHING. As someone has said he's probably got this stupid alpha-male idea that he should be providing for the family and this has kicked that from under him. I'm not excusing this at all (when DH does this I go mad at him and ensure we all make lots of noise ) just making an attempt to understand. I'd say this is a bit of a LBM from him and now he's had his "throw the toys out of the pram" moment you can both move on.

Keep us posted on how things are. IMHO you did the right thing leaving him to it. We all need time to get used to change and you've all got big changes ahead. Hopefully he'll now pull his head out of his backside and you can work together to get through this.

Kate x